Have you ended a long friendship due to life changes or becoming too much/toxic: how did you handle it?

[TheDaringFawn]

Have you ever ended a friendship thar was long (10 years plus) as you got older due to life changes, or not seeing eye to eye, it bwcoming toxic etc and if so, how did you do it and how did it go?

Surely this is just a situation where you allow yourselves to gradually drift apart? I've definitely done that.

Yes I had to her behaviour was deeply inappropriate and she thrived on drama. I don’t miss her.

I just stopped being the first one to reach out and waited for them to contact me. Eight years on I’m still waiting.

Same here! 8 years as well. We were friends for 40 years or I thought we were friends.

Just stopped getting in touch, and politely declined offers to meet made through others, or group situations. Person was a childhood and early adult friend and I did this in my mid 20s. They were (possibly still are) narcissistic, self centred, entitled and money/status oriented. I do not miss them in the slightest! It takes months or even years for the penny to drop, so just keep grey rocking attempts to get together or requests for your time or attention. They do eventually realise!

Yes. I was in my early 20’s and in all honesty just ghosted them 🤷🏼‍♀️

We had just got back from holiday together and she was just not the person I thought she was. Complained constantly, stole money, hid food (that me or my family bought) just generally not nice and greedy.

Had that been now I would have confronted them instead of just ghosting but I’m ok with that decision now 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, I just gradually pulled away until it fizzled out. Dates didn’t suit to meet for coffee, child not well, conveniently most days that suited me were days she was working etc. trying to address anything to her face would have been an absolute waste of time so I just gradually faded away. Hasn’t stopped her trying to get in touch though - I got a message before Christmas saying this would be the last I would hear from her (I had started leaving it longer between replying to messages as well) yet have had 4 messages this year alone lol

A person I know said if you distance yourself from everyone you don’t agree with or who annoy you, you will end up with few friends.

I agree- and the happier for it! I believe I tolerate well; but I just cannot be bothered to waste my time on people that don’t deserve me.

Not a lifelong friend but a best friend from uni, we were so close, stayed in touch despite a distance once she moved home, regular visits. Even once we had our kids, we would both visit each other and send presents for birthdays/Christmas etc.

Then one visit, they had a new puppy. The puppy was jumping around near their toddler as puppies do, and I sat and watched her partner grab the dog by the collar, drag her off the sofa and smack her. My friend just looked at me and said ‘oh she’s quite naughty, she needs to learn’. I was horrified and even though my friend had done nothing wrong I knew our friendship was over.

I just gradually stopped messaging, birthdays came and went and I sent a short text rather than a gift, then eventually nothing. I still feel awful about it now but they are still together 10 years later and I couldn’t have continued to visit or be friends when she’s with someone who thinks it’s ok to abuse an innocent animal.

I still have her on my social media, but we haven’t spoken in years. It was the right decision even though it was a difficult thing to do!

I had to end a friendship of 25 years.

It just grew more and more toxic. It had started really well, mutually supportive, and positive. Over the years, I started to see she only called me when she needed something, only included me in some events but when she did, berated me if I coukdn't attend.

I limited interactions, declined invitations and stopped responding to her as much as possible. But she was not getting the message. I also felt I owed her not to just ghost here.

I met her in a coffee shop, gently as possible told her we had grown apart, that we had had great times together but elven she must see how we no longer had common interests and I no longer wanted to continue the friendship.

She blew up, cursed me out, called me a bitch and stormed outl.

Still glad I did it. Got a box of weird box of Christmas presents for my son left on my doorstep (it was March) and never spoke to her again.

@TheDaringFawn
What’s your situation, are you contemplating finishing a friendship?

Yes going through this now. Decided to invest in other friendships and wait for her to text me which she did eventually. Sadly I feel she is jealous of my lifestyle and if she cant get past that its a big issue...I am just letting things drift..

Funny timing that I see this post today. Bittersweet. I finally completely severed a 30 year old friendship today. My former friend moved to a different country and in recent years has changed beyond all recognition. Extremely religious, right leaning politics, anti women's rights, conspiracy theory beliefs, you name it. A 180 degree change from the person who once was maid of honour at my wedding 25 years ago. We were hanging on by a thread. Today she shared a homophobic post on social media condoning "conversion therapy". One of my sons is gay, not to mention several friends. I messaged her how shocked I was, that I wish her and her family all the best, but that I cannot remain connected with our value systems so very incompatible. The end.

Yes. A friend moved to my city for work for 6 months. She was unavailable to meet up the whole time but I saw her out and about with other friends on FB. Eventually she was going to drop in for coffee on her way out of the city, driving home.

I cancelled it at the last minute and defriended her on FB. No regrets although I would like the money she borrowed from me back.

Yes. My best friend of 15ish years was celebrating a big birthday and I arranged and paid for the two of us to go away for an extravagant weekend to a European city. As the date got nearer, issues started cropping up, she wanted to meet a friend that weekend, her husband started getting involved in the logistics etc. The day before we were due to leave, she rang and said she wasn’t coming and to take one of my children or my ex-bf.

I couldn’t get past that disappointment and the fact that we couldn’t reach a compromise at all. Sadly two other friends we had in common also decided not to contact me again (friend 1 had always been the organiser), so those friendships also disappeared. I have spoken to her since, once, but have realised that we live in different worlds now so I’m not interested in rekindling anything.

I had to physically write under a particularly trite/self satisfied WhatsApp's group chat, that I was done.
Then blocked her. She has lost several good friends over the years and always argues indignantly with the person involved.
My choice. Wasn’t interested in her reframing of the situation. She’s fine - always has plenty of new friends. The only people she he regaled out with tend to have lots of money. Funny that.

Did she reply to this? If so what did she say?

I can’t get over this one! Your best friend of 15 years cancelled an extravagant trip THE DAY BEFORE??? And you had paid for it all?? This is crazy. I can’t imagine a world where my best friend did this? Surely there must have been a bigger reason than the ones you stated? And did you have a full on show down with her? Also why did the other two friends stop talking to you over her letting you down?

She did and said she is merely "offering other perspectives" and "informing people". And if I disagree I should just scroll on by. And apparently she has some gay friends or friends with gay children, implying they don't mind and I am clearly having a hissy fit... I am done now, I have nothing in common with this person anymore.

I have had several friendships and acquaintances tail off naturally or mutually (no big fall out).

One friend I had before having my son was lovely, friendly and fun but could also be a bit full on and intense. When I first had my son I didn’t want to end the friendship but I knew the friendship would have to change as my son would take priority. She would call round unannounced or phone when I was exhausted and talk at me. I just didn’t have the time, headspace or energy anymore. She just didn’t get it and took offence and she ended up falling out with me.

I would still be fuming if that was me - how unbelievably selfish!

I've recently stopped talking to my best friend. She had a bad breakup in 2021, I took her in when she had no where else to go, she managed to get back on her feet but was the perpetual victim and after 4 years of her treating me badly ad blaming it on her anxiety I'd had enough. Didn't contact her for a few months, she then reached out to say hi and I said sorry I hadn't been in touch but I was tired of being treated poorly (involved her switching off my security cameras and leaving my windows open when I went on holiday, taking things from my house, accusing me of speaking about her with others, list goes on...). Instead of apologising she went off on one accusing me of not being understanding and I owe her an apology! I just blocked her instead of replying.

Yes. Two very long standing friends who just bore and irritate me now. I realised I really have nothing in common with them anymore. Another who talked about herself endlessly and was incredibly negative all the time. I need to make new friends now but quite honestly haven’t got the energy.

Yes , we were childhood friends. She had a manipulative side and used guys for money and to support her. She literally rinsed men. Going from one. To another getting expensive gifts and holidays. They'd be head over heals for her but she'd be passing time. For a long time I just accepted it but she was getting more and more toxic. She met the man she eventually married and was seeing multiple other men up until she got engaged. she used people . Until then she didn't do this to me but eventually I felt like she was using me to sort of give her credibility when a new man was in town.I didn't handle it well and wasn't very y nice to be honest. So if you do end it end it well.

Yes I have done this. For me the issue was vaccinations, after my DC were born I couldn’t get my head around her decision not to vaccinate her own children. I also struggled with the way she was raising her DC, extreme food restrictions and quite a harsh parenting style. I just felt our values were misaligned. She was upset and we did talk it out once, but fundamentally she believes her approach is right so I have to respect that and leave it there. I don’t feel at all bad about it, I think if your values are opposed there’s nothing doing friendship wise really, how can you have fun and support your friend whilst she half starves her children and puts them at risk (and others) of nasty preventable illnesses and diseases.

Yes. An old school friend. The difference in our opinions became too great, I just couldn’t let it go.