Have you ended a long friendship due to life changes or becoming too much/toxic: how did you handle it?

[TheDaringFawn]

Have you ever ended a friendship thar was long (10 years plus) as you got older due to life changes, or not seeing eye to eye, it bwcoming toxic etc and if so, how did you do it and how did it go?

Friend of over thirty years . I am Godmother to her two children
Realised that she had become extremely envious of me and therefore she had become very nasty and toxic
i cut her off
I do not have the energy for people who are not a positive influence in my life

I'm going to come from the other side. I got dumped ten years ago. We were friends for 19 years, met at work. Shared good times and bad.

My friend (and daughters godmother) had stayed with us regularly as she was a serial dater. We did boxing days, school holidays etc.
She was desperate to meet 'the one' and had two short lived partners that she asked to leave her house. I thought she was savvy. She was successful in her career and sat on the board of a major UK company.
I was always wary for her as she seemed to attract golddiggers. It came to a head when one told me if he married her she'd have to buy him a Porsche!
The Porsche fancier decided to move into her large home and he promptly gave up his job.
If I invited her over he'd come too including a post hospital stay visit where I asked her not to bring him as I wanted some dignity. He came!
My DD got invited for a visit, I did not. They married a year after she blocked me. She wouldn't return my calls. She still imprints my LinkedIn. All I had said was I was worried for her. He's never worked since and she's the third wife.
He got his Porsche.
It broke my heart and my daughters. She was apparently the daughter she never had. Ditto my son. I couldn't tell them why she didn't want to keep in touch. That was mean.
She lives in the UAE now so no chance of bumping into her.

I am currently coming to realise a 20 year friendship is at an end. She does have her good points and we’ve had our happy times… but I’ve come to realise over the years, she’s only really interested in me when she’s not got a man, and if she’s got other friends to socialise with. At present I’ve come to look at how we are two people with very different lives, nothing in common, no mutual friends etc. She says she values our friendship but her actions suggest otherwise, we don’t meet unless I do all the chasing and makes me feel like she’s doing me a favour being there.
we are meeting up in a couple of weeks to do a joint birthday meal. Anything goes wrong on the day like her being so late we nearly lose the table, lets me down with excuses she would have known about earlier both happened previously . That’s it. Will be the last time I organise anything. I’d be happy to let the friendship fade as gain nothing being in it.

I agree that fundamental differences in values don't work in the long run. We can be friends while disagreeing on music, films, fashion, hobbies and whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not. But racism, xenophobia, homophobia, extreme politics, conspiracy theories etc will end a friendship super fast and sometimes people change beyond recognition throughout life.

It saddens me but I think I am reaching that point with a very very old friend. She's always been a nice person and she still is, but the country she's living in now has a particular culture and that, combined with personal circumstances, is making her difficult to be around. As she is so far away we don't see her much but when we do, she'll loudly express strident political opinions at the table (people have turned around in restaurants), make people uncomfortable, and she'll call for a catch up or to be supportive if something is going wrong but then spend an hour talking about herself and saying a number of wrong things.

Still, distance lends enchantment. I still care about her a lot and will forgive a lot, and it's easier when someone is abroad.

With one friend Covid affected things .We texted a lot and talked a lot more. I realised things about her I hadn’t before. She only reads the Daily Mail, doesn’t read books at all, has no hobbies or real interests and is afraid of the countryside and doesn’t like being out of a city.
I realised she’s quite paranoid too. Her favourite subjects are holidays she will never go on and re watching DVDs from thirty years ago. Really we are completely different people. I met her when we worked together and had children the same age.

Very similar situation. Over 40 years. Jealous, bitter, spiteful woman full of bile. Not got my best interests at heart. Not a friend. Just someone I’ve known a long time. Attempting slow fade.

Yes. I ended a friendship when it felt almost completely one way as she had no real time for our friendship because she’s completely consumed with her children. She also lectured me on what to do for the best for my kid and made a couple of weird/negative comments about things to do with my life. Also disagree with her lax parenting style and it became obvious she’s quite entitled.

Pulled her up on the second of the weird/kind of critical comments and she didn’t respond well. Ghosted her and haven’t looked back. No regrets.

Yes and I feel better for it. We were best friends for ten years after meeting at work and had a mutually supportive, caring relationship. never had an argument or disagreement. Things changed when I was offered a promotion and she couldn't hack it. Jealousy started raising its ugly head and she completely switched on me; telling others about confidences I had shared, told stories to try and get me in trouble with the boss, started not returning messages or making up excuses as to why she couldn't meet up. Asked her Over and over again what was wrong and if she was annoyed about my promotion, but she would nt admit to anything and insisted she still adored me and was happy for my success! Bullshit. This dragged on for two years until I'd finally had enough of the duplicitous behaviour and the passive aggressive digs, so cut her free. Never ever thought a best friend would behave in this way and be so utterly riddled with jealously that they'd ruin a beautiful friendship. But there you go, nowt as queer as folk.

@PetFriend Jealousy pure and simple. It consumes them whilst they’re telling you how much they love you. They don’t. They want what you’ve got. I’m sick of all the passive/aggressive digs, put-downs and piss taking. The people who really love me don’t do any of that. Wish she’d leave me alone now to be honest

I agree. It's the opposite of love; they loathe and resent you and any happiness you have, all whilst gaslighting you and insisting there's nothing wrong. I hope you break free. Even if your friend saw the error of her ways miraculously, the damage has been done and the friendship can't recover. You may have to just block her number if she isn't getting the message. Brutal, but if the softly softly approach hasn't worked...

@PetFriend It’s been going on since secondary school and we are in our 60s now. Always wants what I’ve got/doing. It’s competitive behaviour at its worst. I can be over sensitive but some of her responses can’t be misinterpreted. Anything I’ve done that she is unable to do she pretends to herself I haven’t done them either. She must be so unhappy to be causing herself so much pain. She can crack on. I’ll do limited responses. Yes. No. That’s nice. Leaving longer gaps before replying

I blocked someone last year I’ve known since we were 3. Would never have called her a close friend. She grew up with significant behavioural difficulties. In the 1970’s/80’s, nothing was done to help her.
We went to the same secondary school and she was badly bullied. I got bullied myself, nowhere near as bad, but made lots of friends, too. I feel a bit ashamed now but I just didn’t want to be around her - she was volatile and violent.
I moved back the area we both grew up in a few years ago. She still lives with her parents who are both close to 90 now.
She knocked on my front door the day after moved in and told me I had to give her my mobile number or she’d bully it out of me.
I caved in and I regretted it. I got a constant stream of messages, gossip about neighbours which was clearly untrue. My husband calls her Baby Reindeer.
I got a Ring doorbell. She called one day last summer and I ignored it. Then she messaged me and told me she knew I was in on my own and I ‘better’ open the door.
I didn’t open it. Then I got a barrage of messages about friends I made at school and I messaged her and said I dread to think of the stories she must have told other people about me.
I blocked her. I felt terrible at first and then realised I’d had decades, on and off, of placating this person and feeling sorry for her. But I have a right to my own life and friends.
I do not miss those messages or her knocking at my door.

Not that long but a close friend of around 7 years at the time.

She is quite self obsessed and very interested in the idea of collecting lots of different friends. Constantly dropping me (even for longstanding plans, where I'd arranged childcare etc) and I'd see on social media she was out with other people.

She had another mate she'd collected who then had some health challenges - no longer fit the brief of the mates she wanted as this friend had through no fault of her own ended up broke, single and with a profoundly disabled child, and I saw her drop this friend like a hot cake. There was a dinner she'd arranged with both me and this other friend (who I barely knew) and she no showed and didn't take either of our calls. Some lame excuse after, though I know she'd just binned us off to go see other people. I didn't care and had a nice night but this other friend was so deeply hurt and confused and could see she'd been dropped because she no longer fit the beautiful-rich-successful mould this other mate was into collecting, at a time when she so needed a friend.

Long story short a few more of these things happened (being stood up, no interest in my life, I was hospitalized and she never even asked why) and I, who never ever drops anyone, decided enough was enough and I blocked her on WhatsApp. So then she got in touch on messenger. More polite refutations and blocked her on that. I think she's so interested in collecting people the idea that someone she'd collected would want to drop her when she was used to doing the dropping was outside of her sphere of possibility? So then she messages on SMS. I've been quiet lately and shall we go out.

I had to woman up and tell her directly so I said I think we haven't seen each other in so long I don't see what we'd have to say. If you're worried I'm lonely, I'm honestly not, I have millions of friends who actually want to have a friendship. Which you don't seem to. So I don't think meeting up would be much fun for either of us.

That, she understood, and at least I know I didn't ghost her without a reason.

Yes, i first met my friend in 1989, were great friends until she started being thoughtless when she met her boyfriend a few years later. Didn't see her for around 10 years when I bumped into her. We became friends again until 2023 when it was my big birthday & i didn't get so much as a card from her. I was very hurt as I made a big deal for her birthday the year before. I told her why I was backing off from the friendship & we haven't spoken since. I don't miss her at all

You sound OTT

Are you bonkers? The friends partner smacked a defenceless animal and the woman didn't object.
I'd have reported him. Bastard.

Well, I haven’t ended a friendship but I have been the subject of an unfriending. This does hurt a little, but I do understand it.

I have ADHD as does, I’m sure, my sibling and one of my parents behaved the same way.

I really liked the company of my friend, who I was at school with. We kept in touch over the years with a birthday card and a Christmas card and occasionally met up. I always admired her and enjoyed her opinions on things.

Last year she just didn’t respond, didn’t send me a birthday card but did open the e-card that I sent to her. I did tend to get her birthday wrong and I think I sent it too early, but I’m not sure. Her sister also opened the e-card that I sent to her.

But I didn’t hear from her at my birthday and I didn’t hear it Christmas.

I’m genuinely sad but I do understand. I can be intense and opinionated and a bit much sometimes. I’m really sorry. I would’ve liked to have just stayed in touch, but that’s obviously not going to happen.

Sorry I haven't kept up with the thread.

Re my ex best friend - it's always been obvious that we are very different people. I'm divorced and very independent, travel on my own all over the world etc, whereas she and her husband are very co-dependent, so she has to check everything with him and he with her and they decide everything together. So for this occasion, I spoke to her husband first to get the all-clear and he said yes it was a great idea and she'd love it.

As it happened, I decided to book a different city to the one I'd told him and apparently he was upset because he wanted to take her there. Another issue was the fact she had a friend living there who wanted to show her around and organise things for us. Being an independent soul, I wanted to do this and have surprises for her. She, on the other hand, wanted it all set up beforehand, so the friend got involved (who I'd never met).

So, as the date got nearer, things were getting a little frosty and I was trying to keep it together re the friend etc and looking forward to the trip and deciding the time alone with her would be a good opportunity to re-connect.

Then she rang to tell me she'd go to the airport with her husband because she wasn't sure I'd get there on time! (She'd have to drive past my town to get to the airport.) At this point, I started thinking she'd be best off going with her husband. She told me she didn't want to go now and I said she could go with her husband and I'd back out. We left it there and I didn't hear from her again for a year or two when she tried to re-connect, but I couldn't see past it.

The other two friends were sisters who always met up together, usually at BF's house for coffee. I was surprised and hurt that they never got in touch after that and tbh as time went on I realised that her friendship with them was more important to all of them than mine. The time that she did contact me, she invited me for coffee with the others, as if nothing had happened - years later! It was all over for me by then.