Youngish dad - less limiting now than for a long while?

[TonysBaloneys]

All being well should be a grandma by the end of Summer. My son will be twenty one a few months later and I think outside of considerations around relationship length actually there are fewer reasons not to do this at twenty now than for a long while. Working for another five or ten years doesn’t bring the relative freedoms it once did. Jobs are unpredictable and the merits of being a youthful parent may yet be a great thing. Certainly I will get to be a livelier grandparent. His experiment will be more akin to the one my grandparents had living near family and using schools family has attended. I can’t see the negatives I might once have.

I wouldn't be happy with this, but I also see your pov. I see no issue with renting myself. My kids will likely be renting for ages too.

That is exactly how I thought I would feel. He has a few old friends his age but has for a longtime had a bigger circle who are older. The group has four kids in it and are all older than his girlfriend. He has an unusually wide friendship group which maybe helps.

It is planned! I am building a relationship with the mother and I think we would both see both children if they split. He adores her daughter and is always taking her to dance and to museums and to the cinema. They go as a family but he takes her by himself sometimes too - he did a parent evening a few weeks ago. He might be unusual in his enjoyment of it all but he is happy in the role. I would actually be surprised if he needed much other support. He is quite driven and capable. I would keep an eye out for them all of course though. Maybe it seems more normal to him as he has seen a few sets of friends have babies who are now toddlers or abit older.

Curious. Is his dad in his life?

I mean he can’t get her un- pregnant so there isn’t much point dwelling on the negatives, but equally there’s no point outright denying them either.
He’s only been a working adult for 3 years, and he rents to i do find it hard to believe his financial situation is as positive as you’re making out.
Childcare is expensive but at this age I imagine they will be claiming UC.
Theres also a negative to such a young guy having a baby with a woman who has a much older child and has done it already.

In all our lives but also recently finished a second round of cancer treatment and is very frail at the minute. I can see why he has an urge to seize the day.

I mean there is no point to me lying but he has scoffed at friends buying trainers and coats and clothes or playing the big spa provider to girlfriends. He has lived well but strictly and saved most of what he earns. He had a bit of a cash bump to start and has maxed out his LISA, has a shares ISA a cash ISA and is a model of financial planning.

It feels a bit misogynistic the whole she is older and has a child already. I don’t think that has ruined her or him. Certainly I don’t feel like that seeing them all together.

I think they plan to do childcare themelseves and can work opposite shifts to some extent and he can do compressed hours. They have a few flexibilities with both employers.

That’s buggered up your malicious theory then sorry about that. You must be very disappointed.

@TonysBaloneyshe doesn’t work in a degree professional job, pays rent on a house with his 21y old wage and yet saves “most” of what he earns? Nonsense.

Was it nicer though, or did it just suit you? My gran has always spoken quite frankly about how much she struggled as a 25yo mother of three in rural Yorkshire.

I don’t really have any opinions either way but being a parent before the age of 25-ish definitely would not have suited me as I was studying, living in flat shares and not in a steady relationship. One of my close friends though had been with her husband since 15, working full time since 16, moved in together at 18 and married at 23, so it was a much more natural state of affairs for her. I couldn’t have had a child then even if I’d desperately wanted one.

He worked since 17 and picked up shifts in the holidays. Worked full time after A-levels and didn’t pay any rent until relatively recently - they didn’t live together until fairly recently after they decided to go all in. He was introduced proportionally slowly to her child. He now obviously saves less - still saving. I don’t know that any of that is so surprising.

In his peer friendship group the non uni children have a lot more money - that’s one to see how it plays out. In his older friendship group some of the degree educated specialists who have done well at different points are struggling now. That is something that seems much less predictable now.

Exactly, it’s a false claim. I could tell from your phrasing he saved while living at home. Which is not at all the same as the picture tot tried to paint. He does not financially contribute to his life and save most of his income.

Moving in together because of pregnancy is also a red flag for issues.

It’s great you are pleased OP and I understand about just getting on with it etc. However you say he rents - I assume they live together? Do they both work? Do they receive benefits? What’s their actual situation?

Moving into her social housing perhaps?

My parents were 18 and 20 when they had my sister and then 5 yrs later I came along. I know the 1960’s were different times, so in many ways their experience will be very different to your sons, but they lived in with my grandparents for 2yrs before they rented their own place and my sister was 14 when they bought their house they still live in. My mum worked part time around school, so not much was needed in baby sitting duties from family, although we did spend time with our grandparents and were very close to them. My parents are still together, married for 64yrs. I know there are lots of things against having children so young but as a child of very young parents, I don’t feel I missed out on anything. I had a wonderful childhood, my parents are amazing and hard working people, and I love them very much, I couldn’t have asked for better. They were 58 and 60 when they became grandparents, so not young, as my sister has no children and I was 34 when I had my first, so no generational early pregnancies.
They both say they wouldn’t have chosen to have children so early but other than that no regrets, they’d have done exactly the same but later. They are still very much in love and have a very comfortable life money wise, we were never wealthy growing up but we were far from poor and after working hard and doing some wise investing they’re wealthy now.
It’s not all doom and gloom for everyone involved. My sister is now 63 and I’m 58, with both parents pretty fit and healthy and still around, we think that’s great and we consider ourselves very lucky… although it’s not the path we chose for ourselves.
I just wanted to tell you of my positive experience of being a child of young parents.

Congratulations OP.

It's a strange one. Certainly within my lifetime becoming a father at 21 (as he almost will be) wasn't very common perhaps but not so unusual either. I had male cousins who were 17-21 or so when their first was born, some couples stayed together and some didn't. As the median age for first time parents has got older, so the outliers will inevitably stand out more. I was mid 20s when my first was born and I still get fed up with the 'ooh, you were so young' comments. I felt then, and still feel, better mid 20s than early 40s. I am watching my own DD trying to conceive now by various intrusive methods in their 40s and it's no fun for them at all. In my midwife days I used to feel very sorry for the 40+ year olds going it alone, whereas a lot of the 18 year olds had extensive family around them and they were fine.

But everyone is in the position they're in: son is to be a Dad, and already a step-father, you'll be a grandmother, it's a done deal so I don't get those here saying 'I'd be unhappy about this'. Maybe so, but what can you do?

Support them is what you can do. Let them know what that support might look like, so they don't have any unrealistic expectations, and enjoy your grandchild. And it's great to be a still-young grandma! Best wishes to you all.

My daughter had an unplanned pregnancy at 21, with someone she'd known for less than six months. Of course I was worried at the time, but her partner was absolutely lovely.
Twenty years on, they're happily married, both have successful careers, and have been amazing parents to four wonderful children.
There is no 'correct' route through life. Your son sounds extremely sensible, he'll be a great father. Enjoy your grandchild!

No idea what you mean about a false claim. It’s not social housing, he isn’t saving like he was but can’t claim benefits as well over savings threshold. Contributing now and still saving something. I mean this is a minor point of what I was exploring. Currently I feel everyone feels cost of living, housing costs etc it’s tough but am not sure it’s proportionally tougher for them compared to those who wait in they way it was for my generation.

This is lovely

This is lovely too - I will enjoy him/her:) thank you

He sounds like a lovely lad and older for his years who’s will mean he is well suited to an older partner who will have grown up quickly too having a wee one of her own. It’s breathe is realistic about children having been involved with her daughter and I feel that someone who gets together with a single mum has a great idea of the reality of parenting and they won’t get that shock that many other couples do of becoming parents and losing each other. Hope that makes sense.
Babies are fab and being a grandma is the best role ever- so congratulations to you all.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and gave birth when I was 21. He is now a fabulous 17 year old and the light of all of our lives!

Like you, my parents worked, and still work, full time but helped out with babysitting occasionally and just moral support, and that was really all I needed. My son is now really really close with my parents and sees them multiple times a week.

My relationship with his father didn’t last, but we coparent amicably and I’m still close to his parents too who are fabulous people.

I definitely experienced judgement from people, which was horrible. But more fool them… because my son is an incredible human, sweet, polite, funny, IQ of 142, heavily involved in his community as well as a number of national initiatives and set to attend an amazing university. I’m also about to be appointed as a director of the company I work for and just bought a house solo. So now I love meeting those people who judged us so harshly and looked down on me, while they struggle in their 30s and 40s with their tear away teenagers who won’t amount to half of what my son has already achieved 😅

It’s not ideal OP, but it’s so far from the end of the world and your son sounds like he’s got his head screwed on and a great support in you.

Congratulations to you all x

Don’t be silly

He is lovely and you are right there is some realism there:) thanks for the congrats :)

What a brilliant pair you are:) That was a beautiful read:)