Youngish dad - less limiting now than for a long while?

[TonysBaloneys]

All being well should be a grandma by the end of Summer. My son will be twenty one a few months later and I think outside of considerations around relationship length actually there are fewer reasons not to do this at twenty now than for a long while. Working for another five or ten years doesn’t bring the relative freedoms it once did. Jobs are unpredictable and the merits of being a youthful parent may yet be a great thing. Certainly I will get to be a livelier grandparent. His experiment will be more akin to the one my grandparents had living near family and using schools family has attended. I can’t see the negatives I might once have.

I guess it very much depends on their housing situation, That seems to be the key to stability unsuccessful outcomes for the children

OK. Congratulations?

Housing? Does he have his own house to raise his child in? Does he have stability in his relationship? Can he financially provide for his child? If yes to the above then I doubt age matters that much… but age 21 I’m not entirely convinced the answers to them
will be yes.

1 and 3 depend as much on other factors such as family support or where in the country you live. I'm not talking only about feckless unemployed young people being allowed to live with their parents. It's very much a rich person thing to be helped by your parents. Most young people, even those in their late twenties and thirties have help getting on the housing ladder from their parents. I would say by far it's the biggest difference in my peer group (now late thirties) in terms of current stability. Much more than the jobs my friends chose. I also say area matters because it's easier to have either stable rented housing or to afford to buy in some parts of the country than others. Having grandparents around to provide free childcare even just 1/2 days a week makes a big difference to finances as well.
(I'm not saying the OP has to do those things or should feel bad if she cant. Lots of people have to cope without. It's more that having/not having that help isn't age dependent). And, as OP says, times have changed. If you can't afford secure housing in your early twenties there is no guarantee of being able to afford it in your late twenties or thirties. So why not have the kids when you want.

2 obviously is completely on the couple themselves but I don't think it's that age dependent. It's completely up to the young couple.

But also, congratulations OP!!!

What support are you giving him? Housing, financial, childcare?

There’s not enough space on here to list all the negatives I’d have if faced with a similar situation.

They rent - I mean people rent their whole lives now. That is something that is changing I think. Suppose housing is the thing that has changed the most. He has the same kind of outgoing now or in five or ten years in terms of rent or mortgage. It’s hard to see that waiting would bring much more security. He has good savings and has sufficient for a decent deposit and plenty of savings for immediate needs. He earns ok and has capacity to make more. The relationship is good, he is great with her daughter and gets on brilliantly with her sister and parents. He is a very capable, responsible and hardworking adult. Suppose I am just wondering whether he will be unusual or whether there might be a shift to people not waiting for parenthood when the gains are hard to see. A flip side to the people waiting much longer or only having one. It wouldn’t have been what I would have chosen for myself but they are happy and I can see positives I am not sure I once would have. I was over a decade older when I had my first.

Am genuinely not sure what you mean - if faced with your child having a baby at that age or when you are still working or something else?

That’s what I mean I suppose - where you live and how you access housing is dictated by areas and often privilege. It’s easier to buy here than down south but we aren't a super cheap area and rented stock is at a premium. They aren’t in a hurry to buy as the current property is great and near to her daughter's school.

Erm well not much in those terms. I work full time so not much child care from me in the daytime. I am the sole wage earner and have kids at uni and home too so a decent salary gets eaten up quite effectively. I will get some nice things and be on hand but I am not in a position to be over involved. I would be wary about using savings for a deposit without having the same for the others and it’s not immediately realistic. I am probably house rich and cash poor so could help in the longer term but not while the others are here as a base.

Yeah, people do rent their whole lives. Renting in itself isn't a problem, I rented through most of my son's childhood and we had a stable home and he grew up very happy. It's more how secure that rental contract is (I was in another country with much better laws). The UK recently brought in new legislation against no fault evictions which is a really good thing IMO. (I think some people assume that parents putting of having children is just materialism but don't realise how deeply stressful being asked to leave your home and local area with a few months notice when you have young children is. It's not a huge deal when the child is a baby but it's horrible if it happens when they are primary school age and there's then stress about moving away from friends, moving schools etc).
Area still matters though because there are places where the renting market is more normal and places like London where it's so expensive to rent and rents keep increasing. So there is a bigger risk of either being priced out of their home or being subject to very poor housing quality if they are based there than if they live in the North East.
And I agree, in the past the ability to be financially stable was much more likely to increase as couples moved into their thirties so it made more sense to wait. I also don't think that is always the case now. There are obviously all sorts of issues with this in the broader social sense. But it's nice your son and his partner are having a baby they really want and that the grandparents want. Being born into a loving family is the most important advantage a child can have.

Housing is competitive here but not for buying in the same way so they could do that at the point where renting became an issue. The current tenancy seems very stable though. And you are right @persephonia there will be lots of love and from both sides or the family with a fair number of aunts and uncles. It’s the opposite model to my experience but I can see the benefits! I think there will be benefits for me too!

How old is your son’s partner and how old is her daughter? Hong long have they been in a relationship?

He sounds pretty sensible and hard working. And after reading about all the 25 years old living on benefits and gaming...he sounds even more amazing.

I mean in comparison he is awesome! Awesome anyway but more awesome!

She is 26 and her daughter is five - dad hasn’t ever been involved at all and isn’t in the country. They have been together about 18months - friendly for a while before. They got friendly before she knew his age but his partners have all been a bit older. I think they have moved quickly but have no issues with the relationship. I have one friend who conceived to a ‘one night’ stand that she married and had four children with and others who did a decade before kids came and everything went wrong so am trying not to worry about their length of service.

I had my first child at age 21, 7 years ago. There have been ups and downs. I’ve never had much money, despite now having a good job as I’ve always been catching up with things that I couldn’t get in place before he was born (I.e. housing, furniture, general upkeep), but I’ve never had a full blown disaster, or got into any proper debt as I’ve always lived within my means- even if that sometimes results in a very low weekly budget! FYI I moved out at 18 and never moved back in with parents. I privately rented.

My child is happy, well-mannered and doing well educationally. He’s never missed out, except on bigger things like holidays abroad (and holidays in general tbh). I am fairly content. I would be feeling better if it weren’t for the fact that every time I try to better myself and my earnings, the cost of living goes up and somehow, even though I am in a better position on paper, I can still only afford the same lifestyle (I expect the current situation with Iran won’t help…again).

There are pros and cons, ups and downs to every life decision. Ultimately, they will be fine. Op, you sound a little like you’re trying to convince yourself this is a good thing as it’s unusual for people to have kids so young these days?

You sound like a fab duo but the cost of living context is so tough for parents. Hopefully you more obviously benefit from your efforts later:)

I think rather than need to convince myself I am surprised at how cheerful I feel about it when I would have thought it a silly idea a while ago. I think some is confidence in him - like you he will make things work but also a growing feeling that the economic context around him has changed in ways that make some choices I might have expected less obviously advantageous.

It seems very young to me, in too short a relationship, in a relationship with someone who's already a parent, and only 15 years older than his stepdaughter. I think he could also feel isolated from friends as I doubt they're having babies at that age too.

It just seems very young to have the responsibility and sacrifices needed to bring up a child well. It also seems that he's missed out on being a young man who only needs to think of himself and having fun with a partner in a similar situation. Instead he's gone from being a teenager straight into the life of someone with family responsibilities.

I'm glad my son and wife, despite being together since the age of 18, waited till they were early thirties.

But if your son wants to do this and is happy then that's what is important. Being a grandma is a really wonderful relationship, I absolutely love it.

It's great that you're looking at the positives, but your son is becoming a parent and step-parent at a young age, likely to be long before his friends, so it could be a difficult time for them as a couple.

I think you need to be willing to provide some support to them, and you should think about your relationship with his girlfriend and her daughter - do you see yourself as step-granny? Would you see them if your son broke up with her?

Do you think he's committed to being a father and partner or just going along with an accidental pregnancy for now?

I look at young people now and agree. The world was nicer when most people had kids at 20-25. I see quite a few young parents around and their parents and 50/60 and have lots of energy for their grand children.

I find it quite hard to understand why people are so locked in to how things "should be". It may be because I came of age in the 1970s, an economically very precarious time in the UK which was also a period of rapid social and political change. This is another such time. Established pathways may no longer produce expected results. Doors are closing; windows are opening; uncertain conditions reward lateral thinkers.

As ever, the best approach is to do what works for you now, and keep your eyes open 🙂 Your DS sounds happy with his new family and you have an exciting year ahead! Don't worry.

When was being a parent ever difficult for the father?
Usually earn more, go to work come home and do “bath time”?

Congratulations on your grandchild, OP.

I was 21 when I had my first baby in 2024, dh was 22. We're having our second in a few months and don't regret our decision to be young parents one bit. I hope everything works out for your son and his gf!

21 and having a kid with someone who already has a kid. Not sure I’d be happy at all.