Planning your own funeral (no thank you, AI)

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I am on an organisational jag at the moment, redoing my will, doing LPAs etc. (I'm in my 40s and in good health so hopefully none of this stuff will be needed for a while.)

I am thinking about whether to jot down some ideas for my funeral. I wondered whether other people had done this, or perhaps organised a funeral of someone who had done it? Did you find it helpful? I keep thinking of poor Kirstie Allsopp whose mother had very strong ideas about her funeral (basically, no money spent and no undertakers) and was pretty traumatised by the whole thing.

If you've made any plans yourself, what have you chosen? I love My Song is Love Unknown but fear it might be one of those hymns that only the vicar sings 😂 I've also always loved Robert Louis Stevenson's Requiem but I think that one only works if you have a long, full life.

I am sorry to hear about your cancer. The plans you have made sound extremely thoughtful and caring. Sending you my best wishes.

The point about keeping a list
of whom to contact is a very good one especially these days when so few people have a physical address book.

Also insurances, pensions. I've always been the paperwork person so my husband wouldn't even know who we have insurance with.
A password manager is also helpful - all log in details in one place and they only need the master password, obviously you have to be super sure who has access to this
Final point, a joint account with someone you trust with money in for the funeral is helpful to ensure funds available to pay

Yes, long before doing my funeral plan I started to get worried about bank accounts etc, as DH and I do not have any joint accounts, and if he died I wouldn't have known where he banked (he likes to switch around), where his pension was, where the gas+electricity account was, and vice versa. Everything online, no paper bank statements...So, we have lists of financial providers and account numbers.

However, for anyone talking about passwords, I think it's useful to have these to get into the computer or phone, or maybe email, but not for financial accounts as you should not access these after the person dies. Also, be aware that any PoA expires on death.

Some social media, like Google and Facebook, have options that you can set for what to do if, say, your account is not accessed for three months, and I have done this too.

If I die in a hospital I've instructed my family to thank them for their efforts, bid them good day, and let them deal with the body. No funeral, no speeches, no bother, no expense 👍🏻

I have had 2 close family deaths in the last month, and the majority of funeral
arranging has been done by me. The first relative didn’t ever talk about death, didn’t leave any clues as to what their wishes would have been funeral wise, so it’s been guess work and wondering whether I’ve arrange the right thing. My second relative, we knew what she wanted and it’s been so nice knowing that we’re giving her the send off that best matches her wishes.

OP, I’d definitely jot down some notes if you’d like specific things.

One of the reasons a relative of mine went to Dubai to work was to pay off a student loan by working tax free for a few years. I dont blame her. Taxes are far too high in this country and not value for money.

At my funeral the hymns and readings will be of no interest to me. I’d rather allow those who have to listen to them choose.
Funerals are for the living.

My uncle did this recently. He knew he was dying but his mind was sound to the end. Over the last 6 months of his life he planned his funeral, the location, the music, the wake, the photos, wrote his eulogy and identified who was to read it and had a few chats with them. There were 2 rules - no hymns, no black.It was wonderful.

My mil had a terminal diagnosis and died 3 months later, and was able to plan every moment of her funeral down to the venue, reception, food selection, dress code. I'm so glad we had the opportunity to get her input.

Conversely my mum died not having allowed any discussion of her wishes so we did it blind (and my dsib completely abdicated all decisions to me which was hard).

I have spoken of my wishes to my DC, up to them if they carry them out. I also need to update my will (at 50, it's now 10 years since I last updated it).

Having dealt with my mum's affairs without a will I think everyone should have one if they have any intentions other than what intestacy rules direct.

It's MORE important to register LPA as if you become incapacitated it gives your attorneys access to your finances without huge rigmarole.

I’ve told my AC that my preference is a direct cremation and they can scatter ashes anywhere they like, if they even want to bother. I don’t see people in life and I don’t want people expecting food and drink while they say, “She was lovely, your mum, I hadn’t seen her for quite a while…”.

Definitely write down stuff for your funeral! I’ve just had to organise one for my Dad, and the number of debates around what songs he did/didn’t like was ridiculous. Combine that with arguments about when he moved to various places so we could be accurate in the eulogy and it was quite the nightmare!

My grandfather went all out and planted the whole thing including writing his own eulogy. So much easier!

You really never know when you may need a medical or financial LPA you could be any age and by the time you realise you need one it’s often too late.

I investigate fatal road traffic collisions as my job. So I have everything planned down to a Spotify playlist for music if I was to die tomorrow! I have seen too many families have to deal with the stress of the admin side of things as well as their grief.

In my will I have specified direct cremation & no service. If my family wants to do something it is up to them.

My parents won’t discuss it, I find this unhelpful because I know they have a wide social circle and probably expect what they think of as a ‘proper funeral’ but I don’t know what that is.

My in-laws will happily go on at length about the DNR paperwork or who will get what trinkets but try to discuss LPA or funeral wishes and they clam up. Again not helpful, especially as their children have different opinions.

I think it is helpful to make your general wishes known.

Banks will pay for a funeral directly from the deceaseds account, I just took the invoices into the bank.

Assuming you are in the UK it doesn’t work like that. Family still have to arrange dealing with the body and even if you have a no frills direct cremation it is still £2K ish

And if they don't?

Yes, OP, it would be very helpful for those left after your death. My mother did exactly that: she left us details of music and readings, and we were able to put her wishes into action. It made it all easier, and we added our own eulogies and chose the flowers and crematorium etc.

If nobody will claim your body, the local authority will organise a direct cremation, which they have the legal right to recoup the cost of from the deceased’s estate.

Is there some reason in particular you think your children are going to want nothing to do with you after you’re dead or be interested in celebrating your life?

I've always thought funerals were for the benefit of the living. Because when I'm dead why would I give a duck what happens afterwards.

My wishes are known to my family and are in my will. Whatever my adult child feels they need at the time,that is what will happen. I will be way passed caring once I'm dead.

LPAs can be more important than your will. Please do them so they are in place.

I would do this. When my dad died, none of us had any idea regards his wishes. We didn’t know what songs he would want or what flowers, any readings. We knew nothing. It would have been so much better if we’d have known or at least had a vague idea. I haven’t done this yet but I do plan too.

I haven't planned it as such, but I do have a list of music and a poem I would like to be included if possible. I am planning to write a brief history of my life for whoever is left behind. Whether they choose to use any of it is entirely up to them - I definitely believe that a funeral is for the living but if my family choose to have one, I hope they will use some of my ideas. Personally, I wouldn't choose a direct cremation, as ime, I've found a funeral to be a helpful part of the grieving process.

I’m just about to hit 40 and will be putting something in soon about my wishes for funeral (just in case!). Mostly saying I don’t really care, whatever is going to be helpful for those left behind. Not fussed what happens to my remains, not fussed about ceremonies or running order or flowers or anything like that. Would like to make it known that whatever my spouse/kids/siblings fancy they can do what they want. I’ve a couple of songs I’d like played. And defo don’t want a religious ceremony. Would prefer a celebration of life over mournful of death. Apart from that they can decide themselves. Shoot me in the night sky with a firework or scatter me where they want, or save some of me for jewellery or have me buried somewhere they feel is special. Spouse and kids have first dibs on choices.