Planning your own funeral (no thank you, AI)

[MangoesIntoAPube]

I am on an organisational jag at the moment, redoing my will, doing LPAs etc. (I'm in my 40s and in good health so hopefully none of this stuff will be needed for a while.)

I am thinking about whether to jot down some ideas for my funeral. I wondered whether other people had done this, or perhaps organised a funeral of someone who had done it? Did you find it helpful? I keep thinking of poor Kirstie Allsopp whose mother had very strong ideas about her funeral (basically, no money spent and no undertakers) and was pretty traumatised by the whole thing.

If you've made any plans yourself, what have you chosen? I love My Song is Love Unknown but fear it might be one of those hymns that only the vicar sings 😂 I've also always loved Robert Louis Stevenson's Requiem but I think that one only works if you have a long, full life.

I can understand making sure your will is up to date, but LPAs and funeral arrangements? Why are those on your mind right now? Are you married, have kids etc?

Ive only got as far as saying I want a direct cremation. It's up to those who are left to decide if they want some kind of service.

I have thought about what I'd like but then I remember I won't be there and get annoyed. What's the point of planning what I'd like if I'm not going to be there to enjoy it! <sulks>

Yes, if I get my way I’m having a service at my local museum with my casket out in the natural history gallery (they do offer this service, I didn’t just dream it up!) and then being buried in my own back garden, devaluing my house into perpetuity.

The expression of wishes stuff for funeral, burial, what happens to all my stuff that isn’t of value etc was an interesting process, though ultimately it relies on DH and my friends/executors outliving me, as I’m sure if they don’t, the nieces and nephews who get lumbered with my aftermath will just roll me up in an old carpet and take me to the tip or whatever (actually, I wouldn’t be disappointed with that.)

Yes married with two kids. I think everyone should have LPAs though- definitely something to do before you need it as then it's too late.

Sorry that was to @Owly11

Are you married, have kids etc?

You do realise that single people who dont have kids still have families and friends (and often assets)?

Of course I realise that, the question was really about whether op had talked to people in her life about it and what they thought/felt since she was worrying about other people. I was trying to get a full picture (context) as otherwise it's hard to answer the question that was asked. Context is always relevant to any question in my view.

Have you spoken with your dh and kids about it and whether they would find it helpful. It will likely be one of them that organises your funeral.

It's up to those who are left to decide if they want some kind of service.

This is what I'm wondering about- is the planning helpful for others? When MIL died we knew she wanted a church funeral and to be buried with FIL, but none of us had a clue about what readings or hymns- would definitely have been helpful if she'd jotted down some suggestions.

My dad had left multiple notebooks in his flat containing songs he wanted at the funeral which was helpful. And a few phrases he wanted saying.

LPOA in important- it’s not just about someone sorting you out if you have dementia, but if you were suddenly incapacitated eg. in ICU following a road accident, nobody can get into your bank accounts without it. Obviously for some that’s fine, but others may need their other half (or someone else), to access them just to keep household running. And of course to have input for unexpected medical events…

I’ve told my DH so far if I die I want to be cremated. Some ashes for him and the kids and the other half scattered where my mother will be scattered and my grandmother was. Funeral private family only (I know a lot of people who would just want to come for the sake of it) and a big party celebrating my life. I don’t have assets etc but all my belongings to be shared between him and the kids.

I’m trying to encourage my mid 80s dad to tell me what he wants. I know cremation but nothing else! I’m the absence of any instructions I think I’d suggest scattering his ashes at a local beauty spot. It’s slightly complicated in that mum’s ashes are interred in her parents grave in a different country. If he wants the same that’s fine (but he didn’t have a lot of time for his MIL).

I’ve told my family I want my ashes scattered in the alps….preferably from the top of a mountain we all know well. Over to them.

Good on you OP for being so organised, but personally I think that you’re probably going beyond where most people would be…. Hymns etc.

I'm 53 with no kids (DH, adult stepchildren, young grandchildren) - but we've done wills and POAs because the history of Alzheimer's in my family is very strong. When my DM's brother and sister developed Alzheimer's at quite young ages, she very wisely went and sorted out her own POAs. When she was diagnosed and started to slowly slip away, those things were a bloody godsend when she lost capacity.

She also had a funeral plan and wrote on the document pack exactly what she wanted! It took all the stress away from it and I'll definitely set up my own. Sadly I made one error in her list of wishes - she had carefully put her final outfit into a suit carrier and labelled it her wardrobe, and in those slightly vacant hours just after her death, in my hurry to get back to her before the undertakers I remembered her shoes but completely forgot her underwear and tights. She's up there commando. Sorry mum.

Both my parents talked us through what they wanted when their time came, just in case the remaining parent wasn't able (for whatever reason), to organise it themselves. It was all written down in their "death folder" and it really helped. Due to the timing of their deaths (lockdowns 1&2), we weren't able to do a lot of what they had asked for but it still helped. I can imagine how difficult it must be to those left behind to have to spend days agonising over what their loved one would have wanted and being stressed that whatever is done would not be "good enough".
Since suffering a serious heart attack 2 years ago my funeral plan is bought (I'm having a direct cremation), and DD, along with my DP know exactly what is to be done with my ashes. I've caused them enough stress and worry in life, I don't plan to continue to do so in death.

I’ve just done my will and bought a direct cremation plan. Am in the middle of a nasty divorce and I don’t want any him getting his hands on anything. I’ve redrawn it so goes to the kids. If I was to get hit by a bus before they turn 18 I have appointed two trustees. Funeral I couldn’t really give a shit tbh so have paid for the direct cremation so the kids won’t need to worry about funding anything. POA I will look into, that wasn’t on my list!

I had a conversation recently with someone who mentioned something that I will file for when it's needed. She recommended taking a few flowers when going to scatter ashes "as otherwise, you just scatter and then that's it."

I do have some thoughts, the hymns and music have been the great memory of some of the nicest send-offs I have had to go to, recently, but usually within memorial services or events rather than as part of a cremation.

We organised a funeral recently.

Despite being married for 6 decades the couple had never discussed funeral wishes so we had to start from scratch, all of which was distressing for the surviving spouse.

What would have been very helpful was a note of favourite hymns and readings. (Or alternatively a clearly expressed wish that they didn’t care).

A list of key life events to help prepare the eulogy would have also been really useful.

However I also think there’s a balance to be struck. A friend’s mother left a very specific list of funeral instructions which due to circumstances couldn't be met. The family were distraught at the idea that the funeral wouldn’t have met her wishes and those feelings of guilt remain with them years later.

I have not planned my funeral. I know what I want, but my sons, who will almost certainly be arranging it, have made it clear they disagree and will ignore my wishes. I won’t be in a position to stop them doing what they want, so I’m not wasting my energy sorting anything different out.

This is what I'm wondering about- is the planning helpful for others?

I think so, to this. The foundations of passing on the news would also be helpful (address book? Announcements somewhere?) Both my Mum and a friend who were organising funerals for different close friends got a lot of unpleasant flak over who was contacted, when, and it was a huge and sad task in each case.

I have cancer so have spent some time sorting my will and funeral arrangements, I found it weirdly calming knowing that all is sorted and there is nothing for loved ones to worry about.

I do believe that funerals are not for the person that died but their family.

I've talked arrangements through with husband and my mum. They know what's important, I don't want my ashes being split. I want it in the church we got married in - and the cheapest coffin available (it's just going to be burnt!)

In terms of readings, songs etc I feel is an expression of their feelings about me not mine.
There's a big difference between talking through what matters to you, if anything, and giving those around you the freedom to express their feelings, it also from a practical sense gives them something tangible and practical to do when you've gone

Yes yes yes. We had two members of our family die fairly quickly after each other last year. One had decided the entire funeral and one did not. The one that had not made any plans was really really hard. Also everything was on the computer and phone and we didn’t have the passwords for anything.

I went home. Planned my entire funeral and made sure that I had a folder with everything in it people would need. It made the whole process so much harder trying to figure everything out. Mine is done. Popped in a folder and forgotten about.

My aunt planned her own funeral right down to flowers, songs, readings and a video she’d made for everyone at the end about her life and her family. It was beautiful.

I should really start planning mine in the next few years. I will find it hard though, as when I am older I will have no family and presumably nobody really to attend it. I think a direct cremation is probably best for me.

Yes, I have planned mine. My family think this is kind of funny, as I'm 60 and not unwell at all.

I recently had to organise my mother's funeral, as despite declining health for several years she had expressed no wishes except to be cremated. She went to church, so her priest was a big help, but I had to choose so many things in a short time and it was a lot of work. I spent most of a day just listening to different recordings of various musical pieces to try to pick something suitable. It didn't help that I haven't been to many funerals. @WalterMittysPuppet I picked out nice clothes for my mum but forgot her underwear too!

My list includes

• a celebrant (someone I know)
• music
• a poem
• some things I don't care about (e.g. coffin)
• what to do with my ashes
• @Ormally absolutely - who to contact, with phone numbers or addresses or emails - this is primary I think, and was a big pain in the neck for my mother's funeral. I had to go through her address book and other lists trying to figure out who people were, how she knew them, whether they were dead, whether they were a plumber or hairdresser who didn't actually need to be informed... My list contains not just the contacts but how I know them
• in my mum's order of service, we decided to have a couple of photo collages of my mum and her family and friends in different eras. This went down very well and was a good talking point at the wake, so I've suggested it for mine

I don't have a paid-for plan, and I've told the family that my wishes are not set in stone, so if they disagree with some parts or can't fulfill them, that's fine.

DH and I are also doing the other end-of-life prep, like lists of pensions and bank accounts, wills, PoA, etc., and leaving it accessible for whoever is left behind. @Dontcallmescarface I call it the "Death File", which DH finds slightly ghoulish. 😆