Gender disappointment

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I don’t want this to be a pile on, I genuinely want to understand people who have had gender disappointment.

I don’t get it at all, I have never dreamt of a certain gender and maybe because I’m AuDHD I just knew it was a 50/50 each time. It just is what it is.

If you had gender disappointment was it because you dreamt of a certain gender from being a child? Did you have a preference due to childhood trauma? Or because you had such a great relationship with your parent you wanted to replicate it? I guess I want to understand the strong preference for a certain gender and where that comes from? Even if you know logically it’s a 50/50.

A baby has a sex determined at conception not a gender.
I wonder whether as little girls you assume that you will also have girls? Maybe if you have children very young this might linger?

I was 37 and I didn't have any expectations for my first and chose not to find out.
For my second I suspected I might be slightly disappointed if I didn't have a second boy. So I found out the sex so that if it was a girl I could get used to the idea before she arrived. It was a boy so I wasn't really tested.

I didn’t have any preference for my first, we didn’t have out the sex when I was pregnant and wee had a girl. With my second I wanted another girl, they were going to be close in age and I just wanted two the same, if my first was a boy I probably would have wanted another boy. I have a very difficult and complicated relationship with my brother (my only sibling) so I’m sure that played into my desire to avoid a girl/boy siblings. Anyway we found out when I was pregnant, like a PP to get used to the idea before they arrived. Of course it was a boy! It took me a minute to get used to the idea although I certainly wasn’t devastated or anything like that. Anyway he’s about to turn 3 now and he is the absolute light of my life, I find it hard to believe I wanted anything different to him! He’s completed our family in every way.

I had GD when my son was born. I had irrationally believed I'd be having a girl. The thing about girls is I am one, so have a pretty full knowledge of the script.

I had pnd and found it hard to bond. I didn't fall in love with my little boy until he was about six months old, and I've been obsessed with him for the last fifteen years.

Obviously this is MN, so nobody is going to admit there might be any difference whatsoever between boys and girls. I wouldn't change DS for the world but I do get twinges of envy around stuff like Christmas excitement, going to events etc.

Parenting is a lesson in humility - they aren't there to make you happy. It's a long game and you take the joy whenever it arises!

Similar to @MabelMarple: I had a boy and then really wanted a girl, so I decided to find out at the scan to avoid any potential disappointment at the birth.
I was having another boy.
I was a little disappointed for half an hour maybe, and then became excited at simply having a beautiful, perfect little baby.

I just didn’t find out either time until the baby was here - I think finding out is part of the problem as you can overthink things for months and months 🫠

the baby comes out and you just have what you have and there can’t really be as big of a disappointment

I’ve never seen a gender disappointment post on MN about gilrs
its always boys
I think the reasons are complex but some of it is stereotypical a a girl to go shopping with etc

For convenience and bedrooms maybe but I know a few longed for boys / girls who absolutely do not conform to the longed for stereotype

like Harper beckham is the one good at football and hates fashion

I wanted a girl, I have a girl. I have no doubt that I'd have adored a boy just as much if I'd had one. Obviously, the most important thing is a healthy baby, but it's not unreasonable to have a preference. I wanted a girl for lots of reasons - I didn't actively not want a boy.

Your being obtuse.

you know that people refer to the gender of their baby because if we were inviting our friend to a “sex reveal” party it would feel uncomfortable

I always use the term gender.

if they are a boy they are male and girl female stop being difficult

Because this is a female dominated forum. Stats show most men prefer boys, and indeed are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

Why doesn’t your son like Christmas and going to events? I don’t think I’ve met a child that doesn’t like Christmas!

We had hoped for a girl. Expected really. Only girls born in our family until he came along. Found out at 6 months pregnant he was a boy. Yes, we were disappointed at the time. BUT the good thing about finding out early was that by the time he was born, we'd got used to the idea of a boy and adjusted. And now he is this perfect (not but we think so) child who I wouldn't change an ounce of. I look at him and my heart sings.

And if he decides later to change his gender, so be it. We love him totally regardless.

I agree with this 100%

I definitely had a preference for a girl in general so I didn't find out with the first two and when they were born, their sex was incredibly unimportant. I obviously knew that was between their legs but all I saw was my baby.

With the third we found out but only because she was conceived during covid restrictions and was a surprise; OH did not feel part of the pregnancy because of this and not being able to attend scans. The sonographer was very kind and wrote it down in a sealed card so it was something we could find out together and we didn't tell anyone. OH was emotional finding out we had a girl because he saw it as something different. I just assumed the sonographer was wrong 😆

Looking at it now, I love my kids but I do think any differences currently are personality based rather than sex... middle son is way more physically expressive, big son has big emotions and she has 'leadership qualities'... whether it's as a homicidal dictator or rational peace keeper remains to be seen.

I don't like the term gender. I know it's nit-picky but gender is a social construct to me. Their sex doesn't determine their characteristics... or at least it shouldn't.

I had disappointment when I found out my second was going to be a boy.

The female experience is what I know. I grew up with 2 sisters and my mom- my dad was a workaholic and pretty hands off parent. The families we spent time with socially also had only daughters. My friends up until I was teenager were always girls, and they also had only sisters. I made my first male friend in high-school, and he was my first lesson in boys putting down girls in order to bond with their male friends, who's friendships they value more. And I think most of my interactions with boys/men after that age taught me to continue to be cautious.

It's not about pink and shopping as some seem to think, what a reductive view of the female experience. But boys and men seem to me to move through the world differently, and it's not my wheelhouse.

As it happens, DS is a lot like me in personality, and I think he's great. But he's still very much a child, and I'm nervous about the teenage years when they come in a way that I'm not nervous about DD.

You know for sure that when you open one of those it will be disappointment due to finding out the OP is having a boy.

As for the reasons given, they're always related to assumptions and stereotypes.

I suspect people who don’t wish to have male children lack good relationships with their own father (or other good, positive male role models).

If we see a baby with a penis they are a boy, so whilst sex is determined at conception gender is seen at birth because as a society if we see a penis we know they are a boy

I agree with this @TenderChicken.

It's not about pink and shopping as some seem to think, what a reductive view of the female experience. But boys and men seem to me to move through the world differently, and it's not my wheelhouse.
As it happens, DS is a lot like me in personality, and I think he's great. But he's still very much a child, and I'm nervous about the teenage years when they come in a way that I'm not nervous about DD.

Being a teacher, I know this well. I hope all the constant drip-drip-drip of socialising, talking, discussing, training, guiding helps our boy grow into a good man. But given the examples I see in the world around me, I do worry. I guess it all rests on nature v nurture. Given the bio differences in our boy and all the girls in the family, I do worry that some of that toxic male stuff is hard wired in. I hope it isn't. I hope it's patriarchal socialisation, but there is the fear nonetheless.

My kids were all born before you could find out the sex (only if the scan was exceptionally clear and the baby lying the right way), my youngest is about to turn 30. So it was always a complete surprise and absolutely no pre warning and I think it was better back then, because by the time you knew whether it was a boy or a girl you'd gone through labour (or had a section) and were just so overwhelming relieved that the baby was here and all right.

Absolutely. You’re handed an idea at that point, not an incredible new human that you created.

We didn’t care what we had and didn’t find out before they were born.

No I'm probably just being old.
I have never used the term gender instead of sex and never would.

Internalised misogyny, but I always thought I wanted a boy. I was never into pink and Barbies and I thought that's what girls would be like.

I have two girls now and obviously they're individuals and I think they're amazing. There is a lot of pink and a few princess dresses in our house, but they also love chasing a ball around, running everywhere, roughing each other up and pretending to be astronauts.

I have no doubt if I'd had boys I would have been an insufferable "boy mom" banging on about how girls do nothing but colouring.

You have worded this so well.

We’re having a boy second and I’m apprehensive for the same sort of reasons you outline. Doesn’t help that everyone’s queuing up with similarly reductive cliches about boys - chaos, noise, and superheroes. The opposite of what we have, and enjoy, now.

I really wanted a girl. And I’m the last person who wants to shopping / spa or do stereotypical female activities so it wasn’t that. I really can’t explain why I did but it was a very strong want and although I’d never have admitted it in person as it’s so strictly not allowed by the perfect mummy brigade, I was pretty devastated when I found out my baby was a boy. I’m glad I knew early on and had time to ‘get used to it’ and of course I adore my gorgeous wonderful son (now adult) but I would still have loved a girl. Wasn’t to be so 🤷‍♀️

These are always about being disappointed with boys, but I suppose it makes sense as this is a predominantly female website. I imagine a dadsnet would be coming to terms with baby girls.

There is something about the whole sisterhood thing, I do recognise. Having navigated the world as a woman it is a different perspective we are familiar with. Also we are socialised to bond with other women more - sisters, girlfriends, mothers.

Fwiw I had boys and, while I had no preference and I'm sure would have been very happy with girls, I admit to feeling slight relief sometimes, I'd be worried to raise girls in today's world. But then conversely, my best friend was very relieved to have girls (and once told me I was "cursed with boys"!), but then she had a very difficult brother that caused her family lots of issues and a challenging relationship with her dad. I've always had male friends, get in well with my dad and don't really see much of a difference between girl and boy children.

Our boy IS noisy and boisterous @BertSymptom . But superheroes leave him cold and he's more likely to wear glitter heels than a football kit (football also isn't on his radar). He loves make-up, dress up and has loads of girls as friends despite being very boyish (I LOVE the girl influences on him).

I also think finding out early was good @Zipidydodah. By the time he was born, we were totally on board with having a boy. Helped that he was gorgeous (aren't they all, to their mums!).