Gender disappointment

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I don’t want this to be a pile on, I genuinely want to understand people who have had gender disappointment.

I don’t get it at all, I have never dreamt of a certain gender and maybe because I’m AuDHD I just knew it was a 50/50 each time. It just is what it is.

If you had gender disappointment was it because you dreamt of a certain gender from being a child? Did you have a preference due to childhood trauma? Or because you had such a great relationship with your parent you wanted to replicate it? I guess I want to understand the strong preference for a certain gender and where that comes from? Even if you know logically it’s a 50/50.

When you say "gender" what do you mean?

I experienced fairly strong gender disappointment with my boys. Of course they are the light of my life, but the disappointment during pregnancy was very difficult.

It was nothing to do with stereotypes of shopping or princess dresses, and I find it somewhat insulting when this is suggested as a cause. It was about relationships.

I was so incredibly close with my own mother who was very ill with cancer, and then dying, through my two pregnancies. Part of my disappointment may well have been grief. I was also very close to my father and grandfather, but our relationships were very different. I had hoped to experience that mother-daughter relationship.

I also felt a lot of worry which came from observing so many relationships men have with their mums. I know many men who say they adore and idolize their mothers, but also who cannot seem to be bothered to phone or visit very often. Even when this is not the case, it is often perceived as strange or unusual that a man would phone or visit his mother on a semi-regular basis. It is very common on Mumsnet to see threads where a poster speaks to and sees her own Mum very frequently or even daily, but finds it unacceptable that a male partner may want to see his mother far less frequently, like once a month.

I mean if he tells us later he's a girl/woman, we support it. If he decides he wants to remain a boy/man that's also OK. And if he's somewhere in between, that also fine by us. We love the person. Not the gender.

I disagree, I wanted to find out at 20 weeks so if I had any strong feelings I had time to get through them and get back to excitement before baby was here, I would have hated to have had any disappointment feelings etc at the birth. I was happy with either, but you do have a different relationship as mother/son and mother/daughter, not one is better than the other, just different

I guess I’m reflecting slightly too, I wonder if I’m ok with having a boy because I don’t have a great relationship with my own mother. I have a sister and we get on fine but it’s not anything crazy. I always wanted an older brother rather than sister.

I wonder if my reactions would have been different if we had a girl first. Definitely food for thought and I think gender disappointment goes deeper than what some people think it is. It’s not about wanting pink and spa days. I think your experiences of men / women growing up make a difference

There are probably a lot of factors involved in gender disappointment, and vary by parent, their expectations and their environment. Being okay with either sex is probably a default.

My mother was very disappointed when I was born female. The reason given throughout my childhood was she'd assumed all pregnancy she was having another boy, and she openly had the view that having kids meant she would eventually be financially taken care of without my father, and presumed boys would be able to do that better than girls. My being female and disabled at birth was a double disappointment to that ideal.

She had a great relationship with both of her parents from what I could tell, she chose to live as close to them as possible, went out with her mother at least weekly until her death, and even moved back in with her father a few years after the divorce from my father. Most of her friends were guys, but was friendly with most women -- she was friendly with most people other than her kid and ex.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mother and a bit of a rocky one with my father though more because he was the only parent around throughout my teen years. The closest I got to gender disappointment was a flicker of 'that's not what I expected' with DD2. Her pregnancy was much closer to have I had with DS1 than DD1 and I'd had a male name in my head for a while.

As a voluntary youth worker I’ve encountered more annoying or unpleasant boys (some girls, but much fewer). I think that’s because they are often parented differently not a genetic difference but I wonder if that’s why some parents hope for a girl. I’ve met lots of great boys too, but I’d say the top 10 worst behaved kids were all boys - and as I say, I put it mostly down to shitty parenting and dads in particular with a ‘boys will be boys’ attitude.

The friends I know who struggled with this had the classic 2:4 family with 1 girl & 1 boy growing up. They seemed to pair off to do things eg mum & daughter did something whilst dad & son did something else so that was their normal.

My other friends like me who had more than 1 sibling didn’t really have the above dynamic regardless of gender so were less bothered.

Plus I know so many women who have strained relationships with their mothers.

I had GD. I wanted a boy. Struggled for an hour before I was in mother care buying pink stuff. With my second I had GD again but for a second before saying aww she is going to have a sister. My third I was so anxious as wasn’t going to find out and when I did find out he was a boy I cried with happy tears and I love him so very much 🤣😭 my baby boy

I’m suffering GD right now as I’m expecting a little boy. I think it comes from a fear of men to be honest. I’m terrified that he’ll grow up to hurt women, be a rapist or murderer, an abusive partner. That we won’t have much in common. And although I’ll try my best to make him a wonderful man, I’m terrified. I’ve read a lot about Ian Huntley lately and I can’t imagine how his mum feels. Alternatively I’m also very close to my niece and have practically raised her so that hasn’t helped.

What do you mean by "gender" if not sex?
"he" cant decide his sex.

I wanted a girl and I had a girl. I knew that my pregnancy would be my only one (and it was due to medical reasons).

My SIL was expecting at the same time and was convinced she was having a girl but had a boy. I feel that my life would be very different if I’d had a boy. My dd is a teen now and we spent this morning shopping for a strapless bra and tan. She wouldn’t have gone with my dh to do this. Equally we love reading the same books, going to yoga, watching the same tv shows etc and whilst it’s possible that a boy would also be into these things it is highly unlikely based on the 100’s of teen boys I know. My nephew the same age as dd spends most of his time gaming and only comes out of his room for food. My SIL has way more free time than me and less demands put on her. She loves it!

Always one who’ll attempt to drag a thread down into ‘why girls are better than boys.’

Stop being obtuse as other poster has pointed out

the popular term is gender reveal - completely accurate

I've explained what I think and feel. Not your life, not your child, not your place to interfere in something that is nothing to do with you.

Before I had children I only ever wanted boys, the thought of having a daughter terrified me. Looking back my childhood was one of being very controlled and having to live up to the ideal of what a “nice” girl was. I was a tomboy who was forced into dresses and made to learn ballet and singing not the horse riding or gymnastics I wanted to do.

The thought of having a girl who would naturally want to play with dolls, dress up in fairy dresses and be the opposite of who I am filled me with dread.

I remember going for my scan and finding out I was having a girl. I’m ashamed to say I burst into tears in front of the midwife. However by the time she was born I had accepted that she would be a she. I’m forever grateful that I found out before she was born as I think I would have struggled to bond with her otherwise.

I now have 2 girls and 2 boys and I can honestly say they are the best part of my life.

I'm not someone who has had it but i understand when someone would ideally like one of each. It's more odd to me when people have a preference with their first and only want girls or only want boys. I don't prefer one over the other, but i wanted to experience having a son and a daughter. I have been blessed with this (daughter hasn't arrived yet but is due in the Summer!).

You haven't explained what you mean by gender.....
If you post publicly on online forums expect responses.Expect questions.
Wether my life or not, wether my child or not no one can change their sex .

Not the point of the thread and has nothing to
do with the question. Feel free to start your own thread if you want

If I’m honest I really wanted a girl first time (but never admitted it out loud), I had a girl so all fine.

I didn’t mind so much second time but was convinced it would be another girl, just because I knew so many people who had 2 girls (NCT friends etc). I had a boy. Found out at 20 weeks and wasn’t disappointed as such, just surprised, though I know that’s ridiculous. Perhaps a slight pang as I’m close to my sister and not so much my brother? Knew we wouldn’t have a third so this was it.

the minute he was born I just adored him and couldn’t imagine for a minute why I thought what was under his nappy was in any way important!

He’s only 2 but he and his sister seem to really love each other so I’m hoping they’ll grow up close.

I had no preference for my first, but with my second I wanted another girl because I have such lovely relationships with my own sisters and I wanted that for my daughter. Obviously it was all a bit irrational as there’s no guarantee they’d even like each
other!

Precisely

I have 3 boys and the reaction from other mums whenever I announced that the third was another boy always made me laugh. I almost had to reassure them that I was happy and accepting of another boy - they all just assumed I’d be disappointed!

Before I had my first boy, I probably had a small preference towards having a girl. I was definitely thinking of all the cute pink outfits, girly days out etc. BUT then I am a massive girly girl so…

Fast forward 5 years and 2 more boys later and I’m almost relieved I don’t have girls! I suppose little spidermen are all I know now and I couldn’t imagine otherwise?! So no gender disappointment here!