If your parents died in their 50s, what have you done to prepare?

[MrsMurphyIWish]

Sorry for the bleak question!

DH (49) and I (47) had 3 parents who died in their early 50s - MIL is going strong at 75 though (thankfully!).

DD is 14 and DS is 11. Apart from MIL we haven’t a “village”.

Has anyone been in this situation? We have life insurance etc but how do we these conversations with children? They have never questioned why they have only 1 grandparent. DS is ASD which also brings about it’s one concerns.

We have never really thought about it as our lives are so busy but another thread has got me thinking.

Any advice?

All you can do is enaure your DC will be financially secure and appoint a guardian. And try to limit your risk factors for geting whatever that killed your parents. My dad dropped dead from a heart attack attack aged 56 so I know why you think what you do.

Did they die of hereditary causes? Is there any reason to suspect similar may happen to you? If not, make sure you have a will and life insurance as you say and just enjoy life!

DF does at 54, but it was linked to substances he was exposed to through his work. So it has never occurred to me that I should be concerned about dying young self and I am currently 46.

My dad passed very unexpectedly in his early 50s. Thankfully his death in service payment cleared the mortgage. I was a young adult rather than under 18. I had no idea if he did or did not have a will, or any of his wishes. Would have really helped to know where all his accounts were and a copy of a will.. That was very stressful for me to deal with. Also, if you can afford it and are worried then get some private health checks x

I’m mid 50s and exactly the same age as my mum when she died. I’ve got a will and we appointed guardians years ago…. Kids are now adults. She had smoking related cancer and I’m in pretty good health so far. And have never smoked.

Sorry didn’t give advice….Suggest you think about guardians, but don’t make a big issue. I’m trying to get my 85 yo dad organised with his papers…. Anything you can do in that space will be appreciated by someone. But hopefully well in the future!

My mum died at 51, I was 16.

I've never felt the need to have a conversation to prepare DD for my demise. She's always known I had a mum I loved very much and she died and I miss her. I don't understand your question.

I was 13 when my dad died at 50. I'm so glad it never occurred to me that my mum could die young too. I wouldn't have wanted her to prepare me for the possibility - I'd have just worried my way through the rest of my childhood.

My dad died at 56 from heart failure, I’ll keep an eye on my health but he was pretty active though his diet was crappy. His parents outlived him at least. My mum is at risk because of MH and I’ll do what I can to protect my MH from similar issues but… difficult.

I had my kids younger than my parents they’d be older than my 25 if I died at the same age. Till they’re 20 ish we have a huge life insurance policy originally it was to buy a home but since inheriting a house now it can go towards a private education (they’re home educated atm and can’t go to mainstream state school) and/or supporting them with their guardian.

I have inherited the condition that my mother died from, but medicine has improved in leaps and bounds since the 1980s and I am older than she was. And I understand how to look after my health better than she did.

Our fathers died of cancer at 54 and 55, and my mother was diagnosed with MS in her 30s but she was ill health life all her life. (I don’t know too much about my family as I grew up in a chaotic household but I know about their health conditions from research).

Is is both your expectation that you, too, will die young?

Do you both have a gene mutation or some other hereditary factor that is driving this?

Or it just a trauma-induced response?

Instead of discussing it with your kids, I think it would be more useful to seek medical advice and, potentially, counselling to address how you feel.

It is a terrible burden to live like this, I know.

I think it maybe trauma induced but also since I took my mortgage out at 22 I have had to declare certain family conditions so I think ill health has always been at the back of my mind. I have a physical disability too but surgery and osteo help but I worry that it’ll get worse as I grow older (it’s muscle-skeletal and I declare it so it doesn’t count on life insurance).

We don’t have other family so at unsure who to name as guardians. I imagine my time in care has distorted my perceptions.

My Dad died in his 30s of cancer leaving a number of children all aged under 10. I am now in my 50s. I didn't do anything to prepare my children that the same might happen to me. I don't think they would have been old enough to understand at that age. I just made sure I have a decent amount of life insurance.

Document everything in a spreadsheet - bank accounts, savings, investments, insurance policies, mortgage details, solicitor details, house insurance policy numbers, utilities - account names and account numbers, car insurance details, health insurance details - all the paperwork that is part of your daily life.
Keep it up to date and tell someone where it is kept. And make a will!

Thank you for all your honest contributions - I understand it’s a sensitive topic so I’m grateful.

I completely understand all of that.

And I also think it would be a good idea to discuss your history with your GP, who can refer you to genetic testing if medically indicated. (With cancer, I know from my own experience that one parent with the disease is not enough to suggest genetic risk, there would need to be multiple cases in various generations. But I'm not an expert!) They might also be able to refer you to counselling to process this a little bit. Though possibly need to seek that privately.

What I'm saying is, do some fact finding and process your own feelings first before even thinking about raising this with your kids. Because, as things stand, what would you even say to them? You have nothing really to offer other than your own fear and worry. That is most likely entirely unwarranted.

A will - I’m so naive.

I once read on here about a book someone recommended but I can’t think of the title.

What kind of cancers? Sorry to be blunt. I would make a massive focus on both your and dh health.

We made a will. That’s the usual preparation.

But what conversation do you think you need to have with your kids that other parents don't need to bother with?

Do you know what they died of? I have met people who basically didn't plan for life after 60 as their parents had died by that age and so they assumed they would too.

Drilling down it turned out that their parents died of things that are now much more treatable and it's likely they would have lived much longer with current medical care.

From my research, my father went into remission after stomach cancer died a year later. DH’s father had back pain for a long time, eventually saw a doctor and by that time the cancer was in his bones (originated in his stomach).

We are nearing the age our parents passed (and the threads I read today about how about how our health declines in middle age).

A friend of mine was in the situation wrt her parents dying in their 50s albeit she didn't have children.
I think she expected the same for herself and took a pension as early as she could . However she's now well into her 60s..

The NHS do offer health checks and screening at 50 plus so I would take all that is offered. If there's a genetic link with your parents cancers you should be offered more.

But equally try not to be too fatalistic.