If your parents died in their 50s, what have you done to prepare?

[MrsMurphyIWish]

Sorry for the bleak question!

DH (49) and I (47) had 3 parents who died in their early 50s - MIL is going strong at 75 though (thankfully!).

DD is 14 and DS is 11. Apart from MIL we haven’t a “village”.

Has anyone been in this situation? We have life insurance etc but how do we these conversations with children? They have never questioned why they have only 1 grandparent. DS is ASD which also brings about it’s one concerns.

We have never really thought about it as our lives are so busy but another thread has got me thinking.

Honestly, beyond the usual sensible things- will, POAs etc- and taking care of your health, I don't think you should be doing anything different. If the cancers are ones that have a genetic element then you could talk to your GP about the possibility of genetic testing or additional screening.

My grandfather died at 50 and my father spent much of his life convinced he would do the same- he is still fit as a flea at 79. I'm sorry that you and your husband lost parents so young but it doesn't mean that you will also die young. I definitely wouldn't suggest this to your children- I can only imagine it would worry them horribly for no benefit at all.

We are nearing the age our parents passed (and the threads I read today about how about how our health declines in middle age)

I'm not being obtuse but I still don't know what conversation you need to have with your kids.

And health doesn't inevitably decline in middle age.

what type of. Cancer ? Some are more avoidable than others , you don’t have ms at your age so unlikely to get it now

you’ve done all you can , do the obvious like exercising and diet and keep up to date with check up including dentist and flu jab

id say don’t dwell and live life to full

I was left to deal with the admin with the passing of my parents (no money, council house, care home admin, clearance, funerals) and I hadn’t a clue what to do, and I was 32. Some threads today have made me think if I die at the same age as my parents, how would a 19 year old and a 16 year old ASD child navigate it.

It's common for people who lost a parent young to expect their life will be cut short at the same age, or to be unable to imagine living past that age.

It doesn't actually mean it happens unless it was a hereditary condition.

My grandma died at 60 when i was small baby, from cancer. But in circumstances where it would be caught and treated much earlier now than in the 1980s.

My mum has then had cancer in her early 50s. Her consultant told her that once you hit 50, cancer is more of a risk due to age than genetics.

In terms of ‘preparation’, I think really it partly influenced my decision to not have any kids after the age of 35.

I believe men can also be less likely to go to the GP so just ensure your DH takes action when needed.

You don't need to have these conversations with your kids at all, unless one or both of you has actually been diagnosed with a condition that will or is highly likely to kill you very young. You do need to have guardians named. My son has husband's sister and my best friend. Life insurance is good, and we also have life insurance on our mortgage so the mortgage is written off if one of us is terminally ill or dies. We have mentioned to our son, 13, that his aunt and my best friends would be his legal guardians if we died, I guess so if we went together, he would know that there is some provision for him. He also has grandparents, aunt, godparents and a couple of local friends in his phone so should, heaven forbid, he find us both dead at home, or we pop out for a while leaving him here, and never return, he could get help. Other than that, I don't think these conversations are needed.

Please don't have a conversation with your children about this. You'll only upset and worry them needlessly.

Just make sure you have sorted the things within your control such as wills and finances and then focus on living well.

There is lots of great advice here about practical items like wills/ insurance and arranging your affairs.

so many conditions (including many cancers) have an element of causation by lifestyle. So not directly, but encourage it. Often these are dietary-alcohol, red meat, smoking, lack of excercise. But also environmental- poor sleep, high stress, exposure to chemicals.

if I was really concerned I would take a long look in the mirror and see what elements I am in control of.

My dad died of a heart attack at 47. My DCs know that but Ive never suggested I’m going the same way.
I take care of my own health as best as I can and I have life insurance. Sadly they lost their dad last year in tragic circumstances (age 53). They don’t need to be anxious about losing me too.

i agree re lots of good advice and a lot to reflect on too.

If anyone has seen some of my other comments on threads you’ll know I wake up between 4-5 (thank you DS!) so we both need to go to bed now. I’ll catch up on the other comments tomorrow.

@PrunellaModularis I think that the OP’s children are too young to have a conversation about this now, but personally, I think once the eldest is 18, it’s fine to discuss your plans and intentions.

@MrsMurphyIWish I understand where you’re coming from as my Mum died when I was in my mid-20’s after battling a chronic condition for years (similar condition to your Mum). I wish she’d be more open with me about her wishes and intentions -because I’d have asked to reconsider some of them! Some things that I had to deal with after her death caused a lot of family strife.

We’ve discussed our plans with DD (20) and also with DS (17) to a lesser extent. They know who his guardians would be until he’s 18; know where copies of our Wills are and have an overview of their contents; are aware of insurance policies, etc.

So I’d wait until your eldest is an adult. You can phrase that now they’re young adults and will no longer have legal guardians, you want to ensure that they’re aware of everything.

If you're worried about the admin side then there is lots you can do to make that easier- loads of resources online about putting together an info pack to help people after you die with all the important things they will need (finances, bills, funeral wishes etc etc)- chatgpt is also good for help with this if that's your bag. Also making sure there is decent insurance in place and some cash.

I'd put all of that under "sensible for everyone" though- not something connected to you specifically.

Have you seen a genetic counsellor at all? You can ask for a referral on the NHS. The job title is perhaps a bit misleading- the appointment I had with one was nothing like counselling.

Their role is to examine your family tree and the diseases which have claimed other family members, and assess the risk for the patient. Both of my parents died quite young from cancer. My dad had melanoma, my mum (and her mother) died of stomach cancer. I was concerned that there could be a genetic component in one or both cancers, so I asked for a referral to a genetic counsellor who looked at my family tree and my parents’ death certificates and medical records to assess the types of cancer they both had and whether these might have a genetic basis. The one I was most worried about was stomach cancer but I was also interested in possible links to cancers that had claimed other family members (sometimes there can be surprising genetic links between different cancers, eg breast and bowel cancers within the same family may have a genetic component). Having assessed the evidence, the genetic counsellor said she didn’t think my mum and her mum had the genetic type of stomach cancer so I am seemingly at no higher risk than anyone else.

My Dad’s cancer was also not hereditary (his melanoma probably came from sunburn in childhood).

However, the counsellor did identify a slightly higher risk of breast cancer for me because my mum also had breast cancer at quite a young age (long before her stomach cancer and completely unrelated). As a result of this, I was offered yearly mammograms starting age 40. (I was already 46 when I got this information so I missed out on some mammograms that I could have had, but at least was able to get them started before turning 50) and I’ve found that reassuring. I also pay privately to have my moles checked by a dermatologist every couple of years as my Dad’s melanoma was such an awful illness and could have been so easily avoided. The mole checks give me peace of mind.

Might be worth considering seeing a genetic counsellor. If genetic diseases are discovered, then you are armed with information and may have opportunities for screening. If nothing is found, then you can reassure yourself that you are just as likely as anyone else to live to an old age, provided you take care of yourself. 💐

I'd put all of that under "sensible for everyone" though- not something connected to you specifically.

@SparklingWater0Calories Yes, it’s important to present the information as necessary life admin, not scare them. Thankfully the only comment DS made when we mentioned this subject is that he didn’t particularly want to go and live with his auntie although he likes her dogs!

My mum died at 62, maternal grandmother 56. I retired at 57 ... why wouldn't I. Will in place.

My mum had breast cancer at 54, died (medical negligence of Mr Baumber) at 62. Ive tried to get tested for Brac2 but refused.

get a death book and put all the useful information inside the book

where your will is lodged
where your passwords can be found
write down every single bank account and building society account you have
write down shares and investments
write down the music and poems you like inside the book
write down anything else they might need to know
write down what is of real value if they come to sell items, so they get the true value]work place pension
workplace life insurance
any insurance policies you have on your lives
write down if you'd like to be cremated or buried, where you'd like to be scattered hen tell them there is a book of very useful things that if anything happens to either or both of you that will be needed

ideally you will both write its ebook and hopefully find this very useful

Gently, OP, you are catastrophising. Your parents are part of your genetic make up, but they lived their lives and you are living yours. So many elements are different. Take a step back and pause.

Do all the sensible, rational things other posters have suggested, but do not trouble your children with your (partly) irrational fears. None of us know when we will be called away, and the longer I live, the more I see it is so much of a lottery. Focus on living, and on enjoying your family.

Otherwise, you might live to a hundred, and death would still have won. How sad would that be? 🌹💕x

Whilst I'm not a doctor, that is probably very good news!

They will hopefully have mapped out your family history of cancer and concluded that you're not a candidate for genetic testing as it doesn't fit the pattern. One incidence of cancer is not enough to suggest an underlying genetic cause.

If you feel like you didn't have a family tree history taken properly, please raise the issue again with your GP. The referral would need to come from them. Some GPs are better/more aware than others.

I know it's hard but cancer can be so utterly random and strike the healthiest (and youngest) people. Finding a way to live with that, especially when you've experienced a loss like this, is not easy but definitely very important.

That’s such a lovely post @GoldbergVariations

I really don't care, in my 50s and just was so happy to be with both parents before. Me and DH have investments for DC, our responsibility.

He won't get anything, parents in council house, no savings. I will but don't want to have a penny, would rather my DP on own spends it but says no this is for you (3 of us).

No one owes me anything, especially DP who have worked hard and truly endured hardships for me to top up my phone allowance.

Just something I'm not comfortable with as I would rather they had an easier life and used money to be more comfortable and not planning for the future. Xx

We have a very standard "if we die" file in our safe for our (adult) kids now we've hit our 50s. Realistically, you never know what is going to happen in the future and it's best that it is all organized with our wills, bank accounts, passwords, etc. Having lost my Dad, the not knowing the passwords is the most annoying part to get access to everything.

Health wise, there is dementia in my family so I do my best to eat relatively healthily, exercise a lot, travel loads and live life. I can't change my future on the dementia side but I can at least know I lived a good life if I get it. And I don't eat salt, which I love to say in a really "I'm so healthy" way but I hate salt! 😂