Motherhood Has Radicalised Me

[IWantThisJob]

The social and cultural conditions of motherhood are actively cruel to women.

In pregnancy and birth we are often not listened to, or patronised, or have our pain minimised by medical professionals. The induction rate is sky high and it’s not uncommon for women to suffer quite extreme birth injuries and be expected to get on with it, to care for a newborn, often with very minimal support, and not make a fuss. We are often discharged, in pain, with very limited pain relief, bleeding, to care for a baby, sometimes having been awake for 3 or 4 days solidly.

Statutory paternity leave is 2 weeks. I read somewhere the other day that the average mum on maternity leave spends 8 hours a day alone with her baby.

We experience broken sleep for years on end, in my case 4 years and counting, and are expected to just carry on, go to work, earn money, listening to and managing screaming and crying and tantrums at all hours of the day and night.

Work and childcare are non functional. Most households need two incomes. Childcare is expensive, even with funding, work is often inflexible. We’re expected to work like we don’t have children and mother like we don’t work. If you work full time you might be made to feel guilt, if you don’t work you’re lazy.

The mental load! The sheer weight of the responsibility of organising everyone and everything, the cooking, the planning, and the amount of information we need to remember on a daily basis, of who needs to be where at what time, who needs to take what to school, who we need to buy a birthday present for, is proper cognitive labour. If you ask your husband to do it, he probably will, but it’s just another fucking thing that you need to do in asking. If he’s anything like mine, he’ll be a good husband and a good dad, but he just will not ‘carry’ it all in the way that you do.

School is term time, 9-3. 6 weeks to navigate over the summer. Arranging work, sorting childcare, trying to do activities with them to keep them and yourself sane (still not sleeping, still often listening to screaming).

Then there’s the cultural and social pressure. Can’t breastfeed? Failed. Had a C section? Failed. Oh they have to share a bedroom? Failed again. Are you feeding them well? Are they on track developmentally? Are they making friends and coping at school?

This model of motherhood may not be what everyone experiences, but if it what you experience, this level of pressure, expectation and sheer workload on mothers is actively cruel. It’s a feminist issue, and I have been radicalised. I feel actual anger at the way mothers are treated at a societal level.

I have two children. I work part time in a career that I love. My husband is also doing his best, just like me. But the pressure and expectation, and sacrifice of self, work, and autonomy is just not the same. I’m not depressed, I love my children desperately and I enjoy my life. This is not really a discussion about my own personal motherhood, but the general pattern within society.

Anyone else?

Yes I've seen that and it rang very true! So we do this stuff because it makes everyone happy, but we don't have to do it. They'd have had less fun if the mum hadn't turned up, but they'd have been ok.

Before I had kids my DH wasn't just 50/50 - he did everything house and family wise. Bought presents for my family members because I always forgot, organised our diaries.

After having our first kid, we moved more towards a 50/50 split. Since having my second, I do more. I'm not going to have anymore kids - it's too hard!

So your split would definitely have changed if you had DC. Even me, who did nothing house wise, and has a husband who still does more than any other father I know - our workload split has still changed a lot.

I couldn’t agree more. I look back on those first weeks after I gave birth and I cannot believe the sheer complacency with which mothers are treated having endured such a huge physical & mental transformation. It’s crazy. Any other form of body trauma is treated with so much more respect and consideration, and that’s without the round the clock care needed to look after a baby. It’s madness.

OP, I absolutely agree with this post

Great post OP and I agree with every word. Sadly I married a liar and a gaslighter so my feminism was set aside to survive - now I am on the other side of divorce and in my 50s, the blinkers are off and I (gently, for now) am encouraging my DD to de-centre men and concentrate on building herself into an independent and values-driven young woman who can spot bullshitters a mile off.

Well, I think in part there's a social (as opposed to societal) aspect to it.

My husband and I were together for 15 years before having a child - with more people delaying having children for adventures, we weren't atypical in spending a lot of time enjoying ourselves. We had a lot of fun together, but are also very dull and financially prudent. But there was very little practice for either of us in terms of full domestic responsibility. We could spend money on takeaways, had a cleaner, and bought a house that didn't need a whole lot of DIY.

However, I was on MN. I read plenty of threads about how hard work a child was and paid attention to it. I was a lot more prepared for it to be hard than he was - and our son was pretty easy up front. It took a while for things to become hard (the return to work and juggle of responsibilities was especially brutal).

But he also lacked a strong role model of male parental involvement. Partly because his father died when he was young, partly because his stepdad wasn't especially hands on either. Millennial men are doing more than their fathers, on average, and they're doing it without having lived and breathed the caregiver expectation in the way many men are.

But change can be slow. My son and my nephew both adore looking after and playing with babies. It's normal for them in a way that even little millennial boys typically didn't experience.

So it's not just a case of expecting men to "step up", IME - it's changing the whole narrative about life choices.

Not necessarily.

Most people know whether they share the load 50/50 before they even plan to have children.

Overwhelmingly women carry the bigger burden of housework, admin, planning, they remember and shop for birthday presents for his family, etc. Often they complain about this so they are aware that it's not an equal partnership but then they have children with that man anyway, even though he is already not doing his fair share.

It's probably evolutional. The desire to reproduce means that women will settle for less.

There they best thing I ever did but the cost was really high and not as obvious as you'd think.

As like many here DH did do 50/50 and that slowly changed - big one for us was him ending up working away in week when youngest was a baby it never went back. Other women - mothers or not are the biggest critics.

I do think structurally and cultrally women bare the brunt - then usually other women come along and find fault becuase well shouldn't have wanted kid or it's your fault for choosing that father or your fault some other way.

Apparenty easiest way to raise birth rate is to make it easier for existing parents to have more as they often want but that's never the focus for anyone.

Yes. Very much. My daughter's father left me at six months pregnant. He changed his mind and found another woman. He's never met my daughter. And I "chose" him because I thought he was lovely and a feminist and wanted children and he still fucked off. He's never paid me a penny and I don't know where he is.

I have no family here. I have zero childcare unless she's in school. I work as hard as I can, I do as much as I can, and I'm still only really treading water. I love her, but. It's so hard.

I agree.

I watched my mother working a full time job and often a second part-time job and raising multiple children - often alone.

She was knocked back for promotions at work (even when she was already acting in that job role and her replacement - who was appointed to her position - had to sign off on stress leave).

My mother eventually had a stroke, then a heart attack and then cancer. She died young.

It was so unfair. She was educated and married and her life was still so hard. She was always so tired and stressed. She worked so hard while we were younger - but her life never got easier.

I am a mother now and am a stay at home mum. I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with working full-time and being the primary parent to my child. My time is busy dealing with therapy appointments, laundry, ironing, cleaning, shopping and making dinner.

What I don’t understand is why women have children with men who can’t financially support a family. I really don’t.

Same here

I think Western mothers have it bad, God help those in third world countries

To add, we're not having it all, we're doing it all.

Women are capable, too capable.

Men are happy to sit back and let it happen around them.

Women need to try and do the same.

Lot of common sense in this. It's what we did (redesigned our lives around the children).

I really genuinely believe that mothers with children under the age they can be left alone for hours on end, should not be expected to work, in any circumstances. Whether they want to is another matter and obviously that's fine

This was so refreshing to read, thanks so much for posting it. Summed up how ive been feeling since my first pregnancy tbh. I feel like im drowning right now. Left a very long term DV/DA relationship. Dealing with the fallout of that and the harrowing mental impact it has had on me. All while trying to raise two very young children alone, one with quite intense SEN. On sick leave until my youngest is settled in nursery or I cannot actually work. Called lazy / scrounger / making excuses for this. I have no family to help, no friends close by. Fighting for my life financially and have to carry on each day with a smile on my face and talk to people who's biggest problem is what colour theyre going to paint their front door. Entertain the kids to no end. Do everything to make sure theyre happy and safe and well-cared for. With noone ever checking in. Just the same old 'youre doing a great job!' Like it is any sort of constellation. Im exhausted, im drained, im burnt out, and im really fucking sad.

Meanwhile accused of and shunned for 'destroying my family' as of my ex wasnt the one hurting me, refusing to contribute, refusing to raise his kids, abusing me every single day. Gets to live a new life guilt free telling people how awful i am. I just feel in an absolute whirlwind all the time and its soul-crushing. I love my children dearly, they are brilliant and I am so grateful to call them my own. I just wish I had someone else to help, and I feel guilty writing that because as you said, reuqiring any form of help as mother = failure. The same old 'you had kids, theyre your responsibility', like yeah so did the man who completely neglected them and abused me, but he doesnt deal with any fallout, right. Im so fed up of it all. Sorry for the rant. A lot of people on here really dont seem to like me and well, its because im dealing with all of this and I let it show in who I am and what im like. I hate myself sometimes, other times have to be my own mother and reassure myself not to be so self-critical. Anyway, sorry for the rant. Really great post and have enjoyed reading the comments.

I agree.

My dd1 was born when there was no funded childcare hours between maternity leave and age 3. I returned to work because I had to - I didn’t even make enough to do much more than pay for childcare and part of our mortgage in the early years. So the price of being in work - I earned less than nothing but I kept my foothold and my pension.

”You chose to be a career woman with kids” I was repeatedly told. But I didn’t have a choice - what if my dh left me, I’d have no pension and no way of supporting myself?

My career stalled NOT because I couldn’t have risen to a senior manager but because I was exhausted. Not just kids - aging relatives that needed care and time. That’s falls unevenly on women too.

Every working mum I know shudders if I say “would you consider another child”? Most of my friends stopped at one child.

Theres a reason why the birth rate is plummeting

Try doing all that as a full time working single mother with no support or break.

Like so many other mums I find myself “getting through” another week. It’s so sad when your children’s lives are blighted by the fact you are enduring the combination of work, home, elderly care and motherhood together. It’s all so heavy and hard to manage without losing your soul. It’s no wonder poor MH is on the rise .
i love being a mum and my girls are wonderful, but life is so hard all the time it’s getting harder .

Yes very true. But still I want to say that having small kids fills me with love every day. I’m exhausted most of the time but I appreciate them and the time they need me so much. It’s hard but it’s my choice.

In the past we had a village to help but that has gone. It’s a tricky situation as many women want to continue to work, many have no choice as two incomes are needed, but it means that where in the past your baby was screaming and the house was a tip well you probably had an aunt or younger sister or mother that could come and help with the cleaning and take the baby for a bit. Now that support has gone as everyone is at work and mothers are left alone. I don’t know what the answer is as I don’t want to go back to the age of having no autonomy and no choices, but I often question whether we do actually have a choice these days or just the illusion of it.

Possibly. But as many PPS have said, it's very easy to share the load 50:50 before kids come along and I think many men are capable of sharing the load when it's just an additional adult - when kids are in the picture there's so much additional work that you can't really predict and it's much harder to see.

No one has a crystal ball - you can only work with the man you see at the point of deciding to marry/have kids - not the man they'll be 3 years and no sleep down the line.

People claiming they'd 'never' marry/have a child with a man who won't step up is short-sighted, as is congratulating oneself on doing anything particularly 'better' should you be lucky enough that he does, in fact, follow through.

The biggest detriment to women is working and double income. Yes it's nice we have the option to work but honestly all it has done is push us into not only taking on the majority of household tasks and mental load, but now we all have jobs and financial responsibility on our shoulders.

I have one child, I work 4 days a week, I have very good support from my parents and husband but my god it's hard. I'm often up all night with my toddler, I'm in the office 9-5, then doing bedtime until 9pm, I then have 2 hours to do the washing, cleaning, organising of the next day. It's completely exhausting. I will not be having another child due to this.

my husband is capable of doing things but he just does not do it the same way or to the same degree as me that allows me to let go, he needs to be told when to do things, it's exhausting. I do think it's a woman thing in general, we are better at housekeeping, organisation, caring, multitasking. We end up miserable because we have to let things slide and before we know it, we're snowed in washing, ironing, the house is a mess,

i understand it's not fair but I think it never will be because mothers are meant to be the main carer of their young children, it's why we have breasts, it's why we give birth, it's biological. My child wants me for comfort most of the time, when he wakes he wants his mum. When you look at nature, mothers look after the young, we are biologically more nurturing. We were not meant to be working like we now need to. It's the work that needs to change, women unfortunately cannot have it all and it's that dream we've been missold!!!

Apparenty easiest way to raise birth rate is to make it easier for existing parents to have more as they often want but that's never the focus for anyone.

I'd basically only want another child if I won a million pounds - enough to finance generous additional support in the early years without having to work FT to earn it.

As it is, I compress hours, use 3 days of nursery and have family support. My friend is on Mat Leave and she's leaning on me to provide advice because she doesn't know a single other woman who's gone back to full time hours and salary.

Good for you x I met my husband through a left wing organisation, he talked a good game, now my husband reminds me daily that he doesn't have anything for his lunch tomorrow, in a pathetic whinging voice, because I am home educating in the day time with my two boys I should make it, how did this happen to me?

Me too.
Very glad, happy marriage (20 years), missed on nothing.
😀