So distressed - probably only need a hand hold as nothing anyone can do to help

[Ilovepastafortea]

For context DH & me have been together since I was 17 - married for more than 40 years. We have 3 grown up children & 7 GC. He's 72 & retired, I'm 63 & work 3 days a week.

On 20/11/25 DH went into hospital for an op on his left hand-Dupretin's Contracture surgery which involved amputation of his left little finger & straightening his middle fingers. While in hospital he had a stroke & then developed sepsis in the hand that had been operated on. He now has very little use of his left hand & is, frankly, in agony with the pain from the op. He's seen his GP who's prescribed Gabapentin, Codeine, Naxprophen & sleeping tablets.

DH was the main housekeeper & cook. But as he can no longer manage zips & buttons, & his balance has been affected, he needs me to help dress him, help in in & out of bed, I have to do all cooking & housework I even have to help him in the loo as he can't reach to wipe his bum without falling off the loo. Then I have to help him pull up his trousers. I've bought him some elasticated waisted trousers, but he can't manage to pull them up with only one good hand & then over balances when he tries. I've said that once it gets to 20/5/26 I will be able to claim Attendance Allowance for him as he needs to have been this disabled for at least 6 months & 20/5/26 will be the 6 month anniversary of his initial op. I'm thinking that I will then reduce my working hours so that I can claim Carer's Allowance.

In the meantime I feel rather stuck. He can't drive anymore even our automatic car as his left hand is useless & it's not safe for him to drive one handed. So I have to drive him to & from appointments, drive to get his meds etc. We live in a rural area & it's a PITA to drive into the city, find parking, pay for parking etc (in the city centre you even have to pay for disabled bays). I spent all of yesterday driving him to the doctors, driving him home, waited for a bit, then back into the city to have to wait for an hour at Boots for his prescription because it being Gabapentin (which apparently is an opiate) needed to be authorised by a second pharmacist who was at lunch. In the meantime I'm worried that he's going to need the loo & I won't be there to help him get dressed afterwards, or maybe he might have fallen & hurt himself - which did happen. So then I had to drive back into the city to wait at A&E to get his head injury checked out.

Oh I forgot to mention that I have a serious spinal injury & arthritis so I use crutches around the house & usually a wheelchair when outdoors.

But the worst thing is that I don't dare cuddle him. In bed I shy away from him keeping firmly to my part of the bed as I'm afraid that I will touch his left hand & hurt him. Even though we're an older couple, we used to regularly 'express our love in a physical way', but no longer & I miss the intimacy.

I think the help is there you just have to ask for it and I guess each area differs in what it can offer and how quickly.
In my area you can request an OT assessment yourself online and they are pretty quick to send someone round. A Blue badge can be awarded within a few days of application with the right evidence.
Adult social care are slower and seem overwhelmed.
Age Uk are an excellent source of support with advice and form filling.
Local carers services can provide carers passports, emotional support and grants etc.
I work for a charity which helps with benefit forms and we see people really quickly after they request help. My job is ending soon though as there is no funding available to keep me on. Currently i am the only one in my county who goes out to rural areas to help housebound people with forms etc so will be a big loss. I hope you get the help you need op.

They should have done a care needs assessment before he was discharged, especially since he was coming home needing ongoing physical care from you, and you have a disability yourself which makes this difficult for you to manage.

Seems to me as though it was an unsafe discharge. They didn't assess what help either of you would need, or indeed whether you would be physically able to give him this level of care.

Thank you. I wasn't able to go into the GP surgery with him as couldn't find a parking space, but his GP is very sympathetic & referred him back to the consultant. But that appointment could be months ahead. I've been to the pain clinic for my own issues & have talked to DH about the help that I got. I've been encouraging him to come with me to walk our little spaniel, got him a stress ball to use to get his left hand working that kind of thing. He's started drinking more alcohol than he used to as, he says, he's doing whatever is necessary to deal with the pain. I get that, but alcohol on top of major painkillers makes him more likely to fall. But I can't argue with him - he's doing whatever he needs to do to stay on top of the pain. But I don't like him drinking so much alcohol - neither of us have been big drinkers. He's also insisting that I stop doing housework & sit down to join him - suggesting that I have a drink to join him. I'm avoiding that as usually I only have a couple of glasses of wine on a Friday & Saturday night & don't want to get involved in drinking. Apart from anything I feel that I need to be totally compos mentis in case he needs my care. It's rather like having a small child in the house.

He's not the man who I've loved & lived with for more than 40 years. I hate it.

Too right!

They discharged him with totally inadequate dressings. I sent my (nurse matron) DD photos of the dressing that he came home with. She was horrified. No assessment of his home circumstances even though I visited him in a wheelchair.

But it is what is is. At least he has a wife who works within the benefits system & understands how it works.

Oh god OP he's an alcoholic. Sorry but he is. He's drinking most days, yes? Even if it's not a lot.

Definitely don't join him, he's trying to normalise the behaviour. To feed his denial that he has a problem.

It'll make everything worse. I'm sorry but he's being so so selfish. This moment is when he should return to GP and complain that the pain relief isn't enough. Not turn to the bottle. People say addiction isn't a choice but I don't buy that. This point, when he's at the fork in the road, he needs to choose the correct path and he isn't. If he has to return for an emergency GP appointment daily to ask for pain relief then he should. There are other drugs. Some antidepressants, benzodiazepines and morphine etc amongst them. It's not a choice between pain or alcohol. Life with an alcoholic is miserable and they inevitably become abusive. I'd honestly leave him if he doesn't stop. Save yourself before you're too ground down.

Pour it all away today and don't have it in the house. He can't fetch it or order it himself (?) so that puts paid to it. (Unless he's drinking a lot, in which case he needs medicated through withdrawal so he doesn't have seizures - go see the GP by yourself to grass him up in that case and ask that he's referred for rehab (it'll be only short term and won't deal with the psychological side of it)). Then refuse to have him home until appropriate care is in place. The GP can't talk to you about his care but can listen to what you have to say.

Also if you're not claiming PIP for yourself then you should be. You sound like you'd qualify for the mobility part at least.

Thank you for your advice. DH is resistant to any social care help as he's hoping things will improve for him, but I doubt it.

I work in the benefits system and am aware of what's available to us. I know that it will be easier to get him a blue badge once he's in receipt of AA and am certain that he will qualify for the enhanced rate of it. I have a blue badge for myself as am in receipt of enhanced rate of PIP due to my mobility problems so not a real issue as I try to accompany him to all medical appointments.

DH is resistant to any social care help as he's hoping things will improve for him, but I doubt it.

Tough shit. Don't let him dictate to you. Even if his care is temporary he still needs it for now. It's more selfishness on his part. You need to refuse to do some of it (the stuff you know he could get help with like getting up/ready for bed and some toileting). Put him in a situation where he has to accept outside help. It's not mean to not want to be taken advantage of.

Oh god OP he's an alcoholic. Sorry but he is. He's drinking most days, yes? Even if it's not a lot.

No he's not alcohol dependant. He's just been drinking more than usual as it helped with the pain. We've talked about it & I've said to depend on the prescribed pain killers eg: not waiting until it hurts, but to take them as prescribed. Since seeing GP yesterday & had painkiller dosage increased he hasn't had any alcohol yesterday or today. The painkillers have done their job.

I'd request an assessment from social services and get care in twice a day to support him getting up, with personal care and dressing then same in the evening. It's going to burn you out otherwise. Sorry to say this but he doesn't seem to want to help himself either
I know people with one working arm who manage everything including driving......

Looking to the future and bearing in mind your own medical needs / limitations, is living rurally really the best for you both? One day you won’t be able to drive - what happens then? Could you move somewhere where you could walk to doctor/ pharmacy etc? Closer to family to be on have to help? What have your children said about the current situation? Are they in a position to provide practical help? Can you afford to buy in housekeeping help?

Thank you for your input and I'm taking on board.

There is no help available for someone who isn't in receipt of the relevant benefits - I've checked.

He hates me having to help him & resists it, but I'd rather help him to wipe his bum than hot wash his pooie pants TBH.

edited to try to work out how to spell pooie - pooey? pooy?

You got together when you were 17 and he was 26!?

There is no help available for someone who isn't in receipt of the relevant benefits - I've checked.

No, you've been lied to by social services. Social care isn't dependent on being on benefits. You may have to pay for it if you're household has a high enough income. But they can and should assess and organise it. Then bill him for whatever his share is (which may or may not be all of it).

@Ilovepastafortea what county do you live in? A lot of the areas you mentioned, like dressing, food prep, etc, with are things the ILC in Wiltshire can help advise on if you live in Wiltshire or BaNES. It’s a charity so no social care involvement, and all advice is free. ilc.org.uk

Carers assessment also has nothing to do with benefits.

They will lie and scheme to get out of paying anything they can or doing any work if possible.

Just FYI if he falls and goes back to hospital, you can and should refuse to take him home. Until appropriate care is in place. They literally can't force you to. No matter what lies they'll tell about it to guilt trip you. It's too late now but it's what should have happened the first time after this operation.

This is something we're looking into. We live very close to a bus stop & on the edge of a village with a shop/Post Office. But, as I say we're thinking that once our little dog dies (she's 13) & no longer need a garden, we may move to a flat in the city close to everything.

We have a DD who lives about 5 miles away, but she has a busy job as a nurse-matron in the local hospital, 2 DGCs to take care of, her husband also has a busy job as a self employed plumber & we do a lot of childcare for them both. We don't want to burden her with her father's issues.

Normal years ago. And totally irrelevant now. 😵‍💫

I don't see how that is relevant TBH.

We've been together for more than 40 years have 3 DCs & 7 DGCs. We've had a good life together. Once I met him there was no-one else for me. Yes, we've had our ups & downs, but he's the love of my life - always has been, always will be.

We have a DD who lives about 5 miles away, but she has a busy job as a nurse-matron in the local hospital, 2 DGCs to take care of, her husband also has a busy job as a self employed plumber & we do a lot of childcare for them both. We don't want to burden her with her father's issues

Which is fair enough. But you maybe need to accept that equally she can't necessarily burden you with her childcare issues at this point in your life. You're a person too, you deserve a life too.

I have had a similar situation but with my foot.

he can apply for pip.

you can get adjustments to automatic cars so they can be driven with one hand. If he gets pip with higher rate mobility then motability can sort this out.

you can buy accessible clothes - primark do a range and there are others, I have quite a lot.

the system won’t help you. I sourced my own hydro and physio. Physio WILL make a difference but you won’t get it from the nhs. Look around and try to find a physio with experience in this.

gabapentin is a controlled drug but not a opioid. In theory the go is supposed to prescribe to keep the pain down “quality of life” but in my experience they really don’t care.

it’s worth pushing them on it because if the pain is controlled you can do more physio. Naproxen and codeine are not particularly strong painkillers ao if they are not controlling his pain you may need to make a nuisance of yourself with the gp.

toilet - you can get Japanese style toilets that wash and dry your bum after going. My friend who is disabled has one.

Oh, and get dressed on the bed. I fall over if so try to get dressed standing up. Sitting on the bed is more manageable. There’s techniques to learn.

@Ilovepastafortea having applied for mother and step, it sounds as thiugh you are both eligible for attendance allowance and at the higher rate. Please google.

Different angle on the care and support and OT type input front.

The more specialist input he gets sooner, the more likely he is to recover more. That angle might help with his engagement with that. A good rehab OT or physio might make a lot of difference to the day to day life stuff.

eg. A bidet spray head for the toilet.

he can apply for pip. you can get adjustments to automatic cars so they can be driven with one hand. If he gets pip with higher rate mobility then motability can sort this out.

He may be able to get an adapted car but PIP won't pay for it. It's a working age benefit. He's 72. He can't claim PIP now having not claimed it before.

You can absolutely get help from adult social care without being in receipt of certain benefits. My mum is only just applying for AA but has had carers 4 times a day due to deteriorating mobility from metastatic breast cancer. Her care is funded by the NHS as she is eligible for funded care via the continuing health care needs.

Contact your GP and ask for a referral for an urgent OT assessment who can help with all of this.

So sorry that this has happened to your husband.