Meditation - why does it not work well for me?

[Littlebluebunny]

I have struggled with mental health issues for most of my life (high anxiety, ocd, adhd). I do think it's the way I am built rather than anything major having occurred during my 53 years but still, I don't like how it often leaves me feeling.

I prefer to find more 'natural' ways to try to manage my issues as medication has adverse side effects for me.

I like gentle forms of exercise and relaxation and practise yoga and love that for the physical strength building and muscle stretching etc and I walk everywhere in nature to help ground me.

But I am still looking for something to relieve me of my over thinking angsty brain and so over many years I have tried various forms of meditation but I can never get to a place where I find it is works well for me - I have attended meditation sessions where everyone seems to be getting into a deep state of relaxation yet my brain is still wired, it's always listening out for every sound, feeling every ache, pain, sensation in my body and smelling all different smells in the vicinity (I have a very heightened sense of smell) and not matter how much I try to bring my mind back to the meditation it always wanders off.

For the last 2 years I have been using the Calm app every day as I wondered if being at home, in my own comfortable environment I may be able to practise the meditation deeper but again I just find my mind goes off to other places and I constantly have to draw it back to the matter in hand. Or the alternative is that I usually fall asleep so I do still use it as a sleeping aid.

What am I doing wrong? Practise makes perfect or so they say but I have been practising for ages now and not getting any major benefits from it.

Its a practice. It takes a long time to learn how to meditate properly. People think they sit and listen to some music whilst counting in their head once constitutes real mediation but it doesnt.
You need quiet and still and youll just know when you've found your peace. It took me nearly 6 years of consistency and frustration along the way.

Good luck. Its a game changer x

Have you tried tapping. I could never meditate but have found guided tapping sessions to be useful as they’re more interactive, if that makes sense.

Probably the fact you have ADHD. Mindfulness and meditation has never worked for DS either, he has ADHD and autism, and was offered both in school to help his anxiety. He tells me his brain just keeps wandering and won’t stop no matter what he tries. He’s very much a “doer” and can only really achieve something akin to meditation when totally absorbed in a task that meets his need for stimulation and movement.

It doesn’t work for everyone. For a small minority of people, it can make feelings of anxiety or depression worse. I’m one of them.

ETA: I find things like jigsaw puzzles much better for that same kind of benefit.

Perhaps look at forms of meditation where your mind being drawn off isn't considered a problem , but part of the process? I'm very similar to you, and mindfulness for example is hopeless for me. I found that transcendental meditation works really well for me because it is accepted that your mind will wonder and that is part of the process. I learnt through the charity The Meditation Trust.

That is completely normal.

your mind does wander off. That is what it does - it’s there to think and it does.

the first step is noticing it wandering - you might be surprised how many people don’t

Also you really cannot tell from just looking at people how they are meditating. My daughter looks like she is but she’s actually making up stories in her head (she told me).

so you notice the wandering - and you can bring your mind back. That’s actually a good thing to be able to do and it takes some people years to be able to do it:

my daughter describes her mind as constant voices and talking and says she has very little control over what she thinks about. Meditation s about developing that control - and a pp is right it’s about practice.

Partly it's to do with accepting your mind is racing, noticing the thought but letting it go.

I explained to my meditation teacher that I had a similar issue and she said to think of it as an exhaust fume where you're letting those thoughts out. It's not about not having thoughts at all (although at some point we might get there) or not feeling unsettled, it's about allowing your mind and body to feel the things it wants.

If we're feeling particularly down or in a bad place, it might take us longer to get that place that others seem to get to and that's OK.

The more you try to catch the thoughts or stop them, the harder it is so first of all just focus on noticing and accepting they are.

Meditation has never worked for me either - I’m way too hyper vigilant, my brain doesn’t go quiet. What does work for me is active mindfulness - doing something while paying full attention to that thing. So I do crafts that need my attention, like cross stitch where I can get lost in the activity but need to pay attention or if I’m cooking I really pay attention to the different scents, textures, sounds etc. Being fully present when walking the dog, or taking a shower.

Meditation is one way but it’s not the only way.

I quite liked it for a while. I could completely empty my mind for as long as I set out for. My meditation instructor was somewhat “jealous” because it was such a struggle for him to clear his mind until we figured out it was a combination of my ND and well worn ability to dissociate.

I think any technique you can use to lower your conditioning and biology to help you regulate is good but the reality is that meditation will not fix nervous system problems without dealing with the root conditioning and psychologically beneath and even still there will be innate biological differences that might not be changeable so it is not a simple fix.

I’m 52 and it’s never worked for me either. Coincidentally I also have/had ADHD (never pursued a diagnosis as an adult but got expelled from school and was told I had it then 😂) so maybe that is why.

To zone out, I watch something I’ve seen multiple times that doesn’t stress my brain. I love things like jigsaws and puzzles but it pulls my hyper focus so it’s not relaxing in the same way as forcing my brain to switch off by watching the same episode of something for the 2000th time. Maybe try that and see if it works.

I am similar to you, I find meditation tricky because I am always trying to "achieve" something akin to peace. However once I dropped that and did nothing it came naturally. Try this "do nothing" meditation, its fab: s

You might find breathwork better than meditation, it works better for me. Yes your mind wanders but you just bring your attention back to the breath, concentrating on the sensations of the breath in the body and practice box breathing or alternate nostrils breathing - it slows down the breath and the heart rate and induces a feeling of calm and is restful. You may be able to find a breathwork class or workshop near you to start you off. I do a yoga class and it always starts with some breathing exercises so it's a part of yoga practice - speak to your yoga teacher for advice.

I’ve been at it 4+ years and don’t feel I am anywhere near to achieving any kind of success with it.

I have. I’ve tried tapping and did EMDR but still no success.

Yes, that’s me too.

Yes, it absolutely does make me feel more agitated.

I keep meaning to give puzzles a go.

Meditation and mindfulness don't tend to work for those with autistic and ADHD profiles. There have been studies, will try to link

Do you use mala beads? There are so many ways to meditate. My daughter with severe ADHD prefers mala, chanting, walking and contemplative. I would even suggest a different breathing pattern maybe. What do you like in yoga classes?

But that’s the problem, my mind wanders off and never comes back or I am forever trying to guide it back to the present which I find super frustrating and it’s the constant toning and froing which just agitates me more or the alternative is that I end up falling asleep as my mind has deserted me and I wake up half hour later feeling like a bag of shite lol.

Also CBT therapy tends to be useless

Have you tried walking a lot? In nature? This is the only thing I find effective

Yes, that’s me, super hyper vigilant and I can’t let go at all. I think I may need to explore other options as you mention.

And yoga, useless and annoying (and culturally inappropriate if you are a middle class western white lady)

That’s what I do to zone out too, endless re-runs of my favourite tv shows, on a loop is a kind of meditation.

I definitely need to pursue other activities and see which one is a better fit for me.

I have the same. I do think there is a lot of benefit in just creating the space. Ones I've found useful are ones that ask me to be intuitive, such as past life regression and journalling. Journalling helps me enormously during a meditation session. You might also like sound bowls or anything sound - the one I go to uses tubes he's been hand making for years - and every time I have a session I come away amazed with the results on my brain. Funny isn't it? The only thing that stops the constant stream is a few loud bongs of sounds at random frequencies!!

I haven’t tried them but I have always been drawn to Buddhism.