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Original poster

DD heartbreak

46 replies

thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:16

Dd (young adult) has been with her boyfriend for a couple of years, and they were living together. A month ago she got a text from an unknown woman saying she and DD’s bf had been ‘speaking’ online for a couple of months. Dd asked her bf if it was true. He said yes and she dumped him.

Since then he’s been so cold towards dd, as if all his feelings have been switched off. He’s like a totally different person. Not sorry for what he’s done at all. Then this week another woman messages dd to say she shagged DD’s bf back in December. WTF??

dd is hurt, angry, and in shock that she could have misjudged him so badly. He used to treat her so well and we thought he was a good person. Turns out he’s not.

What can I say to dd that will help her?

How could he have behaved like this?

And I’m very tempted to message him and tell him just what I think of him. Bad idea?

OP posts:
Fullofthejoysofspring · 14/02/2026 08:19

Do NOT message him or get involved. All you can do is be there for your DD. She’s shown fantastic awareness of her own worth by ditching this loser, it will take time to get over the shock and pain but she will emerge stronger and meet someone far more deserving of her.

Original poster
thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:22

I know you’re right. But I just want to tell him what a dick he is and how disappointed we are.

OP posts:
FrostyFlo · 14/02/2026 08:22

thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:16

Dd (young adult) has been with her boyfriend for a couple of years, and they were living together. A month ago she got a text from an unknown woman saying she and DD’s bf had been ‘speaking’ online for a couple of months. Dd asked her bf if it was true. He said yes and she dumped him.

Since then he’s been so cold towards dd, as if all his feelings have been switched off. He’s like a totally different person. Not sorry for what he’s done at all. Then this week another woman messages dd to say she shagged DD’s bf back in December. WTF??

dd is hurt, angry, and in shock that she could have misjudged him so badly. He used to treat her so well and we thought he was a good person. Turns out he’s not.

What can I say to dd that will help her?

How could he have behaved like this?

And I’m very tempted to message him and tell him just what I think of him. Bad idea?

Very bad idea .
You need to keep out of it . Yes be there for your dd , but actually get involved , a big no .
How many bfs have you had over the years ?
I expect your dd will have many and surely you don't plan to tell everyone what you think of them ?
Let your daughter adult herself .

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:22

He’s also not taken dd off the tenancy agreement, despite saying he will, so she has that hanging over her.

OP posts:
PriscillaD · 14/02/2026 08:26

It's definitely not your place to intervene. Pour your energy into supporting your poor DD, rather than chastising an idiot who clearly doesn't care about her or her family.
It's a hard lesson to learn and a sad realisation that so many men are shits - but she is young and there will be other nicer ones out there.
Encourage her to pour her own energy into her work, her female friendships, maybe doing something that she's always wanted to do for herself (eg travel, new hobby etc). The last thing you need in your early 20s is a useless man dragging you down, and stopping you from taking other opportunities!
When she is happy and confident with herself is when she will meet someone who treats her respectfully.

Original poster
thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:28

I am doing that, @PriscillaD, thank you. And she’s travelling, seeing friends, doing new things. She knows what she’s doing.

OP posts:
PriscillaD · 14/02/2026 08:30

thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:22

He’s also not taken dd off the tenancy agreement, despite saying he will, so she has that hanging over her.

This is the difficulty with fixed term tenancies for young relationships. They both signed the contract so they both remain liable for the rent until the term is up. On 1st May the law changes and I think she will be able to end this tenancy unilaterally, with two months notice to landlord.

Ohcrap082024 · 14/02/2026 08:33

You should be very proud of your DD for dumping his arse straightaway. She has strong boundaries.

Do not contact him. It will not achieve what you want it to. He’s simply not worth it.

MoiraPlunkett · 14/02/2026 08:36

She's - rightly - dumped him, I'm not sure why you would expect someone who has been dumped to behave as though they still have affection for the person who has dumped them. He's moved on - sounds like he was already moving on before they split - I really don't see why you are surprised by his behaviour, and messaging him would be a ridiculous thing to do.

Onelifeonly · 14/02/2026 08:40

It's good that she's found out now (at least he was honest when confronted). She's young and will learn from the experience so I'd try to forget him yourself and move on - pointless to tell him what you think of him.

hididdlyho · 14/02/2026 08:41

You can't say anything to him, as much as you may want to (and it's completely understandable why your instinct is to give him a piece of your mind). Nothing you try to say will make your DD feel better when she's in the depths of heartbreak. I think if she senses your trying to 'fix' the situation she may think her feelings are being minimised, she needs some time to feel betrayed and sad to process what's happened. Lots of listening to her vent if that's what she needs, she'd likely appreciate a bit of TLC and some favourite treats.

Original poster
thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:47

hididdlyho · 14/02/2026 08:41

You can't say anything to him, as much as you may want to (and it's completely understandable why your instinct is to give him a piece of your mind). Nothing you try to say will make your DD feel better when she's in the depths of heartbreak. I think if she senses your trying to 'fix' the situation she may think her feelings are being minimised, she needs some time to feel betrayed and sad to process what's happened. Lots of listening to her vent if that's what she needs, she'd likely appreciate a bit of TLC and some favourite treats.

Thank you. That’s a good reminder.

OP posts:
workingcocker · 14/02/2026 08:50

Well done DD for leaving. It’s a positive that she knows now before they got married and had kids.

life lessons unfortunately.

I would be tempted to have my say, but from what you say of will fall on deaf ears so don’t bother.

Coffeeishot · 14/02/2026 08:50

thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:22

I know you’re right. But I just want to tell him what a dick he is and how disappointed we are.

Please don't message him he is a dick but support your daughter, you will just come over as "unhinged" if you message him and he won't care.

JacknDiane · 14/02/2026 09:00

Its hard to let our adult kids actually be adults but you have no choice here @thetinsoldier. Keep out of it. If ge doesn't care about your dds feelings why should he care about yours? It'll just cause embarrassment for dd if you get involved.

Support her as best you can, from a distance .

Biggles27 · 15/02/2026 12:11

Gosh, how awful. I totally get that you want to tear him a new one but sadly you have to not get involved. Just be there for your daughter

sadly there is nothing can be done about the tenancy till May, she, from what I understand, can then give notice but I’d check that out as I’m in Wales and I think we might have different rules (again not sure - I don’t rent so not up to date)

It’s a horrid situation but thankfully she’s seen her worth and has walked away from that lowlife. She deserves so much more

EvangelineTheNightStar · 15/02/2026 12:18

He said yes and she dumped him.
Since then he’s been so cold towards dd, as if all his feelings have been switched off. He’s like a totally different person
But she dumped him? They’ve broken up?
Is she/you expecting him to be warm and loving still?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/02/2026 12:20

thetinsoldier · 14/02/2026 08:16

Dd (young adult) has been with her boyfriend for a couple of years, and they were living together. A month ago she got a text from an unknown woman saying she and DD’s bf had been ‘speaking’ online for a couple of months. Dd asked her bf if it was true. He said yes and she dumped him.

Since then he’s been so cold towards dd, as if all his feelings have been switched off. He’s like a totally different person. Not sorry for what he’s done at all. Then this week another woman messages dd to say she shagged DD’s bf back in December. WTF??

dd is hurt, angry, and in shock that she could have misjudged him so badly. He used to treat her so well and we thought he was a good person. Turns out he’s not.

What can I say to dd that will help her?

How could he have behaved like this?

And I’m very tempted to message him and tell him just what I think of him. Bad idea?

All you can really do is tell her she’s better off without him - he’s shown his true colours. And - perhaps more importantly - that the sun WILL come out again.

It’s very hard to witness though. You might be thankful though that you weren’t like me - dd once on the phone from the arse end of New Zealand, in heartbroken tears because of her wretched bloke! Thank goodness she had the sense never to get back together with him, even though he wanted to a while later.

Littlebassist · 15/02/2026 12:25

I agree with PPs above, don’t get involved! However, a good way of helping a little here is to reinforce that she’s done the right thing, and that his current behaviour is really showing his true colours. If he can’t be civilised given the heartache he’s caused, and he can’t sort out the tenancy agreement etc, then he really wasn’t worth her time. It’s a shame, but eventually she will find a new love, and hopefully with someone who treats her right.

meganorks · 15/02/2026 12:25

As everyone has said, don't contact him.

As harsh as it is for your DD, actually his 'cold' behaviour is better for her really. No second guessing herself or wondering if she should give him another chance etc. If he was begging forgiveness, promising never again, telling her how much he loved her that would be much worse. She's seen his true colours now so it will be easier to move on.

Imalittleelf · 15/02/2026 12:28

I am glad she had the sense to get out.... I had someone tell me they had been sleeping with my BF... I didnt belive them...turns out he got her pregnant...I found out because of search history on ebay looking for baby books....

At least she has made the decision for herself to walk away.

When ths 2nd guy cheated on me, I took myself on a tour holiday around America. It was amazing and so liberating.

Encourage her to book something fun, something she has always wanted to do

Julimia · 15/02/2026 12:45

Keep out of it. Be there for your DD. Dont bad mouth him to her just gently encourage her to,in time, chalk it up to experience. She will be fine. Hope you are too!

Thatoldchestnutagain · 15/02/2026 13:09

Leave him to squirm if you bump into him. As others have said it's best for them to have a clean break now, and she moves forward. I made the mistake of not being strong at her age and still regret it 40 years later. It's difficult to get over what seemed like a serious relationship and a betrayal. Be proud of her strength and boundaries

YenSon · 15/02/2026 13:19

She’s done a great job by herself. Do not get involved. Rejection and betrayal hurts and she has had a lucky escape from this one. Let her know it’s a him problem and his choices and actions have nothing to do with her. Chalk it up to experience

Floundering66 · 15/02/2026 13:42

Exact same thing happened to my best friend. It’s horrible and sickening. Just be there for her and help her keep busy! Don’t mess him, he knows what you all think and if he’s being cold he probably gets a kick out of knowing how of an impact he’s having.