What do you do when a conversation goes like this?

[TFImBackIn]

I was at my SIL and BIL's this weekend, just the three of us. I really love them and have known them both for decades, but I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by this sort of conversation:

SIL: My granddaughter plays with some magnetic tiles. They're really good.
Me: Mine has those, too. (They're both the same age.) They're great aren't they?
SIL finds them on Amazon: This is what they look like. What happens is you connect the tiles together.
Me: I know - I've been using them for months.
SIL: The way they work is that they're magnetic.
Me: I know!
SIL: So it means the children can make all sorts of shapes... (Proceeds to show me tons of photos of her GD playing with them.)

Am I at fault here?

Also my BIL is at it...

BIL before I went on a trip from their house: I've got one of these things... a charger that you can take with you on a journey.
Me: Yes, I've got one of those. They're good, aren't they?
BIL: The way it works is that you plug your cable into it (proceeds to show me) and it means you never run out of battery.
Me: Yes, I've had one for years. They're really useful.
BIL: And it will charge three phones... (bangs on and on about it)

I don't know what I'm meant to do. Should I pretend I know nothing about whatever it is they're talking about? Is that what they want, to be able to pass on information?

It happens time and time again. It's as though they can't hear me (but I know they can) and just want to tell their story.

We’re taught to read and write as children but not to listen. And I don’t mean quietly waiting to reply, I mean listening with your ears wide open to see what’s also being communicated.

What you did was turn the conversation round to you rather than listening to what they wanted to tell you.

I’ve got this thing. Well I already know about it (shut up)! That’s just as rude frankly. You’re not actively listening. What’s not being said is I’ve got something to tell you and I want you to be respectful enough to treat me as if I matter and what I’m saying matters. I don’t want to be shut down. If you must ask a question, let it build on what I’m saying rather than turn the subject round to yourself and what you think about the topic I’ve raised with you.

I’ve got this thing.

Oh yes, I do too, where did you get yours?

Oh, I got mine elsewhere, how are you finding the thing?

So you’re pleased with it? Me too, now I’m going to talk about another thing. What do you think about this thing I’ve got?

What you’re doing is called Trumping. Some Trumpers “Elevenerife” others too…you’ve been to Tenerife so they’ve been to… you broke your finger, they broke every bone in their body etc.

Learning to listen has it’s perks 😉

My BIL is like this, I just listen now, absolutely no two way conversation is possible, funny thing is his wife my SIL is the same and I often think to myself how I would love to be a fly on the wall in their house and see how they actually communicate with each other it must be hilarious.i

Regardless of the causes, I'd say if conversation makes you uncomfortable its definitely not your duty to sit through it to be polite.

Being in an environment where you are ignored, spoken over or verbally patronised isn't normal or pleasant whoever is doing it.

Especially if you're solo and two people are doing it "at" you. Its dehumanising.

If you "play along" you enable it and they get even more entrenched in their rigid mental model.

Even if its a laugh at first and you feel compassion for them for being so awkward, you eventually end up belittling yourself and screwing up your own peace and social confidence (and resenting them).

And they get even more conversationally domineering and detached from reality.

Maybe you could reduce the visits to dropping a present off, cup of tea standing up, then breeze out.

Say in advance you can't stay for long.

Act like a friendly tradesperson and have a few stock phrases which you repeat in a loud voice. Its not like you're listened to, so just take charge of the physical side of the visit.

Keep your coat on. Don't sit down or get stuck on the sofa.

(Who knows, maybe they get so anxious over visitors they prefer shorter visits too?)

And that's a classic right there ❤️

Some people are bad listeners. Hopefully you can find ways to get along.

My dad does this. Last time he was at mine he decided to spend about half an hour painfully slowly explaining how a thermostat worked. A few minutes in I tried to point out that, as it happened, I was familiar with them, what with being 41 years old and having lived in numerous houses all equipped with this remarkable piece of kind. Absolutely nothing doing. On and on and on. Then he repeated himself carefully, in case I hadn't understood. I made the mistake of trying to cut him short again by telling him yes, I really did know all of this. So he got offended and started again at the beginning, because clearly I didn't know.

Later on he and my mum informed me how upset they were I wasn't more grateful for their help.

He's always been a bit like this but it's especially bad with anything practical (drains, boilers, cars, whatever). He hasn't got a practical bone in his body so he always assumes they are massively complicated and I must be far too thick to understand. To add insult to injury, he's quite sure both my brothers are experts, so if it suits him he'll explain 'ah, and your older brother has told me that your problem is x, y or z, and ...' even if my brother hasn't been near my house in months and has no interest whatsoever in diagnosing any issues with its workings.

It makes me want to scream.

My Mum used to do what the OP does. As a child. I’d try to tell her about something but she already knew it and, being older, always knew more about it than me, and then told me about that additional stuff she knew and I didn’t thinking I’d be interested, but really I wanted to tell her what I’d found out and for her to listen and be interested. I didn’t want my conversation to be instantly hijacked and made about what she knew instead.

So next time, if someone’s telling you something you already know, expand the conversation rather than shutting it down because you know more (OP said she’d bought that magnetic toy months before them - trumping and shutting them down and immediately moving their conversation to her). There was no attempt to continue a mutual conversation, everything OP said shut them down and hijacked the subject.

We’ve all had a conversation where you say something like “I saw a great film yesterday” and rather than ask about it, the person says “Me too, I saw a film last night about aliens staring blah, blah, blah” thinking they’re finding common ground with you but in reality being quite disrespectful.

It's my Dad, these days if he repeats a story I just pretend. I used to say yes I remember you told me but he would blank and continue anyway. Even if it was the first time he would explain things I already knew, just like OP describes. I've accepted it but I find conversations really draining and often put it off if I'm tired.

What particularly pissed me off for years was his interest in a TV show and industry that was linked to my job at the time. Say for example he was obsessed with Grand Designs and I was an architect. He would start to tell me about the TV show or local building works and I'd try to say that im working on exactly the same thing at work but he would ignore and keep going. It was especially upsetting in reverse, if something interesting happened at work and I'd try to tell him or the group but he would interject and take over telling everyone about the version he saw on TV.

I play monologue bingo with my dad. There are limited topics he usually goes on about, but a top 3 favourite and sometimes I am nodding along mentally counting or wondering how he will get to them. I also sometimes count how long it takes him to get from obsession topic A to B. It's actually remarkable how he can link completely unrelated things in a short space of time.

I don't think OP sounds like she's 'trumping'. She's not saying 'yes we have that toy and ours is bigger/ better/ whatever.

I think she sounds like she's matching, doing the 'me too' thing which builds accord.

with the Elevenerife example, if they said they'd been to tenerife, she's saying 'oh same, isn't it nice?

And they're saying 'See, Tenerife is this island off the coast of Africa...

Yes it's good to listen, but a conversation has to be give and take. They don't sound like they're listening to her at all, asking any questions etc. If you're being boring AF you can't expect people to lavish you with listening skills (except if you're 5, or have cognitive difficulties etc).

You're possibly going to be in for a bit of a shock as he grows. Not everything is mask-able in all people. AuDHD isn't just some quirk, one that can be damped down and hidden so the person can get through life "passing" as a NT person.

2pence you can't even read. Your example isn't at all what the OP is doing. She's trying to move the conversation on, they're insisting on telling her things she already knows. It's them who's not listening.

Respect goes both ways. They should treat her like she matters and actively listen to her too. When she says she already knows about the thing, that's their cue to stop explaining how it works as if she doesn't know. OPs willing to have a conversation with them, just not one where she's being told about something she already knows about, as if she's never seen it before. She doesn't owe them a particular kind of conversation and if she doesn't want to listen to them boring on, that's fine.

If they don't want to have a mutual conversation, ie one where they need to listen in response to what they've said and adapt to that response, but instead want to talk at someone, then they can expect to become socially isolated as more and more people choose not to talk to them.

We all have free will. Just because someone wished to impart some information it doesn't mean they have a right to try to force the other person to listen to it when they clearly don't want to.

Because in their head they have a preset way the conversation will go and they probably do the same to others. They aren’t speaking to exchange information but rather rattle off the script in their heads

Another amazing conversationalist here I see. “You can’t even read”…really?

OP is shutting the conversation down. Imagine if everything you said to someone was met with “I know” building to “I knew months before you”. Frustrating, no?

”I know” is the hijack.

”I knew before you” is the trumping elevenerife part.

Nothing wrong with telling someone you know about what they mentioned, but you don’t need to shut the conversation down or take it over. Instead you can build the conversation, ask their opinion, use your emotional intelligence to recognise that this is something they want to share with you…even if you do think you already know everything on that subject. It’s polite to not just turn the conversation immediately round to yourself and what you know and try to trump them.

Maybe OPs BIL/SIL recognise that OP always switches the subject of the conversation to herself. Perhaps this is why they stubbornly refuse to allow it? Or perhaps they are poor communicators too. OP asked how to handle a conversation like that, I gave an answer. You don’t have to agree but don’t assume my answer is wrong because you don’t understand it.

@JoyOfSpecs,I so know someone like this, they're everywhere! They're a great friend but I avoid talking about movies at all costs because they just go on and on and on, and it's sci fi as well. I sense a 'hold my wine' day sometime soon where I won't be able to help it and just be like WHISTLE!!! 😂😂😂

I would do the same to them, going on about something normal to make a point about their monologues, so the conversation goes something like:

Me: I had an amazing drink today, it's called tea.
SIL: Tea? Normal tea?
Me: Yes, it was incredible. I dipped the teabag in and let it brew for a couple of minutes, and then I stirred it. I got a teaspoon after that and took the tea bag out.
SIL: But...
Me: You would never guess what I did next, I got milk! Milk from the fridge! I poured it in and the tea changed colour....

Maybe they will get the hint?

Agree with this. It had the potential to be a time to compare the different things that they and their kids had made with the tiles and exchange ideas and come up with new ones together. This can't happen if one party insists on sticking to a script rather and ignoring the other person rather than being open to a real conversation about a topic.

Realistically this approach might be cute when talking to a 5 year old that's just discovered Paw Patrol and is all excited. In adults it's more difficult.

and potentially it could have been exactly this, but the first thing OP did was shut them down with “I know”.

My BIL does this with anything, really. He tried for years to introduce me to investing. He wouldn't listen when I said I'd had investments my whole life and was taught my whole life by DF. (Turns out he pays one of those 'gurus' to tell him what to buy.....) He'll bang on about travel (done a lot more than he has, and a lot more adventurous). And technology, everything he can think of.

Tbh he just thinks their rich, smart, city people and we're stupid country bumpkins that need teaching. I just move away from him when he starts, or say yes, I know.... and change the subject!!

I thought the first thing she did was say that her child had them too, this was completely ignored by her SIL who kept talking over her without listening. The "I know" only came later when the SIL kept on monologuing at her. If SIL had bothered listening she'd have known that an explanation of how the tiles worked wasn't needed.

I any case with the way SIL was talking whatever OP said became irrelevant. OP could have said that she's having an affair with the milkman and SIL may not have even broken from the script.

Sounds like a plan. I'd be hoping for dark chocolate digestives.

I used to have a colleague like that. It never seemed to occur to her that the reason I didn't watch soaps is that I have zero interest soaps and didn't require a re-cap of the previous nights episodes.

Her: Did you see River City last night.
Me: No, I don't watch it.
Her: So, you know Big Kev?
Me: No, I don't watch it.
Her, Well, he's this shady character and he's married to Maggie who works in the pub but he's having an affair with Effie at the laundrette and last night Maggie found out and........
Me: Oh, OK.

I think I eventually said something along the lines of I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with a teaspoon than watch River City. She wasn't offended as we knew each other pretty well by then but she did dial it back a bit after that.

My FIL (who is generally lovely) did this over Christmas. My son & his girlfriend were there too.
I have 2 autistic DC, (yes, FIL's GC) son's girlfriend volunteers in a disabled children's respite centre where there are several autistic children, and my son worked for two years for an autism respite centre.
The conversation went
FIL- BIL's new girlfriend has a son, he's got autism.
Us : Oh yes, we heard.
FIL - What that means is, he doesn't like bright lights, or sudden noises, or new people...
He went on to mansplain autism to us as if he'd never heard of it before, for about half an hour. We were all