Struggling with dating due to appearance

[thrwawayx]

Can anyone relate to worrying their appearance is hindering chances of finding love? I’m 30, never been in a relationship, not even that experienced with physical intimacy (Ive kissed more women and gay men platonically). I don’t think a straight guy has ever been attracted or interested in me tbh. Only drunk older men (20+ years older) have approached me

When I was younger I dreamed of starting a family but seems impossible if I can’t meet someone willing to commit to a third date. I worked hard to buy my home but ended up feeling antimclimatic as there’s no one to come home to

I’m physically in shape, active, make an effort with style and grooming but I’ve always had an unattractive face. I’m very social, have hobbies, and luckily found it easy to make new adult friends from scratch when relocating.

I’m on the dating apps, but if I match with someone it’s unlikely they will reply to my message. Then out of those who do reply it’s an even smaller % who actually meet me for a date. The rare dates I do get never go anywhere, either never hear anything after first date or the guy will agree for another date but then not follow through/ghost.
Even when conversation flows well on dates, never ends in a kiss which makes me think they’re simply not attracted to me.
I don’t think men care much about this but I’m also educated and have a pretty standard corporate job (work is not my whole personality though!)

I don’t think my standards are too high. I’m not picky about appearance but would prefer if at least 5ft6, and don’t really care what someone does for work (my last date was unemployed).

What do you think is so unattractive about your face? You sound like you have lots of great qualities and shouldn’t be finding it that difficult to find someone you like.

Big nose which looks masculine, deep set eyes and the rest of my features are pretty average. It’s hard to explain but I think I lack overall facial harmony. Of course there are many with big noses who are still attractive but they tend to have better harmony

I find it hard to imagine someone ever ‘picking’ to be with me for my looks

Whenever I see pictures taken with friends after nights out, I feel I look the odd one out. My friends are all attractive in different ways

Nose jobs are pretty straight forward

I thought men would go for your body? I’d love to help but can’t think what to say .

I’m sure you look a lot better than you think but maybe your lack of confidence in your appearance comes across on your dates? Also, you might seem a bit desperate as you don’t seem to have any standards about the looks or profession of the men involved.
It might be easier to focus on your hobbies and get to know men through those.

Funny you say that because I really don’t think they’re straight forward for everyone.

I went to a few consultations with surgeons, thoroughly researched medical literature and joined many surgery forums and fb groups for rhinoplasty. It’s more complex for my type of nose and skin, and I was grateful the surgeons were honest about the limitations in my case

Decided not to go through with it because of risks in my case

Our nose is such a huge part of how we look. Disguises are often just a fake nose as it changes the overall facial appearance so much. Just look at the Dirty Dancing actress Jennifer Grey. She looks so different since her nose job. And look at Scarlet Johannson too.

Perhaps research getting a nose job. I'm sure there are AI applications that can show you how you'd look with various types of nose.

It’s not ‘bad’ but my body isn’t anything special haha. I’m slim but then that includes small bust and narrow hips

Regardless of what you think re harmony and nose etc, I am sure you are beautiful when you smile and please tell yourself that beauty radiates from within, because it does. If you are a good person, happy and kind, then you are beautiful. I would take steps to do as much good to others in your life, ie charity volunteering etc and you may be surprised what comes back to you. I have also met many more people through hobbies eg walking / hiking meet up groups than through apps which are inherently completely shallow when based on swiping through images. Just the opposite of what you or anyone needs, so better to invest your time making real connections which go beyond surface level. Take steps to train yourself not to think you are unattractive, because confidence is also important

You shouldnt have to alter your appearance but if you really want a nose job and it' s extra complicated for your type of nose, have you ever considered a nose job with a top surgeon in US ? It would probably cost a fortune but I think they csn pretty much make anyone' s nose look better.

Plenty of women with "objectively unattractive" faces are with decent loving partners starting families.

I wonder if you'd be better off being more rather than less picky? What made you think someone unemployed was a suitable match for you?

You're corporate and successful and well-educated with good social skills.

There are definitely men who only want to meet women with those qualities.

Its more unusual in my experience to see corporate guys marrying a glamourous shop assistant than with a woman the same professional job status as them.

Its important they have a partner who fits in with their university friends and has comparable earning power.

Dating apps have a lot of weirdos and timewasters for everyone but they can be useful.

For photos, I'd select nice clear natural ones which are as accurate and recent as possible and in similar dress to what you normally wear. Don't wear make-up or take from different angles to minimise your features.

A lot of people are specifically attracted to certain strong features, if you try to minimise them you'll screen out genuine admirers.

I'd ABSOLUTELY highlight your education levels, achievements, and if having a serious relationship, children and a family is the goal.

A lot of men want an intelligent woman to be the mother of their children and will be at the same stage as you so you want to attract those who want the same thing and can move quickly.

They look for a good education, goal-orientated, someone who will fit in with their own professional background.

They're too busy with work to do endless dating so you want the signal to be clear.

Majority of "active users" on dating sites - the guys who message everyone (or the guys who actively chase after women in person) are weird or desperate or looking for women 20 years younger.

Its absolutely nothing to do with your looks or attractiveness.

Everyone gets approached by these guys so just block or delete them as soon as you see they're dodgy.

I think I lack overall facial harmony.

Go to a really good hair stylist. This is exactly what they're good for! A talented stylist will 'see' the harmonies in your face and know how to frame it so that everyone else sees them, too.

Be prepared for it to cost (far less than a nose job, though!) You'll probably need a colour treatment to fully realise the effects. Tell the stylist what you think the problem is, let him talk it through with you.

Avoid anyone who asks what you had in mind.

Yep I’ve been there. I’m 35 and only met my partner 2 years ago. Before that I was single for about 5 years and on and off online dating. I have a big nose , acne prone skin and my face isn’t symmetrical due to tmj in my jaw. I felt ugly and depressed when guys didn’t message me back etc. not every first date has to end in a kiss though sod that too much effort . Are you filtering your pictures and look different in real life? It can also be a confidence thing as believe me with low confidence you’ll show it . Go for guys you wouldn’t normally is my advice. I always went for a certain look and my partner is nothing like that luckily . I also found what worked for me was making a none negotiables list of what I wanted and wouldn’t accept.

Dear@thrwawayx I feel for you....it's the tyranny of the big birthday ending in zero. The sense of there being a deadline by which 'stuff' should have happened. It happens when it happens - often when you're least expecting it.

I'm twice your age. I'd really like to say there's a time when we stop being anxious about our looks but that's yet to happen for me. I still feel overshadowed by some friends but I know I have other qualities that people value and yes find attractive.

Reread and take to heart everything @NET145 wrote. Very wise comments💐

Thank you, I actually tried a new hair stylist a few weeks ago and she did a great job giving the most life and movement to my flat thin hair. Best cut I’ve had and I’m lucky I have no damage

I’m happy with my wardrobe too, as by mid twenties I stopped blindly following trends and focus on more flattering quality pieces too.

I wouldn’t expect every date to end with a kiss, it depends on time/mood.
I don’t use filters on any of my pictures, I think they look a bit cringe to use. I’ve had friends review my dating profile and they think the pictures are good and accurately show how I look irl. I have some pics in more dressed up context but then also some pics in a natural setting

I’d like to think I’m quite open minded about the type of guy I go for. Although as a taller than avg woman (5ft7) I confess I have a preference for men at least 5ft6. Other than that I will swipe on variety of men who look very different, diff backgrounds, etc

I’m 5’7 too so it’s not that. Definitely work on your self esteem and confidence first if it’s not your profile or pictures etc. oh and nothing wrong with wanting a taller man. I’m 5’7 and wouldn’t have dated anyone below 5’10 . That was my minimum height on my profile and call me picky but it mattered to me

Honestly, you sound like a catch OP and it is a real shame that you can’t see that yourself. I wonder if some therapy would help you to get a more realistic view of your appearance?

I am sure you are perfectly lovely @thrwawayx. I have mentioned this on other threads but you need to throw money at the online thing. Is it possible for you to sign up to an expensive online dating site for professionals ? People on those sort of sites are probably more serious about having a relationship. I don’t really know about the dating apps but assume they are free to go on? They probably attract a lot of chancers. You certainly shouldn’t be dating unemployed men.

Learn to act as if you’ve never thought about your looks & play up your friendliness, curiosity, giving affection etc. focus on posture, tone of voice, warm smile with your eyes, clothes that flatter your figure etc. Don’t chase or come across as needy etc. etc. Attractiveness & looks are not the same. Act as if you’ve never doubted your attractiveness & they’ll see the beauty in you.

They cost like 10k don't they? It's major surgery. And it might be more than one they say you need. Well obviously cosmetic surgeon will always tell you you 'need' various things to look 'symmetrical'.

Honestly, everyone is attractive to someone. What are your interests? Can you meet someone in real life? I know that is hard, but if you focus more on what you are like, than what you look like, that is really attractive.

You sound lovely. Dont put yourself down!

I think you probably look fine. It’s your insecurities which let you down. Try to not focus so much on dating and plan other stuff to connect to yourself as a physical being, such as dancing, massage, anything where you have to touch yourself or be touched.

Honestly, it’ll be your confidence.
I have never received more attention than when I’ve been single and happy and free 😂 bouncing around loving life and a man can smell it a mile off and then hop along to ruin it 😂

What kind of dates are you going on?
Could you do something fun where they’ll see you relaxed and laughing?
You sound lovely!