Struggling with dating due to appearance

[thrwawayx]

Can anyone relate to worrying their appearance is hindering chances of finding love? I’m 30, never been in a relationship, not even that experienced with physical intimacy (Ive kissed more women and gay men platonically). I don’t think a straight guy has ever been attracted or interested in me tbh. Only drunk older men (20+ years older) have approached me

When I was younger I dreamed of starting a family but seems impossible if I can’t meet someone willing to commit to a third date. I worked hard to buy my home but ended up feeling antimclimatic as there’s no one to come home to

I’m physically in shape, active, make an effort with style and grooming but I’ve always had an unattractive face. I’m very social, have hobbies, and luckily found it easy to make new adult friends from scratch when relocating.

I’m on the dating apps, but if I match with someone it’s unlikely they will reply to my message. Then out of those who do reply it’s an even smaller % who actually meet me for a date. The rare dates I do get never go anywhere, either never hear anything after first date or the guy will agree for another date but then not follow through/ghost.
Even when conversation flows well on dates, never ends in a kiss which makes me think they’re simply not attracted to me.
I don’t think men care much about this but I’m also educated and have a pretty standard corporate job (work is not my whole personality though!)

I don’t think my standards are too high. I’m not picky about appearance but would prefer if at least 5ft6, and don’t really care what someone does for work (my last date was unemployed).

I can’t believe at least three posters have suggested a nose job 😕 I think that’s really sad and shallow. I know people with big/not particularly attractive noses who have loving partners. A great many people have physical ‘flaws’ that aren’t seen as conventionally attractive (obesity, strange body shapes, large birthmarks, disfigurements etc). I’m no beauty myself (mannish shape, horrible boobs, small eyes, acne scarring, wonky teeth and lots of fillings 😂) but have had enough interest from men over the years.

Obviously if the OP wants cosmetic surgery, that’s her business but it’s not the impression I’m getting from her posts.

I hope you meet someone lovely OP, you sound like a catch.

Agree with all this. Certainly setting your bar too low doesn’t mean the guys will be more likely to behave well or be the one for you- IME unattractive men are just as likely to be time wasters as attractive ones. I’d suggest being more picky and less apologetic about yourself. You sound like a catch!

Your App experience sounds identical to that of a lot of my friends who would be regarded as conventionally attractive. I don’t think it’s your looks. You sound great - I think you should try to meet a partner in the wild. I know that’s easier said than done but you have to put yourself out there - widen your circles, accept every invitation to go out or to attend work focussed conferences etc. Obviously only go out if it’s your thing or if the work stuff is truly beneficial but the more people you meet in a year the more likely you are to meet someone you connect with. It really is a numbers game (which I had to remind myself of when I got in a slump of staying in and not really meeting anyone new).

Some people are just unlucky OP. It’s not always about looks. I have two gorgeous friends and one only got her fist partner at 32 and the other is still single at 34. They’re good people too and successful. There are less good looking people in couples on every street corner.

Love is a gamble. It doesn’t happen for everyone.

I don’t think this is because of your appearance, sorry. I am not at all classically attractive. Not great skin, never been thin, I’m tall, but in a bigger than a lot of men not Cindy Crawford supermodel sort of way. I have only ever taken passing interest in my appearance, don’t wear makeup, whack my hair in a messy bun and go. I have not had trouble going on dates or having long term relationships since I started dating mid teens. Met Dh and got married late 20s.

I think it’s a confidence thing and a connection thing. Men will be put off if you talk about yourself the way you have here. There is truly someone for everyone. And you have to be able to relate to and connect with people. There will be a man who finds you sexy as hell, but you have to not put him off before you get that far.

Thanks for the kind comments, appreciate it may be an unpopular but I still don’t think having confidence will make me attractive when I look this bad.

Just reflecting on my experience, when you’re unattractive it’s not just the lack of romantic attention, you can also get treated like you’re less valuable than ‘normal’ people. The average man may even be annoyed or sometimes even disgusted at my existence. Today I was walking to grab a coffee in the morning and had passed two construction workers, one made a joke about my appearance and they both laughed. I’ve been lucky that this kind of thing hasn’t happened in a while but sadly I’ve had plenty of similar experiences before with strangers, not that rare for me. I don’t have unusual or offensive style that makes me stand out either, it’s literally just my face

I live in a big city too which is very diverse, but still feel like a different species compared to women my age

I would love to meet a partner in the wild and have tried that for years but it hasn’t worked for me. I love going to house parties even when it’s just a mutual friend/acquaintance hosting as it’s always fun to socialise in large group and meet new people. I live in a fun city and I’d like to think I have a pretty wide social circle anyway. Already have some trips and festivals booked with friends, and wedding invitations this year

I’ve gone solo travelling and solo raving too, found it fairly easy to socialise with people whilst doing so (including men) but none of them are ever attracted to me it’s just platonic.

I work in a male dominated industry, and regularly attend a fitness class which has a good balance of men/women.

I genuinely don’t think you’re unattractive OP and I know I haven’t seen you, but here’s the thing everyone is attractive to someone and it’s not just about conventional good looks, it is about personality, humour and how your face lights up when you smile - as corny as that sounds.
Why do you think you’re unattractive? You’re being very critical of your face, but that’s not how everyone else sees you? Has someone told you that you’re not attractive? Because, even if they have that’s a shitty thing to do and it won’t be true, however things like that can stick with you.
What do your friends say?
What are your interests? Are there clubs or groups you can join and maybe meet more people in RL?
I don’t believe women need to wear makeup at all, but if you do feel a bit self conscious you could look at some online makeup tutorials and have a bit of an experiment, but only if that’s something you would enjoy and you feel would give you a bit of a confidence boost.

Thank you for your kind comment

Well I think I lack facial harmony, no redeeming features and since getting older I have fine lines under my eyes and thinner hair. (I now use minoxidil, retinal, eat well and drink less to help with this!) My nose is similar to Mia Khalifa’s before her rhinoplasty, but her eyes and smile have always been very pretty so having a big nose didn’t matter as much.

I have been mocked for my appearance before too, mostly when I was in school by some of the boys, but even as an adult some strangers have treated me differently or mocked my appearance

I don’t think it is your looks. People of all attractiveness have partners. I know many v attractive women without them. I think you need to try to put those doubts to one side.

My friends will say it’s not my looks but then I find women can be far too kind and open minded about physical appearance, whereas men are blunter.

I really like music (go to many gigs, dj sets, festivals), fitness classes, the theatre, and travelling. I am lucky to live in a big city where I have a good social circle and regularly socialise which includes meeting new people.
I do like to wear makeup, I feel much more confident with my hair done and neutral makeup on!

I rarely see women as unattractive as me with partners tbh… otherwise I’d agree that people of different attractiveness have partners.

I also have very attractive friends who are single too but I don’t think it’s quite the same situation. It’s not just that I’m single, I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who is attracted to me let alone willing to commit to a relationship

You say you’re active? Is it just the gym, or do you do anything like climbing, hiking, trail running; any watersports?

You’re more likely to meet someone in rl who finds you attractive because your face will be animated. Enthusiasm and joy are extremely beautifying!

OP, I really doubt you’re as unattractive as you think - us women have so many useful things at our disposal (make up, hair, tweakments, great clothes) that you rarely see a woman who looks bad?

You sound great - very self aware, successful and interesting.

So I'll go against the grain here and say it may be your looks which are the reason you're not getting interest. However, there are many many men in the same situation. Have you friends or colleagues who can vouch for you and set you up on dates with their friends? That's how some people I know have found partners. Online dating is just brutal..

Ive a face like a slapped arse all my life , worse when I was carrying too much weight. Broken cheek and orbital bone as a child - totally lopsided, then I have astigmatism so have needed glasses most of my life

But I have never had trouble with dating

I had self belief. I went out and was me. I didnt go out for men, I went out for me I picked and chose.

I think if you are out looking a man, it shows , and it's never going to happen. Go out for you, enjoy yourself , be friendly, approachable , but not a bloody walk over

Looks mean sod all tbh. I seriously have a face only a mother would love , yet I was never short of company..

Funnily enough , DH also has a face only a mother would love ( actually hes quite handsome , just not a traditional handsome ) but we have something that's deeper then looks, Yet it was looks that we first saw

OP I’m sorry that people have said cruel things about your looks - particularly when you were a child. Children can be really hurtful and that can stick with us and taint how we see ourselves. You sound lovely and you are still young - there’s definitely time for relationships to form.
I agree with PP about maybe getting friends to introduce you to people because a lot of attraction comes from getting to know someone, forming connections and feelings coming from there. Wishing you luck and happiness-you sound lovely 😊