How to avoid black sheep/golden child dynamic

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I have three kids age 6, 4 and 1. My eldest has always been easy, very rarely had tantrums, sure she sometimes acts out but when she does it's for understandable reasons. I only have to tell her something once or twice and she listens to me. My youngest is too young to really tell but she is generally pretty calm and easy going.

But my middle (and only son) oh my goodness. He's not even that bad behaviour wise but the contrast with his sisters is so stark. He's extremely highly strung and he often just wants to have a tantrum so whatever you do he will kick off. Like in the mornings if I wake him up he has a tantrum because he doesn't want to wake up but if I don't wake him up he has a tantrum because he wanted to join us on the school run. Or talking about upcoming events (we celebrate Chinese new year) I'll say something like "what will you spend your CNY money on" or just make a general comment about how he's going to get some money and he'll just repeat "I'm not getting money. There's not going to be any" and he'll kick off and sulk about that. And he never listens to me - I feel like a broken record constantly telling him not to mess with things, please play with your own things. He will just ignore his toys and take random stuff from drawers or shelves. Or like yesterday I came home with some new clothes and put them very briefly on the table. I turned my back for a second and he'd immediately picked them up and would have thrown them all over the place if I hadn't shouted at him. I don't like shouting at him but he doesn't listen if I don't. But then when I do shout he gets upset and then I feel bad. It's such a negative loop and I don't know how to break it.

I try really hard to treat all my kids the same but it's so difficult because I don't feel like I can give DS an inch without him taking a mile whereas DD1 can be given a mile and she'll take an inch. I'm very conscious of a black sheep/golden child dynamic developing, especially as DS is getting older. I've never said the words "why can't you be more like your sister" but it's something that I find myself thinking regularly. She is by no means perfect and he is lovely and kind and generous but he is so much harder to parent.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Just wondering if anyone can relate or has any suggestions. He gets plenty of one on one time with me as I am a SAHM. But whatever I give it never seems to be enough.

Girls being calmer and more controlled than boys at a young age isn't exactly unusual - yet most boys mature and calm down eventually. Equally, girls can go through a whole lot more complexities during their teen years, so personally the first thing I would do is to not presume that the dynamic of two easy and one hard will always remain. I wouldn't be shocked if you jump 10 years into the future, and you are finding your 14 year old boy easier than your 16 year old girl. Don't expect him to be a girl though - and embrace his energy and boyish nature. Boys don't all end up as failures and messes, and in fact the same endless energy, boundary pushing, risk taking, stubbornness that young boys often have, can become strengths later in life.

Even if not, the other things I would personally do is to not start labelling in front of them. Once one is "trouble" or "the naughty one" etc. it becomes a self reinforcing cycle where they take on more and more of that identify and in turn act out more etc.

I would also make sure that they all 3 of them know that they are a team and families succeed by working together. When one does well, the whole family does well etc. In my experience, families that do this end up with siblings who root for each other and remain close.. whereas families who pit siblings against each other by introducing competition... "look what your sister has done!"... "Wow your sister's grades are great! Pressure on you in 2 years!" end up with resentful competitive siblings that are much more likely to fall into the golden-child/rebellious child dynamics because one will always come out on top, and the other will need to find ways of coping.

The last thing I would do is to make sure that they have distinct and non-overlapping passions. Of course they are too young for this now, but encouraging them to explore as many interests as possible, and while you cannot force them to do or not do things, I would be hoping and encouraging them into different areas. You don't want to restrict them to being "she is the academic one, he is the musical one, she is the sporty one" but if they do have things they can be uniquely proud and "the best at" it again removes that overall golden-child/black-sheep idea.

Thank you for that @lxn889121 , it's a really helpful message. I think you're right that he's just a boy. I guess I grew up being told boys and girls were identical so now I'm quite surprised to find out that's not the case. DS's refusal to be told he is unable to do something will definitely stand him in good stead in the future!

I think I also feel stressed about this because my mum has one brother (and two sisters) and her brother is very dysfunctional. And I have one brother and two sisters and my brother is also very dysfunctional.

If you're eldest never went through drawers and played with random stuff or investigated then I'd be more worried about her being too calm!

4yo sounds like a 4yo, just try to be calm and consistent and not overcomplicated things.

What a completely stereotypical and generalising view. I have boys - both calm, lovely and amazing. Their whole lives. It’s too easy to say that boys are just like that - no they really aren’t.

You saying this is a boy thing isn’t addressing the need for firmer boundaries and consequences based on his personality and not gender.

I don't think it's necessarily a girl-boy thing. My older two (one of each) were generally pretty straightforward, while the third (girl) came hard-wired with a completely different operating system. I had to learn the slow way how to de-escalate, how to anticipate and head off potential points of conflict and how to accept that some children need different handling - they don't experience the world in the same way as more conventionally-wired children, and hence they don't react to it in the same way either.

I learnt to reframe what looks like defiance as a memory issue - 'we said we were going to do XYZ, do you think you can remember that?'. Try not to overload memory or processing capacity with things that involve multiple steps or delayed gratification - one thing at a time is likely to work better. Anticipate the things that are going cause undesirable behaviour and pre-empt it by involving the child in something useful, or offering false choices - 'Do you want the red towel or the blue towel?' if you know that saying 'right, it's time to get out of the bath now' is going to cause a problem.

I also learnt that that some children really need to have the logical steps of decision-making broken down for them in order to be able to integrate it. I spent a lot of time saying things like:
'Explain to me what's happening here.
What do you think will happen if you carry on doing that?
Is that what you want to happen?
What do you think you could do differently?'

Try and avoid raised voices and shouting - it is hard, but if you can't manage your own emotions you're not modelling what you want the child to do. Also try and avoid saying, 'Don't do X' - IME that reinforces the child's focus on whatever X is and you've handed them a conflict on a plate. Introducing an alternative idea can be more effective - eg. 'Please put the stick down' (multiple repetitions if necessary, but keep it calm) rather than 'stop hitting your brother'.

When you can see they're about to lose the plot avoid upping the ante. You can take the wind out of their sails by framing it as them needing support rather than confrontation (which they do). It's hard to be a small angry child with limited communication and emotional regulation skills in a world full of bigger more powerful people who don't understand your needs. Offering a hug when you can see an incipient meltdown is surprisingly effective. I used to say, 'Does it feel like nobody understands you?', which generally led to the child coming in for a hug and at least trying to explain what was happening for them.

It is tough, and you will have lapses where they push your buttons to the point that you lose your cool. Our confrontational period with dd lasted from age about 12 months to 8 or 9, and yes there was some of what would now be called neurodiversity involved. But the more you can learn to see the behaviour from the child's point of view, the more likely you are to be able to avoid creating a good child-bad child dynamic in your family, which will be unpleasant in the short terms but will cause bigger problems in the longer term.

Girls are more mature and controlled because we usually expect that of them

middle children often struggle , feel left out - I’d look into that if I was you

@PollyPhonic thanks, that is helpful. Especially the reframing it as a memory rather than listening issue and talking out what he thinks is going to happen. He will always have a very good answer for what he thinks will happen though. Tbh I need to reset myself a bit as some of the things he does that wind me up they're really not that bad it's just the frequency with which he does it.

@itsthetea yes, I do wonder how much him being the middle plays into it. He has always been like this though, from well before the youngest was born.

@RabbitsEatPancakes not to say that she never did but she had/has respect for boundaries and distraction/gentle parenting worked well. I do also worry about that too though haha, she's a people pleaser and internalises her emotions. But that's a much more familiar problem to me than DS's extroversion.

thanks, that is helpful. Especially the reframing it as a memory rather than listening issue and talking out what he thinks is going to happen. He will always have a very good answer for what he thinks will happen though. Tbh I need to reset myself a bit as some of the things he does that wind me up they're really not that bad it's just the frequency with which he does it.

Really the aim is to avoid giving them a fight as much as you possibly can, regardless of whether they want a verbal argument or whether it's more of a meltdown situation. This will be useful in the teenage years as well, as teenagers will out-argue you to kingdom come and back again if you let them - kids of all ages have much more time and energy to devote to this than you do! In the situation where dd was answering back or deflecting, I used to find myself saying, 'I"m not asking for your opinion at this point, I'm telling you.' Once you can dial down your own anger and frustration, and get a sense of how they're pulling you into confrontation, you can start to find ways to take a little side-step that diverts the conflict before it can get properly underway. That saves everybody's nerves, and also prevents those confrontational patterns of interaction from becoming so embedded in your family dynamic that it becomes impossible to find a way out.

I’m pregnant with my third and this is what I’m dreading 😂 everyone I’ve asked who has a boy (I have two girls) they’ve said their boys are harder to parent/they’re needier/more difficult.
My girls are dreams, not perfect, just so easy to parent and correct/guide.

My eldest needs more guidance as I suspect undiagnosed ADHD and she’s always in La La land but has very rarely had a tantrum. My youngest doesn’t cry, she just “weh” if she’s hungry and that’s as much noise as she makes (other than the happy squealy noises).

Are boys just “big babies”? Is this where big baby men come from 😂

On average boys and girls are different. This doesn’t mean always or necessarily in your case, but it’s helpful to understand. In my experience, the difference that creates the biggest parenting challenge is that girls often have a greater desire to please. If you have boys and girls, the girls may be more compliant and it makes you wonder why your boy is so ‘difficult’.

You will avoid making him into a black sheep if you can avoid typecasting him, even in your mind. The narrative has to be that he needs support with expressing himself/clear boundaries/lots of exercise, rather than he is difficult.

I have one like this and I have to be careful both ways. Firstly not to label one kid as the ‘naughty’ one, but also not to let him off the hook too much because it’s hard work getting him to do stuff. It’s so easy to put all the expectations (of doing chores or homework) on the compliant children because it’s easy for you - you know they’ll go along with it.

He’s only small remember, he’ll probably be completely different in a couple of years.

@Frillybutsilly I know this problem well as I was the easy and compliant child who cleaned the house, cooked dinner and did the washing up whilst my younger siblings occasionally wafted a tea towel around! It's a tough one to balance.

@PollyPhonic thank you so much. The comment about wanting to avoid embedding patterns of family conflict is so relevant, that's what I'm worried about happening. I found having a script with DD1 super helpful so I will take some of your suggestions for that and keep them handy for when I feel myself getting wound up.

I found the complete opposite. My boys were and still are so laid back and chilled. Girl was a whirlwind. Always a drama, tantrummed, pushed the boundaries. I aged a lot.

I hate it when boys are stereotyped. I have 5 children and they all have different personalities .

1 Boy calm as a child, struggled with relationships/friendships at secondary school
2 Girl, strong willed, walked at 10 months refused any form of pushchair after that. Still strong willed, very funny but volatile.
3 Boy, calm beautiful boy. Gentle but daydreams so you have to ask him to do tasks many times.
4 Boy twin 1, calm beautiful boy but more strong willed than boy 3.
5 girl twin 2, born fighter voted by the family as ‘most likely to go to prison’ 😂 (joke)

all my children are different. I think birth order, how many you have and the age difference between them impacts the most, it’s not that he’s a boy.

Oh this gives me hope if I end up having a boy!
Though I think I’m the dramatic female in our house 😂

Just don’t plant them off against each other. Black sheep/golden child dynamic really happens when a narcissistic parent plays their children off against one another in order to exert control.

Beyond that, in a more general way of speaking, just don’t compare them to each other and have consistent standards

Although her being more difficult could be down to being the third child. In which case you're done for haha.

Don’t put them in a box. They are so tiny.
my oldest was my easy one until he hit teens. Then my middle, who was a nightmare toddler, was a dream at teen years. Youngest is little still but they all change loads throughout childhood. They don’t become black sheep or golden child unless you play them against each other and compare all the time.

If your son is very bright and lively it's possible that he's bored and you may find that things improve a lot when he goes to school. Does he go to nursery or any pre school groups? Maybe he needs more things to mentally occupy him in his life.
So much stereotyping on this thread, boys are not more difficult than girls, it's a personality thing.

It’s not stereotyping. It’s a fact that on average, boys are more lively and less socially mature than girls at the same age (obviously this is an average, so not all boys etc). This means that they may be perceived as more ‘difficult’. Conversely, girls may be perceived as difficult as teenagers for different reasons. For any individual kid the debate over whether it’s to do with their sex or their personality (or both) doesn’t really matter though.

I think the fact you are thinking so carefully and clearly about this is a good thing and a big first step towards avoiding falling into the trap of pigeon-holing your kids into roles.
I just wanted to pick up on the thing you mentioned about worrying because of the dysfunctional brothers in the family. I think it is really good that you have named this worry to yourself so you can be aware of any role it plays. We have a similar-ish situation - the birth order of my kids is just like my partner's siblings and there are other similarities - a very high-achieving/everything falls into place eldest girl, an easygoing middle boy and a youngest who struggles with emotional regulation and is quite highly strung/highly sensitive.
Partner's youngest sister struggled with her mental health from her mid-teens onwards, and died by suicide in her late twenties. I have had times where I have found it really difficult to parent my younger daughter in the light of this and ended up having some counselling sessions to separate the two things in my mind. (Younger daughter is doing A Levels now - it's definitely not plain sailing, but she and we are getting through what has been a tricky adolescence and I'm optimistic for her future.)
I hope you're not identifying with any of this at all! You sound like a really thoughtful mum who wants to get it right for all her children, and that's a really good start.

Firstly, I’d stop trying to treat your children the same and start treating them uniquely. Right now he needs more support, understanding, guidance and patience. But that may change. Or maybe it won’t … maybe he’ll have a more challenging personality. I would recommend the Siblings Without Rivalry book I found it really useful in understanding the dynamic once DD2 was born.

I have two boys - they’re a dream to parent (now both late teens). Don’t listen to the bullshit stereotypes.

Oh yes... I feel this so much at the moment - so much I could write ... this never happened when our kids were at home but since they left we have one who had needed so much shadowing, constant reminders not to overspend, to get their work in on time, to book things.. and the other is always on top of everything.. there is much much more.. and the BS thinks we are always on their case while the GC actually does think that they are perfect!

Forget that he's a boy. Maybe it's just that your second dc has a totally different personality to the first one, and simply needs a completely different parenting style and approach.

I make sure I treat my children differently because they are completely different. My only advice would be pick your battles. I knew my son needed different activities to his sister when he was in whirlwind mode particularly. Follow their interests and keep him busy. Involve him more. New clothes situation - ok these are not for throwing around the room but come and help put them away. He will learn but it is hard work. My boy is the calmest child now older just needs more reminders etc.