17yr old DS girlfriend and chaotic family situation

[movemamamove]

Not really sure what my question is here, but I found myself in a situation I’m not really sure how to navigate.

My 17 yr old DS is in a relationship with a really lovely girl who, as is becoming increasingly apparent, has a chaotic and I suspect traumatic family situation - police and SS have been involved And she no longer lives with her mum

My first priority is obviously to my son and I’m concerned that he is hearing some difficult detail and often having to give comfort and advice that I feel is probably beyond his maturity. I have tried to speak to him about it, but he doesn’t want to break her confidence and says it’s nothing he can’t handle which I get but he is besotted and knows no better.

I’m also wanting to extend kindness to her, make a feel welcome & I suppose also model good parenting but I’m worried she will become too dependent and invested in our lives. I also feel I should say something to her to acknowledge that I know her home life isn’t always easy but that she always welcome at our house or can talk to me, but again, don’t want to overstep and this feels a bit much as she’s only really started feeling comfortable eating a meal with us as before she didn’t want to be a burden, was worried about leaving food and there’s clearly lots going on there that we don’t know about

has anyone been in the situation and can advise where my boundaries should lay both with her and in terms of my son’s relationship with her. I have had a very open and robust conversations about Contraception with him and also kindness, consent, healthy relationships etc. I am so proud of how kind and considerate he is showing himself to be but this is his first love, he’s only 17 & I don’t want him to feel like he needs to save her or that she can’t cope without him as we all know very few first loves are destined to last.

She is also 17 and they’ve now been together 5 months.
Any advice?

I started dating my Husband when I was 17, we completed A-levels together, University together, we found graduate jobs, got married, bought a house together etc… so far we have been a couple for 30 years!

I also had a chaotic life when my Husband and I started dating and I was living in a hostel, working part time but also at full time college.

I think that your comments about his girlfriend are awful! You obviously have a poor opinion of her… and want to see the end of the relationship…. just be aware that you might not get your wish!

Also I wonder why a girl you describe as studious would hold your son back? She obviously has the strength to overcome adversity, yet you are essentially treating her as damaged goods!

Hey while unlikely sometimes these relationships last. Therefore she may just be your future grandchildren’s mother and your son will be passing on everything you say to her. She also may not see your “boundaries” in the same way you do and despite appearances might be very aware that you would be happy if they broke up. Worth a thought

For now, just be kind and welcoming without getting overly involved. It might not fizzle out though, I was this girl at 17 - rough background, childhood trauma and desperate for my own life to begin. DH was a nice, smart middle class boy with a bright future - his Mum deemed me a 'handful' and she was probably right.

We did have a baby at 19 and got married at 20 but DH did graduate, got a great job and 20 years later we are so happy, so stable and looking forward to the next chapter of our lives as DD reaches adulthood.

It doesn't always fizzle out and it doesn't always end badly - just be nice and don't get overly involved.

i Remember being treated with that mix of pity and faint fear/suspicion by nice middle class adults when I was around their kids.
she’s hard working and studious. She has left home, survived trauma and is not bringing a load of drama into your sons life? She has an aunt who loves her. It’s possible she is a total catch for your son. treat her with kindness but remember to also be respectful of her resilience and acknowledge whatever maturity she has which sounds considerable.

I remember it too. ❤️