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Original poster

17yr old DS girlfriend and chaotic family situation

30 replies

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:13

Not really sure what my question is here, but I found myself in a situation I’m not really sure how to navigate.

My 17 yr old DS is in a relationship with a really lovely girl who, as is becoming increasingly apparent, has a chaotic and I suspect traumatic family situation - police and SS have been involved And she no longer lives with her mum

My first priority is obviously to my son and I’m concerned that he is hearing some difficult detail and often having to give comfort and advice that I feel is probably beyond his maturity. I have tried to speak to him about it, but he doesn’t want to break her confidence and says it’s nothing he can’t handle which I get but he is besotted and knows no better.

I’m also wanting to extend kindness to her, make a feel welcome & I suppose also model good parenting but I’m worried she will become too dependent and invested in our lives. I also feel I should say something to her to acknowledge that I know her home life isn’t always easy but that she always welcome at our house or can talk to me, but again, don’t want to overstep and this feels a bit much as she’s only really started feeling comfortable eating a meal with us as before she didn’t want to be a burden, was worried about leaving food and there’s clearly lots going on there that we don’t know about

has anyone been in the situation and can advise where my boundaries should lay both with her and in terms of my son’s relationship with her. I have had a very open and robust conversations about Contraception with him and also kindness, consent, healthy relationships etc. I am so proud of how kind and considerate he is showing himself to be but this is his first love, he’s only 17 & I don’t want him to feel like he needs to save her or that she can’t cope without him as we all know very few first loves are destined to last.

She is also 17 and they’ve now been together 5 months.
Any advice?

OP posts:

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:14

Please say she hasn’t moved in with you and your son?

TellMeSomethingGoodAboutMrSchuAndHisTightBreeks · 08/02/2026 15:17

Just keep talking to your son and being kind to her when she's at your house.

Anything further than that may cause her further difficulty if/when they split up and then she's losing a source of support too.

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:20

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:14

Please say she hasn’t moved in with you and your son?

Oh good God, no, she lives with her aunt but still visits her mum.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 08/02/2026 15:21

First loves can be very intense.

i guess the first thing to say is that it is very likely that this will be a short (ish) relationship and it’s likely he will move on and have others as he grows up.

so be welcoming to her, but mostly just keep out of it.

she doesn’t know you. Parents of boy/girlfriends at that age are absolutely not people you confide in or want to discuss difficult home situations with. Don’t mention her home situation.

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:22

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:20

Oh good God, no, she lives with her aunt but still visits her mum.

Show quote history

Thank goodness

How often is she coming over? And staying the night? Does she attend college?

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:23

@TellMeSomethingGoodAboutMrSchuAndHisTightBreeksthanks yes I hadn’t considered that - I certainly don’t want her to become so dependent on me stays with my son regardless . Goodness it’s tricky. And I hate to say it as it’s not her fault and she is genuinely really lovely, but it’s definitely not something I would wish for my son’s first girlfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:28

They are in sixth form together she’s very hard-working and studious. She comes over quite regularly (& he has been a couple of times to her house) but no sleepovers. We have recently had a conversation with him about the intensity of their relationship and had to try and get them to reduce the amount of time they are together and see that he needs to maintain a life outside his girlfriend. He was initially very cross and defensive, but It’s definitely been less full on and he went out with his mates on Friday rather than spending all weekend with his girlfriend (or on the phone to her) as has been happening since Christmas.

OP posts:

Nonotforme · 08/02/2026 15:28

When I was 17 my home life was horrendous and chaotic. My boyfriend's mum welcomed me and showed me what a calm family life was like. If it wasn't for her being so kind and welcoming (and not judgey!) I wouldn't be the mum I am today.

Her son and I broke up at age 19ish when I went to university and I am now 40. I think of that family almost daily as I'm always so grateful.

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:28

5 months is nothing
I would be very worried that your DS, quite understandably, may lose interest (he is 17!£ but feel like he HAS to stay with her

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:31

Thanks for sharing @Nonotforme I guess this is what I really hope for her and him: a lovely first relationship that inevitably fizzles out but each left with good memories and her a glimpse of normality.

He’s planning to go to university, so I’m really hoping this doesn’t derail those plans and that will see an inevitable end to it.

OP posts:

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:31

I would be welcoming her in the same way I would welcome any of my teen’s partners. No more. No less.

My overwhelming priority is MY kids and I would keep her at arm’s length from the family fold after a mere 5 months together.

BillieWiper · 08/02/2026 15:38

Presumably she safe at her aunt's house? Have you met the aunt, had your son or her said much about her?

It's difficult but you just have to be welcoming and kind and give them space. If it seems like she's moving in by stealth, tell DS she needs to stay only certain nights. Is he able to stay at her aunt's?

She sounds nice and you say she's studious etc. so it's not like she's very obviously going off the rails or in need of specific support.

Make sure your son knows that if things aren't going well he doesn't owe her a relationship. And these things don't always last. And relationships should feel emotionally equal.

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 15:53

DS relayed to us an incident at school when she told a teacher she was staying at her mum’s for a couple of nights and this resulted in a police visit that evening Clearly School are very aware and have safeguarding protocols in place for her which is great but made me realise quite how bad things. Prior to this we thought she just didn’t get on with her mum / her mum’s life was too chaotic to care for her but now think she was removed from her care which I know has quite a high threshold .
The aunt seems to be a safe place for her as she talks very positively about her. Shush

OP posts:

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:55

She’s 17, she won’t have been removed. She will have left of her own accord unless she’s lived with aunt for at least a couple of years?

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:57

So important for you to tell you DS that if he does not want to remain with her at any point, he can’t feel any pressure to stay with her.

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 16:01

@Todayuneed she’s lived with her aunt for about a year so she was 16 when whenever what went on led to this current living situation. To be honest, I don’t & I wouldn’t expect to know the detail it’s more the fact that there’s obviously an awful lot that’s happened and I just want to know how best to support my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 16:03

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 15:57

So important for you to tell you DS that if he does not want to remain with her at any point, he can’t feel any pressure to stay with her.

Yes, thank you. I’ll have to find the right time & way (he is currently adamant they’ll be together forever and won’t hear anything to suggest otherwise!), but this is exactly what I need him to hear.

OP posts:

Todayuneed · 08/02/2026 16:04

Like I said
Don’t get too involved
Make damn sure your son knows he is under no pressure to stay in a relationship with her if he doesn’t want to
and I wouldn’t be having her over for day after day after day.

Pearlstillsinging · 08/02/2026 16:04

If she is living at her aunt's house, with SS knowledge and approval, she is presumably safe now. There are any number of reasons why she could have left her mum's house bot necessarily because her life has been dreadful since birth.
Just carry on welcoming her to your home as you have been doing.

Wisperley · 08/02/2026 16:05

Nonotforme · 08/02/2026 15:28

Her son and I broke up at age 19ish when I went to university and I am now 40. I think of that family almost daily as I'm always so grateful.

Me too. If it weren't for that family, I would not have known how to behave with my child's boyfriends/girlfriends because my own parents were so awful. The dad of the family I am thinking of has recently died, and my ex-boyfriend of 40 years ago got in touch to invite me to the funeral, because he said his dad had always liked me. 😥

Nonotforme · 08/02/2026 16:06

movemamamove · 08/02/2026 16:01

The best way to break unhealthy cycles is to go on holiday abroad for a week. With no additional invites. (Abroad prevents cling ons)

it gives them both space, a better world view and perhaps raises some questions or enthusiasm about the future!

(I appreciate not everyone can afford this. But even a week at Eurocamp should do the job!)

Spaghettion · 08/02/2026 16:13

My sons first girlfriend was in foster care, had been for years when he met her at age 17.
She was a lovely girl but desperate for her own family, about a year in the baby talk was becoming pretty constant from her.
I told my son if he didn’t want to be a dad then it was his responsibility to make sure that didn’t happen.. Even if he was being told, I’m on the pill ect he should still be using condoms.
It’a 6 years ago now
Since they split (it lasted a
year) and I felt so bad for her. She got my husband’s phone number somehow and would message things like.. I thought you were going to be my family, I’ve got nobody, it was really sad.
I ended up phoning social services myself and explained the situation.
She needed therapy really but she got to 18 was given a council flat and that was that, everyone seemed to have washed there hands of her.
It’s so depressing how care leavers are treated.
She had such a sad traumatic life.
She still lives in the area, has two kids now and I was over the moon at Christmas to hear her voice on the local radio station because she’d won quite a big cash prize in a radio competition.
I think all you can do op is talk to your son about contraception, boundaries and let it play out, maybe it’ll last.

pilates · 08/02/2026 16:14

Just make sure there are clear boundaries at the start. One sleepover can lead to two/three and then before you know it she’s living with you which is too much for 17 yr olds. Be nice and welcoming but your son is your priority and make it known he can speak to you about anything.

Aluna · 08/02/2026 16:39

You can’t reason with young love so there’s no point trying. But no need to panic either.

There’s certainly no point in telling him he doesn’t need to feel pressured to stay with her - he wants to be with her right now so that won’t land the way you intend - it implies he might feel that now.

She is dealing with a difficult family background yet is hardworking and studious. Why would she try to hold your son back from uni if she plans to go herself?

Why not forget about “modelling” anything - just be a decent human being with good boundaries and everything will follow from that.

independentfriend · 09/02/2026 18:39

There are various support services advertised at older teenagers and you could make sure your son knows about them and good places to look online to point her at.

Off the top of my head you might have: a school nurse service who can be texted, pastoral support people at college, careers advisers at college, people who support with UCAS stuff, local sexual health services, GP, self referral low level NHS mental health support, maybe something like SilverCloud or Togetherall, Childline, The Mix, Shelter.

There's some info on supporting friends on university welfare sites which he might find helpful - she won't be the only person he knows having a hard time.

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