Do you think you could have managed things your Mother did?

[Megsdaughter]

I was just musing, after I looked through some photos from 1961.

I was born in the February, I'm 65 next week.
When I was born my Mother was staying with my Grandparents in Edinburgh, my Dad being in the RAF had been posted to Aden and my Mum being pregnant wasnt allowed to go. At that time I was the youngest of three having a 4 year old and 2 year old brother

When I was 6 weeks old my Mother got on a train just with her 3 children (me strapped to her in a shawl sling) and 2 small suitcases, one full of terry nappies the other enough clothes for an over night stay and travelled to London.

When she got there sge got from Waterloo to Victoria Coach station, I'm not sure if she git a taxi or went on the tube. She got a coach from Victoria to Oxford, and then a bus from Oxford to Brize Norton the RAF airport. We stayed there the night.

The next morning she got us all on the plane and we flew to Aden where my Dad met us.

I had my Son in the late 70's but I couldnt imagine doing all that at just 6 weeks post partum. Could you?

Be a SAHM with a full time “maid”? Yes I think I could struggle through.

She took on a trained army squadron single-handed, with me on her hip aged 2, and won.

They thought they could gang rape her. They were wrong. She was formidable.

She killed herself on Monday and I miss her immensely.

Very,very sad. So sorry.

I find it incredible (and slightly amusing) when I read about women who go into meltdown about travelling maybe 3 hours or so with their kids in the car. They've got SUV cars, disposable nappies, a DH to help them, air con, tablets, sat nav and all mod cons at their disposal. Yet it's framed as akin to crossing the Sahara - on foot.

Absolutely. My DM life has been SIGNIFICANTLY easier than mine

Haha! So true.

Oh God. How awful. 💐

I have a DIL who can't cope without constant help from her parents and expects her partner to be around 24/7. I had three kids and a husband who was always working and my parents at the other end of the country.

I think there is a lot more pressure now though, as a dc I played out with the neighbours dc, kids don’t do that now & parents are expected to know where they are. My mum was often late to collect us from school but we were just playing in the playground with the gates wide open. Now you have to book afterschool club and get fined if you are late.

oh that’s so sad. Sorry for your family’s loss. 🫂
good on your mum breastfeeding the rest of you as she wished 🥹

I love the way that nearly everyone on this thread is confident they could do the same. Whereas on other threads, people can't even have family visitors six weeks after the birth because they'd be so tired and stressed (in their own home!)

Agree. I don’t think I would have been able to run my household the way some have described on here, especially as the women were expected to make clothes, decorate etc on top of all the other chores, especially the hard labour that was washing. Far less help from partners then, it was “ women’s work” No HRT either!

It sounds like your DIL comes from a family who is quite close and supportive and prioritise spending time with each other, because they enjoy doing so, and want to foster close relationships between the kids and grandparents, and for your son to be as hands on as possible to encourage the closer parent-child bonds, and not just be this distant, hands-off figure who comes home when the kids are in bed, doesn't really know any practical parenting skills and wouldn't know how to look after them on his own, as was the case with many dads in the past.

Why would your DIL just get on with everything on her own as if she lived far away from everyone when she, in fact, doesn't?

Yes, true. She is very very dependent on them though. It’s just quite alien to me.

But if she HAD to get on with it without them, she probably would. I think that goes for all of us. It's a needs must thing. You do just get on with the hard times if there is no help available, because what's the alternative? It may be a bit miserable and stressful at times, but most people do just get through. Many women didn't manage it easily though and had a nightly alcoholic drink or a pack of pills to "calm their nerves".

So I don't judge anyone who prefers to surround themselves with "a village" rather than just "get on with it", because, really, that's what we're meant to do, and is often happier for everyone, all round.

I think it’s remarkable what people can do when they have to. You just deal with your lot in life, however that may look.
My mum’s early motherhood ‘journey’ (for want of a better word!) is similar to my life now in some ways; she was a baking, exploring, outdoorsy, let’s do this let’s do that sort of mum, similar to me, but where I have a husband who adores me, she had an abusive twat. He left her, having cheated, and she raised 5 kids alone, working full time, counting every penny. She made some truly godawful choices along the way, namely my now-ex stepdad, but she coped well in terms of paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework etc etc. I could do it if I had to but by fuck, would I be livid at the injustice 😅

Yes I totally agree. I would have loved to have had that support.

What age is your mother?! Because my 83 year old mother certainly wasn’t expected to make clothes or decorate and washing for her meant bunging clothes in a washing machine, just like it does for me. Plus she had HRT. I think your grasp of history is a bit muddled

I think in bigger low income families in times gone by with little mod cons, one of the biggest differences in that each child had chores. While no one enjoys them, it makes everyone feel like a valued member of the family. I doubt that mother alone prepared dinner while several kids lounged around doing nothing waiting to be fed. Older kids minded younger ones, mothers didn't bring 4 children to get the groceries every day.

Mothers didn't escort their children to school then collect them, they didn't stand around watching them play. Yes they worked their asses off but if your kids leave the house at 8am and you wave them off and don't expect them til 3 or 4 pm, that's plenty time to bake, prep dinner, hand wash and clean. People ate dinners early in the day then kids had chores. Mothers had rest time in the evenings, it's a boring thankless existence but not necessarily harder. They probably weren't chopping veg at 10pm to put in a slow cooker at 7.30am. They also avoided unnecessary work like a daily bath for kids or washing laundry that isn't dirty to freshen up, or constantly trying to be inventive with dinner options.

thats quite different from 6 weeks post partum. I have also flown solo Melb to London with dc, when they were 6m and 3, my 3yo very high energy and exhausted from being spoil rotten at his grandparents as I’d had gastro all the week before hand so I was wrecked and they’d kept him so I didn’t have to look after him.

but, I took the train to Paris solo with my first 8 weeks old in the sling and a hand suitcase, and I didn’t have any core muscles and was still recovering from birth really (pre pregnancy I was a fit healthy runner) and it was exhausting only having a sling and bent unable to put him down, my back was killing me by the time I’d been there a day. I couldn’t have done what the ops mum did.

If she were alive she’d be 113!

if you are healthy and mobile, you can do it
I travelled a lot solo

So you must be around my mum's age (if your mum had you when she was 30, you'd be 83) which tracks - what you describe does sound similar to my grandparent's lives.

My mother did fuck-all. My dad did everything from housework to admin to childcare, and now that he can't do any of that stuff she expects me to do it.

I'm 65 so grew up when keeping a household running was more of a full time job than it is now - we had a twin tub washing machine (and only a copper when I was born), no fridge no freezer, one open fire, so cleaning, laundry and cooking were major undertakings.

However my mum liked things 'just so', so made a lot more work for herself on top of what was necessary and I often think that if I'd had to live her life I would have streamlined things a bit more. Perhaps let the house get a bit more dusty or untidy before cleaning, or just 'let go' a bit more.

But her psyche was formed during the war years which I suspect gave her her outlook on life. So while I might have been able to do what my mum did, I wouldn't want to and would try not to, but it's 'walk a mile in these shoes' really, isn't it?

In February 1991, DH was out in Kuwait with the RAF ( first Gulf War) , I had been staying with 6 month old DD at his parents and wanted to go back to our home in Germany.
I had cases, pushchair and car seat and was dropped off at Birmingham airport to fly to Cologne to be picked up by a mate of DH.
Obviously no mobile phones back then.
Flight was delayed by 10 hours due to snow, then we were offloaded in Hamburg in a blizzard at midnight for another 6 hours so I was running out of milk and clean bottles. It was horrific looking back but I just got on with it.
Finally arrived after 18 hours and DH’s mate, bless him, was stood waiting for us, he’d just stayed put with no idea what was going on. By the time we got home I’d been awake for well over 24 hours, baby DD was oblivious, it would have been much harder if she’d been a toddler. DH finally got home a week before her 1st birthday.