How can I stop being too empathetic? (Getting teary)

[CactusRabbit]

Not sure if I'm alone in this, but I feel I'm too empathetic, but not sure how or if I i can change...
I can get teary and emotional talking about things that affect other people.
I was just watching the downhill skiing, and was telling DH about the horrible accident that's just happened, and I started getting teary.

It's obviously not a bad thing to feel this, but I just wish I didn't show the emotions all the time...

Yeah you’re right, there is a distinction there for sure. Is offering help in public places ok though? There was a chap struggling to do up the buttons on his coat in the supermarket so I offered to help, or reaching a low shelf item for an older lady etc?
I’m aware I do have a strong pull to help others, and also protect. This I’m sure is shaped in some way by childhood experiences, I tried to shield my sibling as a younger child and failed (I was the younger sib) and am an adult survivor of CA (my sibling and I both are). I have a strong protect instinct and have had to work at professional boundaries and keeping my empathy in check as feeling others pain used to weigh me down a lot, I would worry about the people I worked with. The roles I took went into domestic violence support, street homelessness and addiction recovery, later elderly care, dementia support and safeguarding. I think it is why I chose the front line services I did, almost a pathological drive to help prevent harm and help. It will be shaped by my experiences in childhood for sure but I do genuinely care and worry about the risk groups and individuals I was responsible for. I lost one beautiful soul to suicide years ago and cried and blamed myself for not doing more, for failing to see it coming (I was young and inexperienced). I was supporting this lady get housed and work towards getting her children back from care. She loved them so much but was an addict getting clean, she got clean and got so close. I thought I did everything possible to help her and link her in with all the support available. I know ultimately it was not my fault but I struggled to forgive myself for a long time. I have had some counselling which has helped. I had to step away from caring roles due to mh impact but hope to return to some voluntary roles in the next couple of years. Hopefully lower responsibility and fewer work hours will help (ones I can chose to a manageable level).

I'm pretty sure that most people prefer it to the alternative where everything is compartmentalised and practically nothing gets through. Although then there wouldn't be anybody functioning in terrible circumstances and the skier wouldn't have had anybody able to take care of her.

So I guess us soulless people come in handy sometimes, even if nobody knows what on earth to do if something cuts through the barriers and we finally crumble.

I didn't tear up at Lindsay Vonn's crash today, but I did for the Italian female speed skater winning yesterday and then running off to cuddle her son. I cry at movies and sad TV stories and was blubbering at my sister's wedding.
I have been described as sensitive but have recently started recognising ADHD traits in myself.

Same! I was an absolute waterworks until perimenopause then, BAM, everyone and everything can GET FUCKED 😂

Like others, I found this over empathising ended with perimenopause. Quite dramatically, it’s quite freeing to be more selfish. I have wondered if this is how men get to live their whole lives

I wonder why mine hasn't ended with the menopause. I'm feeling quite cheated!!

I'm exactly like this. I feel so much for my friends and family if they're having a difficult time and I want to do everything I can to support them but I find it very hard to accept support or sympathy when it's me who's struggling.

Same. I've been perimenopausal for years and I'm as emotional, empathetic and tearful as ever!

It's not fair!!

<stamps feet>

Interesting point

OP, I’m similar to you and spoke to my therapist about it. She mentioned I should look up Elaine Aron’s “highly sensitive person” description. Have a wee look, might apply to you too. Basically it’s a person with deep emotions processing ability.

I am a very highly sensitive person and at 52 I have accepted this is me and I can't change now.

I am an emotional sponge and think/worry about so many people and living beings.

I've just spent a week with my elderly mum (who has advanced Alzheimer's) in a hospital ward full of elderly and unwell people. There hasn't been a day over the last 8 days that I haven't come home and cried for every one of those patients. I can't stop thinking about them.

I'd never make it as a nurse lol!

I think you sound lovely. You clearly have a big heart xx

Hey, I’ve got to object to this. I’m a pre menopause woman and I have next to no empathy and I’m incredibly selfish. It isn’t just men!

Look up compassion training as a way to do good without being overwhelmed by empathy. Too much empathy leads to empathic distress which leads to burnout and is unhelpful to everyone.

In contrast, a compassion reaction to a person in distress is a reaction where you actively DO SOMETHING to make the situation better. don't just feel an emotion, channel it into an action. That will help you control the emotion and have a better outcome for both you and the person in distress.

I’m just like you OP. I get so embarrassed that I get so emotional like this. I’ve been like it all my life.

With me it’s old soldiers or sailors or airmen . Just one look at them with their medals for bravery when they were so young and I’m tearing up while writing this 🥹

This is a very good point. I've posted upthread about feeling too much empathy, for me it's never emotional just more a concern. In fact I'm rather unemotional and would love to cry occasionally and let some stress out. I am extremely self critical and always more kindly disposed to others. I don't known if it comes from low self esteem or a massive ego, or possibly both simultaneously!!

What helped me was changing career where I now work in a caring role, it's brought out the best in me and i have more energy both physical and mental. I also did some volunteering. I help out with occasional community stuff too and give a fair amount to charity (relatively). I appreciate this bleeding heart stuff is entirely self serving and makes me happier, but it does good too. It eases the guilt a bit, why I feel guilty I don't know but I always do.

I used to be like this until a string of really horrible things happened to me and now that aspect of my personality has gone and I’m almost completely the other way. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, and under certain conditions I can still feel overly emotional and empathetic for certain ppl in certain situations, but now I have detached myself as a form of self preservation I guess and even tho I don’t know their innermost circumstances my brain thinks - so what? At least they’ve not had to go through what you have and shuts off-overly sympathetic emotion. It sounds really cold but I am ‘happier’ that I don’t suffer regularly on behalf of other ppl’s situations.

That is really odd. I like experiencing some of things you are feeling sorry for people about. My teenage years were really fun, motherhood was good. I prefer not to get wet, but I like using public transport more than driving. You are projecting your own feelings on other people then feeling needlessly guilty because they are probably perfectly happy with their situation.

I'm much the same. I can cry over things involving animals, otherwise nothing makes me cry. I do feel empathy and feel sorry for others, but crying, no.

I have a friend who does this a bit. If I am talking about bad things/ hard times that have affected me, she often tears up. I find it validating, even comforting as it says to me that she understands how bad/sad things are for me.

I remember that one 😂

Same here. I can certainly sympathise with people, but I honestly don’t get teary-eyed over a random stranger standing at a bus stop on a wet morning, or a skier falling over….