How can I stop being too empathetic? (Getting teary)

[CactusRabbit]

Not sure if I'm alone in this, but I feel I'm too empathetic, but not sure how or if I i can change...
I can get teary and emotional talking about things that affect other people.
I was just watching the downhill skiing, and was telling DH about the horrible accident that's just happened, and I started getting teary.

It's obviously not a bad thing to feel this, but I just wish I didn't show the emotions all the time...

There is nothing remotely performative about something which people actually work very hard to hide.

You can judge all you like, but ultimately, you're just showing your own ignorance. People are not wrong simply because they are different from you.

I like your username boomer. Suits you. 😘

I used to get so sad at every old man alone I saw. Now I think to myself for all I know he's a pervert/abuser/narcissist etc!

I used to have emotional diarrhoea - would cry at a dogs trust advert but blocked out emotions relating to my own life experiences. Now I am emotionally constipated in that I can’t empathise with unrelated others (meonopause) but still block out personal emotions. The body keeps count though and I have physical reactions to trauma. I have been referred for trauma therapy by GP so hope to even this out in future.

It's interesting to see how many people have said that the menopause has changed this trait in them. I'm post menopause but haven't changed at all!

I object to the word 'performative' as if we're somehow putting it on, maybe for attention. Just because you're a cold fish, doesn't mean everyone else is. Just because you lack finer feelings, that doesn't make the rest of us fake liars.

@Sidebeforeself oh I think you're friends with my MIL! She was telling me a while back how terribly upset she was that 'Jane' had been diagnosed with a heart condition and don't I also feel awful for her, I couldn't place the name so had to ask. Turned out 'Jane' is DH's cousin's daughter's boyfriend's mum who MIL has never even met. Empathy is one thing but I find this borrowing of trauma/drama and dwelling on it quite exhausting.

I think this is a different thing, the thing you're talking about @GiddyDog - I think your example is people who are seeking attention. My understanding of this thread is that it's about people who seem to have, if you like, too much empathy for others. I hate, frankly, that I can always see the others' point of view too much in any situation. I can't think how to say what I mean without it coming across as the awful 'I feel more than you' stuff. I honestly don't mean it like that. Some people seem to cope so much better with this empathy business than others. I'm a people pleaser too, maybe they go hand in hand. It leads back to earlier trauma maybe.

Same. I used to think it was my job to leap in and help absolutely anyone who needed anything, even if I was exhausted, running on empty and barely coping myself. Trained from childhood to keep volatile adults happy or else. I eventually toughened up and learned boundaries.

I'm glad you emotionally broke free @Tonissister

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Very true. However, there are a lot of elderly men who are alone and lonely through no fault of their own, usually widowers. I used to be a visiting worker for vulnerable older people and there were so many (lovely) gents out there who were just sad and missing their wives and a bit lost. Also same for widows missing their husbands. I guess we should try not to make conclusions at either end of the scale without knowing people’s circumstances. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with healthy empathy and it can be a useful tool for helping to read people’s emotions and then chose an appropriate response. Also our experiences colour our reactions, I think I probably see an older man or lady struggling along on their own, with clear mobility problems, along a footpath and think of all the dear George’s and Betty’s. It does break my heart a bit and I do hope they are ok. It is ok as a society to care and worry about our vulnerable folk a bit isn’t it, and kids too? People do sadly slip through the net

But you were in a job that involved you doing useful work with isolated older people, so your empathy had a role in helping you respond appropriately to their needs, and understand why they might be so cut off. You weren’t just tearing up seeing elderly men putting individual tins of soup in their baskets at the supermarket.

Yes, I think that’s fair.

I don’t think Its remotely common, just as some posters have the same issues. I’d be side eying you if you started weeping about the ski accident and I very much doubt people were sitting weeping at watching it on the news. Which doesn’t mean its not sad or devastating for the person involved,but weeping over it at home feels unusual to me.

if someone has happy news do you feel the same. For example in the same games when you see someone win a race are you on cloud nine and celebrating each time? If not then is think you were making someone else’s tragedy about you.

But it only seems to be sad things being listed, no one seems to be feeling empathy for goof things, and twirling round their living room and cracking open th4 bubbles.

Yes, I am often moved to (happy) tears by people's happy moments too, especially if I can tell how much it means to them.

I try my hardest to rein it in if other people are around because it's embarrassing. If I'm on my own, I don't worry about it.

It's very hard to explain to someone who doesn't experience this.

It's any strong emotion for me. Happiness as much as sadness.

I posted at around 4pm.

It's not just sad things, I got emotional watching the snowboard finals, and the reaction of the lady who came 3rd. Obviously, today has just been Olympic examples, but it can be happy, or sad occasions about anything. I just get this physical reaction, although I do try not to show it, hence why I was asking about others experience to get some tips to help.

Maybe it's this: I'm pretty good at reading people through body language and other external clues (not trying to say that I'm better than anyone else). Maybe I'm good at reading body language because of the abuse I had when younger and I was in alert mode and learnt to watch out and make myself scarce if something was about to kick off. Sorry, I know that's what PP have been already saying. And I agree, if you don't get it then you don't get it. But it exists - hyper sensitivity is a thing.

Have you always been like this? If not it could be a symptom of something.

if not then perhaps a little therapy if it’s getting to you. If not then just accept it as who you are.

I am also a very empathic and emotional person, however, there is nothing performative about it as it’s how I feel inside and I don’t share my feelings with other people. It’s not like I burst into tears on a daily basis. Things I do to help myself, is avoid most news. I am interested in current affairs and want to keep up, but I control what I get exposed to. I also avoid reading books and watching films which I know will trigger me. My triggers are anything happening to children and animals.

Google "hyper empathy", OP.

It is a very common trait in neurodivergent individuals. It may well occur in some neurotypical people as well.

My dd is like this too. We laugh a lot at each other because we both know it's ridiculous. What I did notice though is that the trait was evident in her from a very early age.

I have this a little bit. But actually only with people I know. If anyone has anything bad happen I really feel it for them, then probably overstep quite a bit by doing all I can to “help”. Like making meals/sending little gifts that might help (which probably don’t). It’s kind of weird because when anything bad ever happens to me I bury my head in the sand and act like everything is fine.