Teen secretly drinking - where do I go for help?

[lilacmamacat]

This is the short version: My OH and I came in from various hobbies last night to find our 14yo DS had drunk an entire bottle of prosecco while we were out and was completely drunk and incoherent. This is bad enough, but having gone through his room today, we've found empty alcohol bottles hidden in his room.

I am completely horrified. As well as underage drinking, there is the fact that he seems to have been doing this for a while and can no longer be trusted (either when left alone at home or when going out with friends). I have no idea how to start resolving this and who to ask for help.

Has anyone else had this issue and who did you get help from? I'm thinking charities, teen organisations, counselling, and the like.

We're going to talk to him once he's back from school but I'm dubious that this situation will be an easy fix.

What is he like generally, @lilacmamacat ?

I'm just wondering whether your instinct is that alcohol is the primary problem -- or that there are some other underlying things going on, of which the drinking may be a symptom.

If there are underlying things, three sorts of questions seem potentially relevant. One is: Has anything happened that means that he is confronted with worries/problems he is struggling to deal with? Another is : Are there any signs that he is struggling with psychological issues such as anxiety?

A third is: Is there any possibility of a more serious mental health problem ? This is less likely of course, but it is a fact that people falling towards psychosis often develop substance abuse. My son in his late teens travelled that path. We had the empty bottles in his bedroom, etc, and we just couldn't understand it because nothing about the situation felt like the 'normal' issue of young people experimenting chaotically with alcohol. Something was 'off' and different.

It might be obvious to you that there aren't any serious problems of this sort, in which case the options that you mention all seem appropriate. But if you do have any deeper concerns about mental health, consider a GP appointment.

how many bottles have you found? If it’s only a few, then he sounds like a normal 14 year old to me.

I think this probably needs to be approached quite differently to drinking whilst out with friends. I did a fair amount of drinking when I was out with my friends, more so when I was about 15 rather than 14, but still young. I wouldn't have thought to drink on my own at that age.

How is his behaviour normally? Does he handle his emotions ok? How are his social groups and his behaviour at school?

To me this is a signal that he is not coping with something in his life - I would try to look past the alcohol and discover what problem the alcohol is solving for him.

You must be very worried but I would try to stay calm and be as supportive as possible.

I think a 14 year old secretly drinking entire bottles of prosecco while alone is really not normal.

I think it's normal for some 14yos to drink with their mates but not on their own.

He’s not underage to drink in your house. He’s just underage to buy alcohol or drink on a licensed premises.

The bit that would worry me would be drinking alone. That would suggest to me that there is something else going on. Is he being bullied? Any issues at school or with family?

No.

I did plenty of underage drinking as a teen but it was with friends at parties or when we fake ID’d our way into clubs and pubs.

It was never on our own in our bedrooms.

OP- clarify if he has been drinking alone. Where is he getting it from? Plus how is he so regularly unsupervised that he’s able to get drink alcohol so often without you noticing? When is he doing it?

Big talks needed to get to the underlying problems but in the mean time, he’s lost your trust. Don’t leave him at home in the evenings alone until you can trust him again.

I have a 14yr old DS, I think the drinking alone on a weeknight falls into unusual/problematic behaviour.

I think you need to try to get to the bottom of why he is doing it? Just for fun then as you would for any other misdemeanor, but it may be being used to deal with a more serious issue so you could do with finding out what that is.

To answer everyone, yes he's definitely lost our trust!

Generally he's bright, articulate and honest, and he has a mostly decent friend group (one boy I'm really doubtful about (not his best friend fortunately) but not much I can do to keep them apart ). He has a girlfriend although it seems to be pretty low key.

We went through his room and found empty bottles of Prosecco, cherry vodka and drambuie (1 bottle each). He says it's only happened on a few occasions (and apart from the fizz, these were bottles that were less than half full when he took them) and he started before Xmas.

He says that he doesn't see what point there is in life (he's not suicidal!), there's nothing good going on in the world and he has nothing to look forward to. He says he's felt like this for several years. This is true, he's told me before that he doesn't feel very positive about the future, but I never thought it would come to this. He's also said that he feels a lot of pressure from us to perform well academically but my DP and I don't really understand where this comes from; we're both well educated and talk to him about apprenticeships, college and uni, but I don't think we've really been ramming it down his throat (compared to the experience I had in my childhood).

I wonder whether the following have contributed to feeling like this (at least in part): lots of moving schools when he was younger, covid isolation, being an only child, living rurally (so not able to easily hang out with friends - consequently he spends a lot of time gaming and chatting to friends on his phone).

He says he'll stop now that he's been found out, but much as I would love to believe him, I'm worried the problem will just find another route to express itself. He doesn't want to talk to friends/girlfriend/dr/counsellors, so at the moment, we see our only route is to work more to get him out of his room, involve him more in family life, and hope that he will start to see some positivity going forward.

Kindly, listen to what he telling you. He feels pressure from you to do well. Whether you feel you do this or not os irrelevant, he feels it.
And although you say he is not suicidal the language he is using is worrying.
I would be trying to get him to speak to someone he trusts or the GP. Hugs x

I think counselling (private quicker than NHS), lots of support & sympathy & promoting positive activities. Anyone feeling down and drinking too much needs to replace that with another activity- ideally something social. Any hobbies you could support him with?
Open chat about academics and that you're happy if he's happy - talking about different training pathways might stress him out, just go with 'whatever happens we love you and are proud of you' on repeat

"He's also said that he feels a lot of pressure from us to perform well academically but my DP and I don't really understand where this comes from; we're both well educated and talk to him about apprenticeships, college and uni, but I don't think we've really been ramming it down his throat."

Sometimes it's not what you say to kids directly about their own performance but also the general 'vibe' in the house, what you say in passing about other people and what you praise or emphasise in your general chat and communication (with him and with others). Sometimes kids can 'feel' expectation even if you have not expressed it. I am not saying you have done anything wrong BTW - just a perspective (from someone who felt like that as a kid). It's a shame that he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I developed an eating disorder as a child and I think I would have benefitted from some talking therapy.

His feeling of hopelessness and the fact that he has turned to alcohol to numb his feelings are an indication you really need to keep an eye on him. Some people struggle to 'deal' with life in a normal way, it doesn't mean he can't be happy and successful but he may need some extra support.

I guess the alcohol he has taken is from your drinks cabinet - it sounds like the stuff you drink at Christmas/bring back from holiday. I wouldn't go alcohol free but I would get rid of this. Are you out at 'hobbies' a lot? Maybe be around a bit more.

Yes, alcohol taken from drinks cabinet. Hopefully most of what's in there is stuff he wouldn't want (whiskey and other 'adult' flavours). Don't know where we'd put it to be honest, so I think at least at the moment, we can only keep more of an eye on it, and check his room more.

DP and I do have a couple of times a week when we're both out (the incident in my OP happened on one of these occasions) so perhaps he has been using these as ideal opportunities. Problem is he's not really a child any more in the he's-too-young-to-be-left-home-alone sense, and dragging him to events where he would very clearly be out of place and just have to sit in a corner for 2 hours would be really difficult (although I can already hear Mumnetters saying "well, if that's what it takes...").

I have asked him if he will talk to someone, but get a flat no. Not to school (the embarassment!), a counsellor, or us. I don't want to force him into anything because there's the risk that he'll feel even more unhappy, clam up, and feel betrayed by us. We are going to look for some phone numbers/websites of relevant organisations to give him in case he changes his mind, but at this stage I think forcing him will be very counterproductive.

It's positive he has talked to you about how he feels. I think he's left those bottles hoping you would find them which is a good thing. He could have thrown them away. Keep talking to him and if he needs some therapy. Different but my child had an ED, talking and making them feel loved is really important. Being a teen is hard and the hormones and emotions are hard to deal with. Don't shout at him or be angry, he's told you why he's done it and needs your support now.

Just pour it down the drain.

Hopefully most of what's in there is stuff he wouldn't want (whiskey and other 'adult' flavours). Don't know where we'd put it to be honest, so I think at least at the moment, we can only keep more of an eye on it, and check his room more.

He's not drinking it because it tastes nice (although he will drink the nice tasting stuff first). He's drinking because he wants to be drunk. I think it's a mistake to leave it in the house. I would pour it away or if you really don't want to do that, tell him you've chucked it out and hide it in the loft or the garage. But honestly, I'd just throw it away.

I feel sorry for him - he'd had a lot of upheaval to deal with and he must be bored witless being stuck in a rural area, not being able to see his friends easily.

Does he have any activities or clubs after school or at weekends where he can hang out with his mates? Or can you switch your activities to being ones where he can be dropped at a club or with his friends while you're out?

If he says he feels pressure from you, whether you think you pressure him or not, he’s telling you he feels it so you should validate his feelings.

As regards to the drinks that are left, get rid of them.

Drinking alone as a teenager is a definite problem. I think I’d be tempted to be stronger about suggesting counselling and be open to attending as a family as well as for him to attend his own sessions.

Does his school have a counsellor? I would be talking to school to alert them and see if he can see the counsellor. My DD got drunk at 14 in the park with friends and got brought back by the ambulance service. Social services later called and gave us some info - I’ll see if so can dig it out. We haven’t had a repeat experience but she does see the counsellor for a health issue and its effects.

As others have said, please take this seriously. My Ds started drinking at a similar age. He was a very clever boy with a great circle of friends, became head boy of a high achieving school, got 3 A* and went to an excellent university to study Law. However he also had a parallel life that involved drugs, declining MH and we all went through a living hell for several years. I acted promptly from the first instance, got camhs involved, drug counselling, the school ( who never really took it seriously because he as such a high achieving student) and we showed nothing but love and support.
I seriously feared he would end his life on several occasions. He also said that he felt a huge pressure to achieve in school, again something we did not feel, but he did.
I think this is a cry for help from your son, please take it seriously. I am shocked that you have sent him to school today. Please get outside help and support for your son and yourself.

He’s told you he’s feeling depressed and he’s under pressure.

I would get rid of alcohol in the house and I would stop drinking for now. I was brought up with the messages of ‘I need a drink after that day’ etc and it took years to get out of that mindset

Definitely get rid of all booze. This not normal for a 14 yo. At that age it’s usually a couple of ciders with friends down the park

apologies if this isn’t the case but you come across as dismissive of what he is saying

he don’t see the point of life is dismissed as not suicidal - what actually brings you to that conclusion

he feels under pressure - you can’t see why and he has less pressure than you

the reasons he may feel isolated are finished as something in part in one sentence and not expanded upon

and he is left alone twice a week with no support is dismissed as well he isn’t really a child and the events aren’t for him

He has told you he is depressed feeling the pressure an generally unhappy so what are you doing about it?

The drinking is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. As others have said, listen to what he is telling you. He is making it clear he is struggling mentally. You are lucky he is talking and being honest with you.
If you don't take this seriously his issues will grow. Please consult with professionals (your GP would be a good place to start, thwy can signpost and make referals ). Don't wait for him to want to access help, he won't. It's your job to help him and make this accessible to him.

As others have suggested, get rid of all the alcohol in your house. Make it hard for him to access booze. If you aren't prepared to do this take a good look at your own drinking habits give it to someone else to hold for you. Your son is more important than the contents of your drinks cabinet.