Teen secretly drinking - where do I go for help?

[lilacmamacat]

This is the short version: My OH and I came in from various hobbies last night to find our 14yo DS had drunk an entire bottle of prosecco while we were out and was completely drunk and incoherent. This is bad enough, but having gone through his room today, we've found empty alcohol bottles hidden in his room.

I am completely horrified. As well as underage drinking, there is the fact that he seems to have been doing this for a while and can no longer be trusted (either when left alone at home or when going out with friends). I have no idea how to start resolving this and who to ask for help.

Has anyone else had this issue and who did you get help from? I'm thinking charities, teen organisations, counselling, and the like.

We're going to talk to him once he's back from school but I'm dubious that this situation will be an easy fix.

Tip the drinks away, cut down on the number of nights you're out doing hobbies and spend more time with him!

He sounds depressed OP and that probably won't get better on it's own. You need to get him to the GP, continue with some gentle persuasion or even bribery if there's something high value to him that you can 'reward' him with - a trip somewhere maybe?

Get all the alcohol out of your house for the time being at least. Can you facilitate him having friends round more or getting out and about a bit more? These cold dark wet days don't help if you're feeling down but being outside and a bit of fresh air can be helpful. Would he and dad be able to start doing some hiking or park run together? It's sometimes easier for teens to talk in a side by side activity. Does dad have any hobbies he can involve your son in - fishing/golf/car maintenance/gym?

Finally, he may be feeling academic pressure even though you don't feel you're applying it - just having parents who are well educated and education oriented might be enough to make him feel inadequate. Teenagers are often highly critical of themselves internally while appearing confident on the outside. Esse off on the college/uni/exam talk for now and encourage other activities alongside school work. My youngest is a drummer and this was a great stressbuster during revision and exam time, a physical workout and a switch off mentally from exam prep!

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/ do excellent work locally with some of our students.

I know this is very shocking for you and I have the utmost sympathy for you and your son, but as others have said you do sound as thought you are angry with your son, rather than worried. It is not a case of him betraying your trust. This behaviour is a cry for help, and it is up to you as his parents to find out the cause for this.
He is unlikely to want counselling , but you are the adults and you should ensure that this happens for him.
There were times when I was furious with my son, but we showed him constant love and support without condoling his behavior ( I am in NO way saying I am a fantastic parent, I have made many mistakes, I am just saying what I felt worked in our situation)
Another slightly left field suggestion... Have you got a dog? We have always had dogs and even when things were really difficult at home the dog was a common interest/love for us all, and also a huge source of companionship and love for my ds. If your son is lonely it might be something worth thinking about, give him something to care for and love.

Not wanting to engage with counselling can be because he wants to avoid talking about whatever is causing the problem. Or he could be scared to talk about it in case he feels it will upset you or his dad if the counsellor tells you. If he’s not ready for counselling he can look at websites like Kooth and talk with counsellors online via chat. It may feel remote enough for him to feel comfortable with.

https://www.kooth.com/

Research counselling for teens and what it entails incl confidentiality so he feels reassured because it may be the unknown is scaring him.

This seems to me like a cry for help. I started going to pubs at 14, but I would never have drunk by myself.
I would not leave him alone, and I would pour away all of the alcohol in the house, and only buy what I intend to drink that same day.
14 is still young, and I think he needs some help to manage these big feelings he is having. I find that talking to teens is done best when the pressure is off a bit, so go for a drive or walk to the dog, rather than staring at each other.

Try Kooth.

And get the Nosecco in the house instead and some alcohol free beers in. Lead by example that alcohol isn't really a necessity in life and tackling the root of his problems is what matters here.

Make sure you tell him you're proud of him no matter what his grades, as long as he does his best. That you love him regardless.

Start sharing time together as a family. This is important with teenagers.

Haha you beat me to it. Was just about to post up the link😂

I would suggest that you step up
the response quite a bit.

Pour away all alcohol, and if / when you have some in your house again, think very carefully about what behaviour around drink you are modelling - to unwind? To blot out something unpleasant? As a reward? As a nice-tasting accompaniment to a meal, at the level of a single glass?

Drop any activities that take both parents out of the house . Replace them very deliberately with time together doing something- dog walking, swimming, gaming, watching your favourite shows, cooking, visiting friends, watching sport etc etc.

Make some form of ‘talking to someone’ (Kooth is a very good suggestion) non-negotiable in return for something he wants - phone paid for; concert or sport tickets.

Think about screen time limits and check parental controls.

Really, really invest in high quality time alongside one another, doing interesting things and connecting with real people. What are your plans for half term? It’s an excellent opportunity for more time together and to make arrangements for him to spend time with friends. Not time to ‘talk seriously’, time to ‘do stuff and develop interests’.

You should, if you can, make school aware. They can keep a monitoring eye on him, and may pick up additional signs there that not all is well. Send a confidential e-mail to the pastoral te.

There was a really interesting programme on Radio 4 last night about women who became ‘functioning alcoholics’ to deal with pain / undiagnosed ADHD / feelings of social inadequacy. May be worth a listen, as they talked about how the alcohol was a symptom, not the underlying problem.

You need to start facilitating him to hang out with his friends at least twice a week. You and your DH can take it in turns to drive hoim there.

I imagine you are going to have been thrown by this. You’ve been kicked out of the world of children and into proper teenagers/young adults stuff.
Your trust will collapse but it will come back in time. Id try and empathise that your son is feeling crap at the moment. As in listen and say that must be crap . But that you know he will be fine NO MATTER what he thinks. I know this may feel hard but he needs to see that you are ok and you know ‘it’ will be ok.
If he won’t talk to someone (totally normal) then go to the doctor yourself and get some advice. You and he can do this ..

He may be relieved you know. Be around home though , I think that’s wise.