Would I be stupid to finally divorce?

[Polyestered]

Very long background so will try and keep it brief and not drip feed.

my marriage has never been great, married 11 years but 2 very small children. Fundamentally I just made the wrong choice. I had no idea what to look for in a partner and choosing my husband has been the biggest regret of my life.

we have had therapy off and on for the last couple of years and I thought we had come a long way, but in essence he will never change. He has improved massively but he was starting from such a low bar, even tho he is much better now, I don’t think things are ever going to work.

main issues are his anger. He storms about/ slams doors, shouts at me and the children. I have tried every trick in the book to manage this but ultimately I can’t change him. He feels his anger is justified and deep seated due to other relationship issues (he feels I don’t respect him- which is true because he acts like a toddler a lot of the time, altho I always remain civil and respectful and never undermine him, he feels I am cold and distant)

He regrets having children, feels trapped etc. he has quite the victim mindset.

again, I could write paragraphs on this and I’m sure a lot of it is my fault too. But genuinely, I feel he is far more the problem.

example- he was grumpy all day yesterday, I spent the morning helping him do a chore he wanted to achieve whilst also managing the children and letting him “get on” then I took the children out in the afternoon so he could have head space/ quiet. I admit the house was a mess with toys the children had emptied boxes, but I had acknowledged that and told him I would clean it when I got back about 3pm. we got home, and he was storming about shouting and being short tempered, and then after several attempts to extend an olive branch and reset the tone, I had to tell him to stop and prevent him from having a go at the kids, so we had a massive argument. He was annoyed because he had to pick up the kids toys (which I do everyday) and then turned the whole thing into a “our life is so impeded by the children, they are such a drain” rant.

I just can’t live like this. I can’t live with someone who gets angry at everyday life, and then vents his anger at me, and then resents me for having my guard up. I have told him all this time and time again.

however I am scared. What if I regret it? How do I make a start? Is this the right decision? He contributes a lot to the household, I will struggle without him. Finances will be awful (I do work but I stupidly took a 5 year career break to follow his job around)

im scared as I have 2 tiny children. Im scared because of money. I won’t be able to provide my children with luxuries. Im scared because I don’t think our house will sell quickly, I can’t afford the bills on my own. I’m scared because I know he will be vicious and angry and make my life difficult. What do I do?

Living in that environment must be awful for your children and you.

I grew up in a far worse environment. He is a milder version of my dad and I’m aware of why I subconsciously entered into this. I’ve done a lot of work on myself since and of course I don’t want to teach this to my daughter.

im just so scared of being solely responsible for my children. What do you do if you can’t afford the family home but it won’t sell? What if he gets 50/50? I just don’t know what the least worst option is. Divorce is no piece of pie and I could be fucking up my children’s lives worse than staying.

I have no one to talk to. No support in real life. I’m sitting here sobbing. Please someone just be there. Please.

Whatever struggles you will have they will be easier than what you’re putting up with now, I know this because I was a single mum to 2 under 3 one was newborn and I was on unpaid mat leave from my very part time job.
I ended up on benefits a few years, and then went to college and uni before getting into a middle earning professional role, I’d never worked anything other than crappy retail and entry level admin jobs before then.
It wasn’t easy but you can do it. I regret staying as long as I did.

You will be happier with two young children than two young children and a man child.

He resents the children for being a drain? FFS. Can he hear himself?

Life will be so much more pleasant without the constant stepping on eggshells and appeasing this man child. He won't want 50:50 if he truly believes the kids are spoiling his life. You'll cope and you won't have to manage his moods every day.

I think you need a strategy to try to deal with this as calmly as possible. I would sit him down when they're in bed and say you realise how unhappy he is (with examples of what he dislikes and how he shows this if necessary) and that he may prefer a life with you separated and see what he has to say. It will help to think about possible responses from him and what you'll then say and do in each scenario.

Please confide in someone in real life, whether that's a friend, sibling or parent, etc. You'll probably find that someone close to you has realised what's going on and will support you.

Your kids will be happier than living with two unhappy parents, one of whom resents them. Believe it, they will sense how he feels.

He won’t go for 50:50, and even if he did, in reality he won’t see it through because it would be WAY too much effort. He’ll replace you with a child-free model and never look back.

You will be skint, but you’ll have peace - and your children will grow up in a stress free home. In due course you’ll reignite your career and your financial situation will improve.

Be brave!

I have spoken to him, time and time and time again. I’ve given him the option of doing pretty much whatever he needs - eg working abroad if he didn’t want a divorce (his career facilitates this option easily) but he says he wants to be here, but then we go round in circles. He admits fault, says he is sorry, writes cards/buys flowers and then the whole cycle starts again.

he is a good dad most of the time, and the children benefit enormously from having him in their lives. Without him, our quality of life would dip massively. I suppose I feel guilt in taking that away from the children.

You won't regret leaving this marriage. Stay strong.

Leave for everyone's sake.

Does anyone know if he would have to contribute to the mortgage if the house takes a while to sell? Even if he moves out? He far out earns me

How on earth is he a good dad most of the time when he makes it clear how he really feels? What “good dad” behaviour do you see?

Lifestyle will take a dip, only you know if that means cutting ballet or struggling to eat. You need to do some planning before you pull the trigger. What money do you have coming in, check if you’d be entitled to benefits, what childcare do you have that allows you to work, what support system do you have for the kids eg if they’re sick or you’re sick.

It’s easy to say you need to go now, but you’ve been living with this for a while and doing some planning might help you feel more confident when you do make the decision. He might get 50:50, so think about how that might work for you, also think how it might be if he walked away from the kids, that’s just as likely.

There is a way out of this, you’ll need to be strong and determined to make a better life for yourself but you’ve can do it. And think how much more energy you’ll have when you’re not trying to accommodate his nonsense.

Don't worry about the finances.
It will all get sorted during the divorce.
Just go ahead and file for divorce.

If you think there is any chance whatsoever that he will get violent, consider moving yourself and the children out - to a rented place, or to stay with your family. Then do the divorce from a distance and wait for your share of the equity.

If you decide to stay put, don't hesitate to call the police if he turns violent.

To answer your specific question, I am not an expert, but if the mortgage has his name on it he would be an absolute fool not to keep paying, because if he defaults it is his credit rating on the line. He will know this.

Perhaps it’s time to get legal and financial advice so you can make an informed decision. You e spent a lot of time appeasing him, it makes no difference. Whatever you do it’s not good enough. You had the kids most of the day yesterday and he was still abusive towards you and them.

you can’t solve this. You need to know your options.

Yes, the expectation is that all parties on the mortgage agreement contribute to the payments as they are joint and severally liable. You would have to inform your mortgage provider and be very clear about the situation.

I've been there. I'm still in a shit financial situation and yet I've NEVER regretted leaving. As I see it, you have a choice between a bad option (leaving and facing difficulties) and a terrible one (staying). I chose the bad one and everything is so much better!

Plan for divorce. If you can, save money on a separate account, or transfer half the savings to your name. You need money to pay for a good lawyer (so you get a good deal). And start documenting his behaviour!! Every temper tantrum, every aggressive thing he calls you, day, time, etc. And most important, aggressive behaviour towards the kids. It will help you keep the kids more than 50/50. And it may help prove abuse.

In the meantime, stop complaining and talking of divorce.

Go see a solicitor to check about the financial stuff op. No one can realistically answer that here.

Also why would you stay with this man? He sounds horrible…

Get out and don't look back. You will not regret it. And, please don't kid yourself that he is a "good dad" and stay for the kids. However, like others have said, get legal and financial advice and do this in the most sensible way possible to minimize the impact on the kids. Things will be awful for a while, but then the relief will come and after that complete and utter joy for not having to be around an angry resentful person with a victimhood mentality. Good luck.

Oh, OP, you poor thing.

I'm 45 and I've been where you are. My biggest regret in life is not leaving earlier.

I can guarantee 100% that you will not regret ending this relationship. It's an extremely toxic relationship for your children to be growing up in. It won't take them long before they figure out he resents them. I understand you are worried about what your future might look like, but write a list and share it on here about what worries you the most. I am sure the lovely women on this forum can offer practical help and advice and give life experiences to help you view a life without him, is a million times better than the one you have with him.

The definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same things and expect them to change. They won't, so you must.
Single parenting is hard no doubt, but this man is toxic, bullying and is affecting the dc adversely. He could easily be causing them (and you) long term issues you can do without.
Leave him, life goes on and will get better. Be mindful and guarded in your choice of partner in the future.
Good luck 🙏

Life is too short to put up with this OP.

You are experiencing domestic abuse and coercive control. The NSPCC determines that your children are also experiencing domestic abuse if they see, hear and sense his anger, rage and actions towards you.

Children are terrified in these situations. They have no ability to rationalise and experience physiological trauma as they internalise what they see hear and feel.

Your DC will also be destabilised emotionally because they not only have one scary adult under their roof 24/7 the only other adult (you, understandably) is emotionally not fully available to meet their needs as you are understandably preoccupied with survival, hyper vigilance, fear, fawning around a very angry man. He could turn physically violent in an instant but currently his emotional violence is directly and indirectly impacting your young childrens emotional development. They will become anxious in this environment, develop behavioural issues as they grow and embed chronic possibly lifelong emotional or intractable MH issues throughout their teenage years and into young adulthood. The first 3 years of development are critical.

Make the decision in your head that you will do the very best for your DC emotional development and resilience and what they are exposed to every day and how they experience you in every moment as calm, secure, stable or anxious, fearful, stressed will determine their path.

No need for big announcements or dramatic changes right now (unless you sense danger).

Start your research. Break it down. Do a little every day. It’s like boiling the frog. In a few months you will have done all your homework and know when to pull the trigger - when you have everything set up and you are all safe.

Seek professional support for the domestic abuse to support you emotionally and physically. Seek legal insights and develop a safety plan wit professionals and assume his behaviour will escalate when you separate. My understanding is that you may have access to emergency accommodation due to DA. Log everything past and present - with evidence if possible.

You have taken a massive positive first step posting here. There is no straight line or deadline. The average victim leaves the perpetrator 7 times before the final time. Please take care of yourself and have a simple goal that a peaceful home with an attuned parent is essential