Would I be stupid to finally divorce?

[Polyestered]

Very long background so will try and keep it brief and not drip feed.

my marriage has never been great, married 11 years but 2 very small children. Fundamentally I just made the wrong choice. I had no idea what to look for in a partner and choosing my husband has been the biggest regret of my life.

we have had therapy off and on for the last couple of years and I thought we had come a long way, but in essence he will never change. He has improved massively but he was starting from such a low bar, even tho he is much better now, I don’t think things are ever going to work.

main issues are his anger. He storms about/ slams doors, shouts at me and the children. I have tried every trick in the book to manage this but ultimately I can’t change him. He feels his anger is justified and deep seated due to other relationship issues (he feels I don’t respect him- which is true because he acts like a toddler a lot of the time, altho I always remain civil and respectful and never undermine him, he feels I am cold and distant)

He regrets having children, feels trapped etc. he has quite the victim mindset.

again, I could write paragraphs on this and I’m sure a lot of it is my fault too. But genuinely, I feel he is far more the problem.

example- he was grumpy all day yesterday, I spent the morning helping him do a chore he wanted to achieve whilst also managing the children and letting him “get on” then I took the children out in the afternoon so he could have head space/ quiet. I admit the house was a mess with toys the children had emptied boxes, but I had acknowledged that and told him I would clean it when I got back about 3pm. we got home, and he was storming about shouting and being short tempered, and then after several attempts to extend an olive branch and reset the tone, I had to tell him to stop and prevent him from having a go at the kids, so we had a massive argument. He was annoyed because he had to pick up the kids toys (which I do everyday) and then turned the whole thing into a “our life is so impeded by the children, they are such a drain” rant.

I just can’t live like this. I can’t live with someone who gets angry at everyday life, and then vents his anger at me, and then resents me for having my guard up. I have told him all this time and time again.

however I am scared. What if I regret it? How do I make a start? Is this the right decision? He contributes a lot to the household, I will struggle without him. Finances will be awful (I do work but I stupidly took a 5 year career break to follow his job around)

im scared as I have 2 tiny children. Im scared because of money. I won’t be able to provide my children with luxuries. Im scared because I don’t think our house will sell quickly, I can’t afford the bills on my own. I’m scared because I know he will be vicious and angry and make my life difficult. What do I do?

Reasonably speaking will he even want 50/50? He thinks the children are a drain

You sound so uncertain at this point.
You use the word "scared" an awful lot.
Your DH isn't jumping at the chance of freedom from you and the DCs.

He complains about them, and the mess etc... which is miserable for you all.

You say you and DH "have had therapy off and on for the last couple of years and I thought we had come a long way, but in essence he will never change. He has improved massively" ...

DH was willing to try therapy.

A lot of partners won't even try.

What if you were able to find a really good therapist, and really commit yourselves to going regularly, not just "on and off for a couple of years"

That doesn't sound as if you really want the therapy to make things better.

I doubt that any therapist will throw in the towel and say about your DH:
"even tho he is much better now, I don’t think things are ever going to work."

Like you have said in those very words OP.

I get that your DH is a real misery to be with and around, but you don't sound as if you've had enough professional help, which no doubt you both really need.

You say that: "I grew up in a far worse environment. He is a milder version of my dad "..... so you need this therapy as well.

Even if you end up divorced, you should still get your past issues resolved, as it will colour your life forever.
Just ask anyone who has suffered mental or physical abuse as a child.

If you don't want to stay married, then you'll have to take the advice of most of the posters; pack your fears away, and "get your ducks in a row".
Best of luck to you OP.

That sounds like a miserable home, even with you bending over backwards to make things easier for him. I think you'd be happier divorced. Get some legal advice, it may provide some reassurance around the financial situation. Don't worry about luxuries, they don't make children happy, they certainly don't make up for growing up around a father who resents them and is emotionally abusive.

Sounds EXACTLY like my exh. I wanted to leave for years and even wished he'd hit me so I had some obvious abuse to use as the reason for the divorce - ultimately I ended up sabotaging things in a very messy way which led to an extremely acrimonious divorce. I always wish I'd had the courage to make a clean break and get away from him without forcing myself to be pushed!

We share my DD 50:50 and it took an adjustment but is now fine for the most part. He's actually a much better dad now as he gets a lot of child free time (which he resented not having enough of when we were together, despite me taking the brunt of all the parenting duties to try to minimise his stroppiness) and so feels refreshed and enthusiastic when she's with him.

Good luck

He will probs start off that way to punish OP emotionally and financially….but he won’t be able to keep it up and it will be back to court to renegotiate - so pace yourself OP it’s a long winding and changing road. Take care of yourself so you can withstand the bumps and twists as turns

@Polyestered

The only way for you to get accurate answers to your questions is to see a solicitor. Get together a picture of family finances; incomes, investments, bank balances, household bills, mortgage. Then write down a list of your questions and make an appointment. Do this quietly and say nothing after you've done it. If possible, take a trusted friend or relative with you to act as a 2nd pair of ears. You need to educate yourself as to what a divorce may mean to you. Each divorce is different and what happened in one person's divorce may not happen in yours. Once you understand the likely outcome of a divorce you can put that aspect aside and concentrate on the actualities of getting out. Because you do need to get out, for your children's sake.

The main thing that stops us from leaving is the big scary 'unknown'. So being able to eliminate or at least reduce the financial anxiety is huge. But remember, you may not be able to have/keep everything you want. The house may be sold if you can't buy him out or you can't afford the bills. Your lifestyle may drop a notch. But buying your DC 'luxuries' means nothing if they live in a home full of strife where they are shouted at and see their mother disrespected. And constant shouting is abusive. You know yourself your own 'result' from growing up in such a home. You have repeated the cycle but it is not too late to break it now.

If you haven't spoken to someone IRL, please do. Find a friend or relative that you know will keep your confidences and tell them you want out. Let them be your shoulder to lean on. They don't have to live nearby, phone calls can do wonders.

And if you know someone who can offer you temporary shelter whilst you get sorted, talk to them once you have a plan. Because chances are that your H will not voluntarily leave the house. Nor does he have to if it is jointly unknown.

But take this one step at a time. First and soon, see a solicitor.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint. But you can do this.

Without him, our quality of life would dip massively

Financially, may be. Emotionally? No.

I grew up in a far worse environment. He is a milder version of my dad and I’m aware of why I subconsciously entered into this. I’ve done a lot of work on myself since and of course I don’t want to teach this to my daughter.

Every day you stay you are teaching your children this is normal. It is not normal.

Eventually you’ll need to seek legal advice, but here are some practical resources to help you get yourself sorted:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites