To be absolutely exasperated with my teens

[Tresyl]

I have 2 teen boys,. They will be turning 15 and 14 soon. They spend all there time in their shared room on a screen. It's the eldest I'm most worried about. Eldest barely talks and if I ask a question, he answers in an inaudible tone. He doesn't talk to us or his brother. He is falling behind in school and nowhere his predicted grades. I have no idea if he's working. If I enter his room he gets annoyed and leaves.

If I take him to family gatherings, not extended family, these are his first cousins who he used to take to, but now he just sits there looking down covering his face. Ppl ask me whats the matter with him.i don't even know what to say. Its embarrassing.

I've asked him so many times if he's feeling okay, is something happening at school, outside or at home. He keeps saying he's fine and to leave him alone.

He's stopped his football club and he used to go swimming and the gym but not anymore. He has no interests outside of the house.

I feel like taking all the screens off them but I know they will go mad.

What do I do? I am at the end of my tether and so worried about him. I feel he's not going to be able to develop the social skills to function in the real world.

You clearly know the answer. Get them offline. Don't force other activities. They will ask/find them once the internet is gone. Or they will be bored. That's good for kids too.

Its hard when homework is online. My youngest will say she is doing homework when clearly on her phone on a game etc.
But your son is falling behind at school sound like both academically and socially. So it sounds like he needs more supervision with homework
Our rule is generally no gaming until.homework done, rooms tidy (ish) and musical instruments practised.
No gaming after dinner (unless we've eaten much earlier) and no phones an hour before bed
They watch tv, read, do activities like the gym, cycling, running etc as well as guides. Running could be with a friend or parent at a time to suit. You need to find activities your ds wants to do and build from there
I wonder if your son is gaming until late and lack of sleep isnt helping alongside the addiction to a screen

I had a colleague who had the same issue with her young teenage son. Then last summer her Mum was desperately ill and they went up North for a month to support her and organise care. She lived in a remote rural location with almost no decent WiFi connection. After a week colleague felt she'd got her son back! Once home she imposed the 2 hour limit rule and turns it off when time is up. He's gone back to socialising and things for now are good.

Is the dad around? How about a weekend camping just the two of them? Do some fishing, lighting a fire to cook on or whatever. No agenda just doing something together outdoorsy. This may give him the opportunity to talk- but it shouldn’t be pushed. I know the weather is terrible right now but maybe even a mini break abroad?
My older sister was ill with anorexia and my father, who she was close to, took her away for a week. They visited a few relatives abroad, went to the theatre, just did a few things together. It seemed to do something - she did get better afterwards.
Many kids are fairly addicted to gaming or online activities but yours seems to be not just that but totally withdrawn. Taking him out of his environment totally for a few days might help deal with what’s really going on.

Everybody is assuming that the unlimited screen time is indisputably the only problem here, AND that the best way to help your young adult son is for you to impose limits for him, as you would a five year old.

I would suggested two things:

• his level of social withdrawal and the change in his behaviour seems very extreme. I would personally be looking for other possible causes than screen addiction. It's all too easy to assume it's that - posters seem to feel totally confident in this diagnosis based on reading a short post on the internet. But if it was my child I would want to dig a little deeper.
• if he IS suffering from an addition n to screenss/gaming, HE needs to understand this and how to limit it. Otherwise all you are doing is delaying the problem.

Rather than making an assumption and then imposing new rules based on this, I think it's important to find a way to talk to your son, and understand what is happening from his perspective. Otherwise he will simply see you as the enemy. Which won't help his emotional intelligence and well-being any.

And my goal would be to raise a young adult who had insight into their own behaviours, and was able to impose limits for themselves. After all, we aren't talking about a five year old here. 15 is well on the way to adulthood....