To be absolutely exasperated with my teens

[Tresyl]

I have 2 teen boys,. They will be turning 15 and 14 soon. They spend all there time in their shared room on a screen. It's the eldest I'm most worried about. Eldest barely talks and if I ask a question, he answers in an inaudible tone. He doesn't talk to us or his brother. He is falling behind in school and nowhere his predicted grades. I have no idea if he's working. If I enter his room he gets annoyed and leaves.

If I take him to family gatherings, not extended family, these are his first cousins who he used to take to, but now he just sits there looking down covering his face. Ppl ask me whats the matter with him.i don't even know what to say. Its embarrassing.

I've asked him so many times if he's feeling okay, is something happening at school, outside or at home. He keeps saying he's fine and to leave him alone.

He's stopped his football club and he used to go swimming and the gym but not anymore. He has no interests outside of the house.

I feel like taking all the screens off them but I know they will go mad.

What do I do? I am at the end of my tether and so worried about him. I feel he's not going to be able to develop the social skills to function in the real world.

@lechatnoir yesz we did have limits but it's kind of all got messed up as I've been juggling others balls that life has thrown my way.

Was your son resistant to the reduction in screen time? Did he adjust to it well?

It’s difficult but you have to limit screen time.
I think you also have to insist on them getting out of the house - we have a dog so make our teen walk him at least once on a weekend. Take them for a swim, make them go for a walk or to kick a ball around.
I also think family time is important, have dinner together most nights, watch a film together or find a series for you all to get into.
It is normal for teens to be sullen and not enjoy family gatherings but I would put my foot down about rude behaviour, saying hello at least is a minimum requirement.

Re screen time, I have 11 and 14 year old DDs. The youngest is limited to 3h a day screen time and locked from 8pm-7am - she goes on it a bit in the morning if she wakes up early (usually not), and then a bit between coming home from school and dinner, then with dinner, homework and shower etc she probably gets another 30 mins before bedtime. Weekends we allow a bit more but she’s never allowed on her iPad all day.

Eldest has no limits but it’s locked 10pm-7am, she’s quite good tbf and isn’t on it much on a weekday, mostly on the bus home from school. She is not allowed her phone at school.

Nobody is allowed screens at the dinner table.

They never socialise with friends?

Would you consider a dog?

Could they each cook one family dinner a week?

You are avoiding any suggestion of limiting screen time which is patently very needed

Chores - at 14 and 15 they should be keeping their own room tidy, including hoovering and changing bedding. Also on top of that I would get them to do things like the dishwasher/ washing up and hoovering the rest of the house, making dinner once a week - start off with one chore a week each and see how that goes.

Yes, that's totally reasonable.

Is their dad in the picture - I was wondering whether your eldest is better behaved with him.

How about the junior session at a gym?

You say that they don't want to do any clubs but could you not tell them that they needs at least one hobby and give suggestions as long as they are within your budget.
E.g. could be gym, martial arts, chess club, lessons on an instrument whatever.
Perhaps they don't want to join any clubs because they would rather spend the time on the screens so just need to be told that they need to do one and they will probably enjoy it when they go.

Home work downstairs. They do play with you on this one.My dd used to. She laughs about it now.

Don’t they have friends? You’re not answering this.

You just answered your own question.

They dont want to do anything because they have the screens. Take them. Completely take them all. They are damaging your children. And then have them decide how they want to fill their time.

Homework downstairs. Books at bedtime.

OP I have a 15 yo daughter. She has a phone and a PlayStation. I have noticed a significant difference in her personality when limits are in place. She was grounded recently, so not allowed either things, and she was a new person. You need to impose screen limits asap. It’s not healthy for starters them being locked away in their rooms with access to things you aren’t aware of. My daughter’s phone has a limit between 8pm and 7am. We have something on her phone which means if she wants to download anything we get to confirm if she can download it. The websites she can use on her phone are all school related. She can’t use the chat feature on any games etc. and actually she’s a nicer person for it. Before she would become lately addicted, wouldn’t shower, could do anything and the arguments were phenomenal. She now has a good balance but even now sometimes she needs to be told

Are they happy sharing a room? Do you have any scope to divide the room in two or move things around so they have their own individual space?

I'd wonder if he's exhausted from the demands of the school day and really just needs a break / time alone. School seems to become more demanding over the years, I'm very pleased not to be a child anymore.

If there is stuff going on for him he may want to talk about it with somebody who isn't you - does he have contact details for trusted family adults? Does he know who he could to talk to at school?

Also consider helping him see a GP - he could be anaemic / have some other physical health problem. Is he eating ok? Body image stuff more usually affects girls but does affect boys too and may be why he doesn't want to go to the gym any more.

Is he getting enough sleep?

Keep in the back of your head that he's in the age group where some people experience psychosis for the first time. It's most unlikely to be that.

My dd is completely addicted to her screens.

She dilutes it with:

DofE - your kids are a good age for this they could join together. Would they like it? You have to do a skill and a sport and some volunteering (6 months of the year) as well as a weekly club where they plan hiking skills (map reading, cooking first aid etc).

Reading books (admittedly sometimes on her iPad!)

Caring for her pets - she has her own rabbits outside in a big enclosure which needs cleaning and feeding - she does the whole lot herself.

Martial arts - it’s quite an informal club but it uses up three hours a week

chores , a few a day

Also we always watch a series together once a week- eg The Apprentice or Race Across the World where we both put phones down.

If her grades were slipping and she was withdrawn I’d look into it with really urgency. Sounds like something is deeply wrong - addicted/ doom scrolling depression or possibly worse (bullying or some kind of abuse online, or a porn havbit?)

OP, I know it's hard to impose limits. But it will only get harder as they get older, and you'll look back and wish you'd done it now. My 16yo DS does his homework, plays football, plays in a band, and meets up with his friends to play padel. When he is having screen time he's sometimes gaming with his friends, which I think is better than playing solo as at least there is a social element (they chat over their headphones).

Is it screens or something else? Could you take your eldest to your GP?

What reasons did he give for stopping football, swimming, and the gym?

I think you're right to be worried about him, and the influence on DS2.
In your shoes I think i would explain to them that they have become used to too much screen time, and you are going to gradually cut it down. Definitely homework needs to be downstairs where yoh can see it, help, talk about it.

It sounds like it has gone quite far so I would be prepared to dig in and accept it will take time.

Is there a man in their lives who can help, take them out to play 5 a side or something - uncle , cousin?

They don’t want to do it when the addition the screens has them in it’s grip.

take the screens away.

first they will be bored. Then they will
look for other activities. They may need hand holding through this, depending how long it’s been going on for and what they’ve been like in the past.

It doesn’t have to be sport;

school high priority for GSCE ages.
Get a job in a cafe
walk a neighbours dog
Join scouts or cadets
build something in the garden
code a robot (I am of the view that constructive screen time is fine)
batch cooking
baking
bike rides
gym

My DS was exactly like you've described and I was at my wits end. My dh always wanted more sports to try and keep him on track but it was like getting blood from a stone. It's an age where it's nigh on impossible to suddenly force their hand. He was constantly gaming, hauled up in his room, uncommunicative, hated school etc. Admittedly, academically things didn't improve massively. He did ok. However, now at 19 he regrets not knuckling down more (typical!) but knows there was pretty much nothing we could do to make it happen at the time. All of a sudden, it almost felt like overnight, the gaming just stopped. He had barely any interest and now plays a few times a week briefly but no big interest. Instead, he's obsessed with everything active - the gym, hiking, padel, golf and hates being indoors. Very communicative and has good relationships around him. He is away at uni but still calls me every day. Part time job since 16 etc. Things can change - it's a really awkward time for a lot of boys. Sometimes I wonder if I could have been firmer but we did genuinely try all options and he was like an immovable force. Nothing we ever did, no amount of insisting, no punishment would ever work with him. I think he needed to learn from his own lessons. Keep positive - it can turn around!

Op - your kids will be ‘resistant’ but it’s your job as a parent to go through that if you want them to thrive. You can’t keep putting it off.

Hi OP, I understand your anxiety about 'what will they do if not on screens', as all of us have become over-dependent on them, but the reality is, they will survive, and you are not responsible for working that problem out for them.

My DC also don't do much sport or go out in the evenings, and I also had those feelings and thought I needed to find alternative things for them to do, but now I just tell them to switch off after a certain time, and let them deal with what happens next. If they say they're bored I just say 'Oh good, you can help me cook dinner/hoover/clear out the shed' and they soon disappear and find something to do, whether it's reading, drawing, making stuff, going through all their crap in their room to go to the charity shop/sell, play cards, listen to music or just lie on their beds and stare at the ceiling for all I care.

Boredom is important, it allows our minds to wander and spark ideas and creativity, or at the least, gives us some rest.
It sounds as though your eldest is unhappy, and stressed, and definitely needs some time away from screens, and if you set boundaries for him, it will be better for his mental health. Also, doing homework downstairs is a good idea.

Don't worry about what he will do when he can't go online - he needs to find that out for himself, and he'll work it out. Maybe he'll say yes to doing the washing up, unlike mine!

You need to set screen limits and boundaries. Screen hygiene! It will be really really hard but it may be an endless downward spiral of them withdrawing in favour of screens otherwise. I have no doubts that if I wasn't strict on screens I could lose mine into them for hours.

I have 14 and 16 yr olds. They have limited screen time via Family Link. I can see what they use their phones and laptops for and for how long. For the 14 yr old YouTube is also limited.

They often stay on at school for sports, extra revision sessions or play or concert rehearsals. So home by 5. Then we eat - always together, downstairs, no screens. If we are not going straight back out to a club then they help clear the table, wash up, empty school bags of stinky sports kit and mouldy lunch leftovers etc and put away shoes and coats properly. They take up their clean clothes and put them away and then often watch something on their phones before doing homework. Once homework is done they come downstairs and watch something like Traitors with us and we play cards or a board game. We always read together (independently but in tje same room) before bed. When it's lighter and better weather they will play with the dog in the garden or they both like to go out for a run listening to music.

They are both doing dofe so both volunteer 1 night a week and have their skill another. They both do sports/training a couple of nights a week too. At weekends they have matches or competitions too. The older one works 2 evenings in the week and 1 morning at the weekend. They are (deliberately) too busy to be on screens for hours.

Your DS needs bringing back into the real world, part stick and part carrot. You need to set limits on the devices and the wifi. You need to set expectations of behaviour and interactions and you need to create a situation in which the looming academic crisis is prioritised. Is he yr 11? It's only 12 weeks until GCSEs start!

My teens can be grumpy and moody and selfish. They need downtime and they need to be given space and time. However, I will not tolerate rudeness or unkindness. I will not allow them to behave badly towards others like relatives and I expect them to pitch in around the house and family to keep the house tidy, everyone fed and clean and ticking over.

Your ds sounds in a bad way and it could be the screens and helping him to withdraw and recover from them yields good results. It could be that there is more to his credentials stayed and it may he that you need to seek advice re his physical and mental health. Either way, screen addiction won't be helping and supporting him to break free will never be a bad thing.

Oh and chores mine do -

Bedrooms tidy, clean clothes away, beds made before school
Dirty washing and any glasses, plates etc downstairs before school
Dirty crockery and cutlery in dishwasher
Clean dishwasher emptied and put away every morning
Feed dog
Bathroom tidy, bath mat and towels hung up
They make their own packed lunches

All homework had to be done downstairs when mine were in school. And phones stayed on charge in the kitchen from 9 pm every night until they were in sixth form. When they came home from school, it would be snack, homework/revision and then helping to prepare dinner, filling/emptying the dishwasher, setting/clearing the table and then after dinner we would sometimes watch a programme together. Sometimes they would go upstairs and call their friends but come 9 pm the phones were back in the kitchen and they were getting ready for bed. Once they were in sixth form the deadline was 10 pm but until they were at university all tech stayed downstairs at night. If they made a fair argument, these rules were occasionally adapted slightly. But I started this routine while they were still young so I’m probably not being very helpful as yours are already mid-teens. I just think engaging them in the day today routines of family life is a good thing and that is probably not too late. If they want to eat, they have to help!