To be absolutely exasperated with my teens

[Tresyl]

I have 2 teen boys,. They will be turning 15 and 14 soon. They spend all there time in their shared room on a screen. It's the eldest I'm most worried about. Eldest barely talks and if I ask a question, he answers in an inaudible tone. He doesn't talk to us or his brother. He is falling behind in school and nowhere his predicted grades. I have no idea if he's working. If I enter his room he gets annoyed and leaves.

If I take him to family gatherings, not extended family, these are his first cousins who he used to take to, but now he just sits there looking down covering his face. Ppl ask me whats the matter with him.i don't even know what to say. Its embarrassing.

I've asked him so many times if he's feeling okay, is something happening at school, outside or at home. He keeps saying he's fine and to leave him alone.

He's stopped his football club and he used to go swimming and the gym but not anymore. He has no interests outside of the house.

I feel like taking all the screens off them but I know they will go mad.

What do I do? I am at the end of my tether and so worried about him. I feel he's not going to be able to develop the social skills to function in the real world.

Limit screens. The exposure to them for so long is harming their social development. 2 hrs a day only after chores, extra curriculars, homework

Definitely impose a screen limit. Turn the WiFi off after.

Does his younger sibling get on well with him?

Turn off the WiFi. Time for some tough love unfortunately. If he won't talk to you is there a teacher he feels comfortable with?? Would he talk to his doctor?? Sending hugs x its not an easy time x

Well I feel your pain in some ways because my DD would be chronically online if I let her. How much screen time are they actually having? What sort of overview do you have on what he’s actually doing online? I do think screens are doing something to teenage brains and general teenage grumpiness is exacerbated by them ( before you even get into what they’re watching ). I think some limits need to be imposed and you’re going to have to ride out the inevitable tantrums ( but I don’t have a 15 year old boy so that might be easier said than done ).

Goodness do you really not have any screen limits @Tresyl ??!

At least say that you take their phones over night??
and no phone use whilst at the table eating family meals?

Too late for you op, but I would take screens off any child starting to show signs of withdrawing from normal socialisation. His behaviour is quite worrying - I read recently of a boy who’d suffered ptsd from seeing a beheading video casually shown to him on a mobile phone at school.

Yes turn the wifi off. Yes they will go mad. Tough it out. They have to earn it back half an hour at a time. Give them some chores to do - get them out of the house - take them for a Greggs hot chocolate. Anything to get them away from the screen.

In the down times, try and talk to your son - gently, full attention and non judgementally. What are his thoughts for the future? What does he enjoy? What are his favourite games and why? Get him to open up.

I was v strict with screens and screen time until DC were probably 15 or so. Talked to them a lot about why; how it changes your brain and affects mental health. I relaxed when they were 15 with the understanding that if I was ever concerned about grades, not doing a healthy balance of other things, or declining mental health we would revisit. DS is 18 now and mostly at uni; in my view spends too much time online but to be fair, grades, friendship etc all the same. When DC are down I ask them to consider time and what they are doing online and do ask them / talk to them about what they do online and what I do online. Would try talking again: find out what they are doing and why you are concerned. It’s really hard: gaming addiction is a thing. Good luck

Ok so your kids come home from school at 3.30 - 4pm. Can you tell me that so they do from then till bedtime? How are they spending their time on weekends? Do you give them more screens on weekends?

And when ppl are saying choresz what chores are they doing on a school day / weekend.

Home at 4.30pm
quickly scoff food
sports club x2 a week from 5.30-7pm
hone for dinner
shower
homework until 9.30/10
then phone for an hour or so
then bed

on the three other days
home
walk dog - I say don’t come back for an hour!
and then as above

Also they say they are doing homework so need to be on the laptop but then it's been an hour and they still say they need to go on it but I have no idea if they do as I'm not sat there over their shoulder all the time. Should I say homework downstairs?

year 11

So they have no clubs and no dog!!

Also what about weekends?.

So they’re also doing badly at school?
never socialise with friends?

DS did homework and revision downstairs and avoided online homework as much as possible (easier when it’s revision) cos he knew he would get distracted. Computer lived in the living room for a long time too so I could see what they were doing.

@Tresyl when mine were that age it was home for a drink and a snack. Then homework or relax on playstation till dinner. Chores wise....kept their room tidy/ empty the bins. Look after their pets. Clean the house when it needed it. They are now 18 and 21 and still do the same

Sport all of Saturday morning
Home midday and EAT loads!! showers
kick back gaming for a couple of hours
then walk dog for an hour
then homework for a couple of hours
then gaming / tv
family dinner

same for Sunday but no sport - so they sleep in until about 11

OP, it is possible for two things to be true, simultaneously.
So whilst it's perfectly normal for a teenage boy to be uncommunicative (eg "Kevin the teenager") and just grunting, it's also perfectly normal for a parent to limit their exposure to screens. Other people here are giving you good advice.
Tbh, I think the biggest concern is that your son is falling behind in school - this is serious, and will affect his future. Have you made an appointment to speak to his form teacher/head of year/whoever? I think you need to be tackling this issue ASAP, along with the school.

Agree with PP: sport really helps. My DDs spend several hours over the weekend doing intense sport; out of the house, socialising and knackered when they get home. DS and DD2 pretty committed bakers and made stuff most weekends (not together). Everyone out of the house and moving their bodies once a day. DS didn’t do organised sport but cycled and walked to the shops to get milk or whatever.

They need to come to the dining table and have dinner with you and put their phones away at the table - every night.

what you describe @Tresyl is a teenager descending in to a mental health illness

I have spoken to the school and they feel they are giving him all the support he needs and it's up to him.

DS 16. Gets home at 4:15. Makes a large snack/small meal, chat to me and watch a bit of tv. Start homework/revision 5:30pm most weekdays for 1-1.5hrs. Plays guitar, talks to mates on phone, sometimes has Xbox for an hour if no/not much homework and takes a turn cooking one night and has football another. On other nights by 7pm I’ll call him down to help finish dinner prep, we’ll chat or he’ll play guitar downstairs and we eat c.7:30pm. Without so much screen time we’ve managed to extend our evening meal which has been lovely - we have a pack of cards & various games on the table or just chat then clearing up. Post dinner 8-10pm TV, more guitar or Xbox, gets ready for bed and will read in bed for about 20 mins most nights.

a couple of months ago he was coming in from school & bar about 15 minutes mealtime and max 1 hour homework, he was on his screen from 4-10pm most nights and wouldn’t dream of reading. I’m so embarrassed we let it get to that, but I know I’m far from alone and so pleased we’ve had a reset at the start of the year. Friday & Saturday he has free phone access 9am-9pm but isn’t on isn’t on it those days anywhere near as much as he used to be. Not sure what we’ll do about holidays yet but as he’s got exams soon after will probably have some limits albeit not as strict as weekdays.

We always eat dinner together and noone has screens at this time.

I think I need to bring them downstairs to do homework.

I need something else for them to replace the screens work. They don't want to do any clubs so that's not helping at all.