I'm so very worried about my son's weight gain and health

[Topoftherange]

I know I am going to be told that DS is an adult now and I need to let him do his own thing but I'm his mum, how can I not worry about him.

For quick context I have always believed he has asd (I have ADHD and DH has many in his family with asd). Amongst many, many other little things he would have regular almighty meltdowns which other people would not understand until they saw it for themselves (far from normal kids tantrums). I could only but make sure he was safe during that time and allow him to slowly come out from whatever he was going through. Anything could trigger this especially change of any kind. We had years of school anxiety/refusal during secondary school years because he found the transition from small primary to large secondary school very stressful, it was a very stressful time for all of us. School was of no help at all and eventually I found him a great counsellor who helped for a while. I also had him referred to a paediatrician who refused to acknowledge my asd concerns because ds is sociable (he always has been), he said this didn't fit in with an ASD criteria.

DS is 20 now. He has always been very tall and slim, he is around 6'3". However, since he left school, passed his driving test and had his own car he has put on so much weight. He goes out with his gf or friends every day and they eat crap. He never comes home for dinner anymore (I have always cooked homemade dinners and we eat at a normal time) and he now eats at very irregular times. His work is also his hobby so as soon as he knocks off work he goes to his lock up (he restores classic cars) and gets so engrossed that he forgets to eat a meal or will snack on crap and then has his main meal around 11pm (which usually something quick and junky).

A year ago he started to get some stomach pains and I advised him to go to the GP. A blood test revealed very high liver enzymes and the GP ordered a scan which has shown fatty liver disease, she advised he loses weight and to come back three months later, if the liver enzymes were still very high she would refer him to a liver specialist. Well, that news was like a touch light to a meltdown and ds went ballistic when he got home, shouting that he was going to die and he was never going to set foot at the doctor's again, he refused to go back, he said he'd lose the weight but hasn't and I can not even lightly suggest he goes back for another blood test as he shuts down and refuses to talk about it yet at the same time he has become obsessed about his health moving from one major health worry to another (every week it's a different health scare/worry). If no one mentions his liver issues or weight problem then he's ok and very happy but will continue to eat crap. He's very much in denial.

I am so worried about him. He has put on around 8 stone over the last 3 years and is now 18/19 stone. How can I not feel concern? He's my child even though he is an adult.

I have offered to cook dinner every day for him but he's so obsessed with working on cars he won't come home for dinner, I make his lunch every day so I know he's eating something healthy, I've offered to go to SW or WW with him he agrees but backs out at the last minute.

I know someone on here will tell me to back off and I really do, I am always mindful not to make a big issue of it so keep most of this concern to myself so not to push him away but the worry for his future health is plaguing me.

Is there anything I can do to prevent him damaging his health any further?

Hmmm so difficult OP, but he did say he would lose the weight.

If he may be ASD, do you think there is a possibility he could be motivated by nerdy statistics? I am 🤓

Getting a Garmin watch and scales, connected to Cronometer.com, has really changed my fitness journey this year. It's really addictive following data and trends.

Sorry to post this link but it saves me retyping!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/tech_tips_and_queries/5481685-fitness-watch

@Beachtastic that's a brilliant suggestion.
Might do this for gaming obsessed son Evo spends too much time sitting when he's not at work.
Who is also an adult ,

Thank you, I hope it works for him!

One thing that's great is that Cronometer sets targets for how much you should eat of everything, and analyses where your nutritional needs might be lacking (e.g. vitamins).

Best of all, when you input your current weight and target weight, it gives you a timeline indicating when you're likely to reach it.

For me, that's 1 May.

Feeding the data into Copilot (or your AI of choice!) gives even more encouragement as you can use it to interpret recovery time etc and ask it to spell out when physical changes are mostly "internal" vs "external/visible." The first 3 weeks are when your body builds the foundation, and you can feel the difference (e.g. in stamina) without seeing any changes in the mirror. The next month or so, you'll start seeing the differences. After that, it's full-on.

I'm about to enter the "visible differences" stage and am really excited about it! Already feeling much more energy and strength. It's really really helpful to be able to track progress so clearly when in the past I'd have been wondering if anything I was doing actually made any difference...

Thanks Stochastic

I think something like that may encourage him to move more etc and that can only be a good thing. I'll take a look at the link.

What about healthy things he can eat at the lock up if he spends so much time there? Would it be able to have a fridge/ microwave? Make it easier to make heathy choices.

I have suggested this, I've offered to batch cook some healthier meals and he can take one and cook it in an air fryer at teatime. I think it's often the fact that he gets so engrossed in his work that he actually 'forgets' to eat then becomes super hungry and then makes bad food choices.

There's a quick intro to Cronometer here

It's really easy to search foods: you just start typing in something like "Tesco's salmon" in the search bar and it comes up with the options. Select the one you're eating, and you can choose how to input how much (e.g. by precise weight, or manufacturer's standard portion size e.g. a square of a particular chocolate bar). The Cronometer database has all the nutritional details for each food, so it calculates your intake of macro and micronutrients.

Honestly it is a nerd's dream 🤓 and coupled with a fitness tracker and scales, becomes a really absorbing hobby!

I think it’s a very good idea and I hope it appeals to him. The sad fact is that undoing bad habits is hard and motivation to change your behaviour has to come from the person concerned and when it comes to many issues (alcohol, smoking as well as food choices) people often do prefer to stick their head in the sand. Fear of a negative consequence clearly didn’t motivate him. Is there any positive thing that he could achieve by losing weight that might do it? Eg a lot of people lose weight for a special occasion or to make a hobby easier. What about his girlfriend/ friends? Any chance they could all do this together?

I think you have tried all you can and that sadly advice from a concerned parent is just not very motivating. I think you should make this one last offer and then I’m afraid you have to step back or it may backfire if he thinks you are judging and shaming him.

I feel your pain. My ds at 26 is older and still lives at home, saving to move out. He is also tall at 6ft 3, well overweight and gorges on junk food and white carbs all day. Luckily I get a healthy meal down him most nights but when he moves out that’s finished.
Child or adult he’s still my child. It’s just so upsetting.

It is, isn't it? It is so hard not to worry about them.

I also have developed fatty liver disease and have been given the advice to lose weight, eat a Mediterranean diet and avoid alcohol. You've not mentioned drink at all in your post and I think that might be the best starting point if he is a drinker. The other thing for people with liver disease is fatigue. Is he tired all the time? Perhaps the incentive of more energy if he reduces his liver fat might be a way in for him? Have you discussed the problem with his GF? Can she influence him at all? Ultimately, he will only shift the weight when he wants to do it and 'niggling' at him will only make him stand firm in his resolve to ignore the matter.

He doesn't drink much alcohol at all and thankfully doesn't suffer from tiredness at all either.

Sadly his gf isn't much help, she has an ED so doesn't eat that well herself.

I have read that the Mediterranean diet is good for fatty liver, I will look into that a bit more, thanks.