Newborn visitors - personal experiences and what’s reasonable!

[Catlady2202]

35 weeks first time mum - we’ve recently just moved 5 hours drive away (1hr flight) from both of our in laws due to husbands job.

We’re both only children and of course we’re going to be so proud of our baby that we’ll want our parents to see him asap.

My husband and I have both spoken about how we feel it’s important to go home as a family of 3, even if it’s just for a night or two but my parents have recently specified that they want to know when I’m in labour so they can come to the hospital and see the baby and then stay for a few nights at our house in the days after - they didn’t specify how long. If we lived locally, I’m sure it would be a case of a hospital visit and then just dropping in everyday but because we live so far away, it would be so unreasonable to say ‘sorry you can’t stay’ although I nearly suggested if they could get a hotel nearby but I don’t think that would go down well so I just agreed that they could of course stay (I don’t want to upset my mum and I know how special this will be for her!).

I’m a bit worried that it might just all seem ‘too much’ with my parents around at the house 24/7 when we are figuring out life as parents / breastfeeding etc. OR, I might be absolutely relieved they’re there for the help - I guess there’s no way of knowing. My mum isn’t too overbearing but I’m still not sure (because I’ve never been in this situation) how I’ll be feeling.

Then there’s my in laws - my MIL IS very overbearing and I have visions of her intervening and ‘telling’ me what to do. She does it now with the pregnancy (from a place of care but it does get incredibly repetitive) so in this case I’m glad my parents are taking the spare room rather than her but I’m sure this will cause tension as she will feel jealous that my parents get to stay) but we definitely can’t have them all there, 1 because it’ll be too much and 2 we don’t have the space for them.

I don’t want to seem completely territorial of our baby but I had hoped that maybe no one would stay for days on end and it would be a ‘drop in’ for a couple hrs every day so my husband and I can feel like new parents instead of everyone else telling us what to do. But of course that’s unreasonable to expect when we are so far away.

How did other FTMs deal with this situation? Did you turn out to be completely relieved for help or would you rather have settled in first and then had visitors? Or did you politely put a cap on the stay… maybe I should mention whether they minded staying just for a couple nights? Or maybe I should send some hotel / Airbnb options nearby? So then they can stay and see the baby in hospital and the days after but my husband and I still get to feel a little bit of independence. Our mums still treat us like babies so I just worry I’m not going to feel like a Mum with my own child because they’ll be telling us what to do.

It’s such a conundrum - I want them to see the baby as soon as possible so they see him as a fresh newborn. Equally - I do want to enjoy some time just the 3 of us as a new family. But I’m worried it comes across as entitled and like I say, I might be completely helpless and want help.

I just wonder how I can put this nicely to everyone so no one gets hurt, and they still get to see their grandson ASAP. I do feel like them staying in a Airbnb / hotel is probably the best option but I can tell my dad feels a sense of entitlement because he’s ’the eldest’ grandparent.

Hell no. Hotel or they don’t come, simple as that. Stick to your guns. My ILs took it upon themselves to have a family party at our house the day after I came home with my first. I sat and sobbed through the whole thing. I should have told them no way, but I had no idea how vulnerable I would feel. Protect yourself.

Oh hell. I know I felt so bad when I spoke to my dad on the phone but he said he feels like they should get the spare room when in reality I don’t want any set of parents in the spare room! I’m excited for them to see our baby but I just think it might be too much them being there 24/7. And then that way if they’re at a hotel then my in laws can’t feel jealous that my parents are there (when in reality I would prefer if everyone just stayed very close by - they can come as they please) but it’s not a 24/7 ordeal

I absolutely would not have coped with people around me asking questions and being around me in the first day or two, and definitely not at the hospital! I was still bleeding, shuffling about, had milk seeping out of me… no thanks 😂 I had two under two and managed fine with me and my partner, I’ve never had to have help but that’s just me personally, I like to get on with stuff without too many cooks! Both our parents met our children within the first couple of days of them being born so I wasn’t one to keep anyone from meeting them, but definitely the first 24-48 hours I just wanted to feel comfortable and relaxed, I couldn’t have done this with people around! Good luck OP, I recommend just managing the expectation that you’ll be looking forward to seeing everyone shortly after the birth when things have settled down

No over night guests. Tell both sets of parents that you will tell them when baby is here and you will let them know when you will be up for visitors so they can book a hotel or air b and b.

This is exactly how I think I’m going to feel! Even when I’m not pregnant I feel a bit overwhelmed with ‘too many cooks in the kitchen’… and when we have family dinners with in laws and my parents it’s just too many questions about opinions and advice about the pregnancy and baby so I just know it’ll get even more intense when baba is here! All from a place of care I know, but it’s already an overwhelming situation!

Oh good grief no! Don't be a pushover OP.

I have an excellent relationship with my folks. They are lovely and not at all overbearing. I was delighted to have them over the day after giving birth (when we got home) but they are thoughtful so only stayed an hour and to be honest I was glad they didn't stay longer. Not because they did anything wrong, but because I was knackered and oozing body fluids left right and centre.

I am lucky that mine live nearby. If they didn't I would offer them a choice: either come immediately once we get home and stay in a hotel, dropping in for short daily visits, or wait two weeks until your DH is going back to work and then they can stay in the house.

If your in-laws will be helpful I'd offer them a similar choice, but if they are a pain in butt like yours sound like, I'd offer whatever will help you, or at least not hinder!

I think these are the sorts of issues that stay with you and can cause marital problems or PND. I think your DH needs to support you in this and communicate that parents will be staying in a hotel, but give yourself a week or two before they come down. In your shoes I'd be tempted to not announce the labour/birth straight away.

One of the lessons you will need to learn as a new mum is to stand up for yourself, your baby and your new family of three.

Send a message to both sets of parents telling them that you won't be having any visitors for the first 48 hours (at least) as you want this special time to be just you and DH. Tell them that after that you'd love for them to visit, but unfortunately they won't be able to stay, include some hotel/BnB options.

Well you don't have to tell anyone that you have given birth or gone into labour.
If you are not able to put your foot down about when you want visitors then
I would have the baby, go home and in a couple of days when you are ready let everyone know. You in-laws could stay in a hotel that way they can still visit at the same time as you parents and wont feel left out.

I would only have visitors though if you think they will actually be helpful - cook the dinner and do a bit of cleaning etc to enable you to concentrate on the baby. If they are going to expect to sit around for baby cuddles whilst you do all the cooking and cleaning then I would put them off for a while longer!!!!

I somehow allowed my PIL to be with us on our first night at home. It sort of just happened due to unforeseen circumstances with the baby, and I didn’t know how to say no. I was massively unhappy about it and they ended up leaving the next morning after I had a meltdown. I was having a tough time establishing breastfeeding and not in a good place with the baby blues in that first week.

All this to say, stand up for yourself and do not let anyone stay with you in those early days! It’s lovely to have involved grandparents, but that is too much and not fair on you. You are the priority.

This is really tricky and I don’t think anyone can judge without knowing more about your relationship with your parents. My parents came and it was mostly really helpful but even though they were sensitive and tried to give us space there were some times when we would have preferred to be alone. The point where I was really grateful for their help was after my husband had to go back to work after his two week’s paternity leave was over. Then I would have been freaking out about how do I have a shower, what happens of if I fall asleep while feeding the baby, what if I desperately need a nap when the baby is crying, etc. Obviously when my parents did leave I coped, but it was a godsend to have them there for the first fortnight after my husband was back at work to give me a bit more time to get into a routine etc. Depending on how much time your husband is able to take off, could you tell them that what’s your really like is those first two weeks or whatever to yourselves and then have them come for a decent visit when he is back at work?

And if you have a tricky relationship with MIL then they should not stay with you. Just say that you don’t want them being kept up by the baby all night, you want them to get a good nights sleep so they can then enjoy the baby and help you out by day.

Exactly this! My husband even said it would mostly be helpful if they came when he goes back to work after 2 weeks but we KNOW and completely understand that they will want to see their first grandchild asap. I have a good relationship with both sets of parents, although my MIL is just incredibly intense and I can only truly enjoy her company for a few hours at a time otherwise it’s just too repetitive. Both sets of mums will be helpful (or at least mean to be) but I think any of them staying would just be too much at least in the first few days after birth - so I think suggesting some local hotels is the best option

With DS1 my MIL came up to stay for a couple of weeks so she was there from the moment I came home from the hospital and honestly it was so overwhelming. A number of times I retreated to the bedroom in tears.

She offered to do the same when I was pregnant with DD2 so we asked her if instead she could have our dog stay with her as that would really help us out, particularly as I was having a c-section. Fortunately she was very happy with that option as she loves the dog. We went to visit them for a few days when I was up to it.

My aunty did come and stay following dd2, and she was amazing. She's a midwife and was just focused on caring for me while staying in the background as regards the baby but at the same time being a sounding board if I had any worries e.g. dd's eye was a bit gunky. She cleaned the house, made me nourishing food as I'd lost loads of blood etc. I really appreciated her being there.

In your situation I think I would say they are welcome to come and stay nearby, but you can't have them all in the house so it isn't fair to have any of them. (Maybe they could share an Airbnb?!)

My in-laws live a 5 hour drive but luckily my BIL is quite close.
We told all family that they were welcome to visit in hospital, when we were home but that we weren't going to host overnight stays as we wanted to try to get ourselves onto some sort of routine and as we might need the bathroom and be up and down at all hours we wanted a big of space not to worry about queueing for the shower nor loo or waking people up.
Everyone was fine to do this - lots of hospital visits. Came home to both sides of family around the dinner table (space left for me and baby) cooked and then cleared up by various relatives.

But this worked as we all get on (obviously bickering a bit from time to time) and everyone was treated the same. Plus expectation was that I'd need to be sitting down and feeding a baby quite a lot.

Reading your post, you talk a lot about what you would like and what you might need. And my first thought was for your husband. What does he want?

I have a feeling that if your parents descend on you guys, he will end up being pushed out, and that’s just not fair. Those first few days are for you to bond as a newly formed family of three. What your baby needs is lots of skin to skin time with you both, not to be passed around and held by others. Your family has changed - you three are now the core, and everyone else is now extended family. You need to prioritise and protect the core at all costs!! Otherwise, you’re setting yourselves up for a very unhealthy and enmeshed dynamic.

If you are breastfeeding, you will need lots of time with baby on the boob, with no pressure and no onlookers. You’ll also need time and space to do appointments and check ups. You’ll be bleeding and feeling all the feels - this is your husband’s time to look after you both, not your parents.

It’s imperative that you push back on your parents, it’s the best piece of advice you will probably receive as a new mum. We are incredibly close to both sides of our family, but we had the first week solo with each of our children and it was 100000% the right choice.

Sorry you were in tears - this is what I’m fearing… the overwhelm. That’s a really good idea about suggesting to share an Airbnb - they all get so I think that’s a great idea.

OP, I live abroad and have been in this position 3 times as I have had 3 DC since living here.

Baby #1 - We made all grandparents stay at a hotel. I don’t regret this decision at all, we really needed that time to bond with baby and get used to being parents. I had an episiotomy, so was in a lot of pain and was struggling breastfeeding, so not in a state to have anyone in the house. PIL kicked up a fuss, but DH dealt with them. Make sure your DH advocates for you.

Baby #2 - My parents stayed at our apartment to take care of DC1 while I gave birth. Once we were all home from hospital, they got a hotel. They did this without us asking, and I appreciated it. MIL visited when she was 3 months and stayed at our apartment, which was fine by this point.

Baby #3 - We had moved to our 3-bed house, so much more room. My parents stayed with us to help with DCs 1 + 2, and again, went to a hotel once we were home. I wish they had stayed, as I needed a lot of help with DC2 (she was 18 months) and felt very alone. Our house also had the space for them.

So, for Baby #1, I highly recommend they all stay in a hotel. Don’t feel bad about it, the time is precious and you’ll need time to recover from the birth.

If you have more babies at your current location, you might prefer having family stay to help take care of DC1.

Good luck OP!! I’m wishing you all the best with your new motherhood adventure.

I completely, completely agree.

He initially said he thinks they should just come up to the hospital, have a cuddle with the baby and then go home and then after his paternity leave ends we would come back to see them for a weekend OR they could then come back up.

I said it’s a lovely idea in theory but that there was no way my parents would travel 5 hours (even via a 1 hour flight) - my dad would think it’s ludicrous. My husband thinks his mum would absolutely not mind travelling just so she could see her grandson. We haven’t had any disagreement about it, if he’s right then that’s wonderful but I somehow feel mean suggesting they come up just to see the baby in hospital and then go back home.

I don’t want my husband to be pushed out at all - it’s really important we just bond as a three I’m just worried my parents will think I’m neurotic or being unreasonable / territorial

My mother came & stayed for a few days. She was really useful.

if you get on well with your mum you’ll want her in the home with you. You and your DH need to do shifts with the baby and other people need to help with food, washing up, laundry, nappies, driving your or baby back to hospital if needed.

I don’t think you should over romanticize bonding as a three either you might be stressed anxious amd
sleep deprived and arguing while the baby screams at you, you can’t move from surgery, he’s moaning about his back hurting, you’re hungry and scared of baby being unwell… postpartum days can be so emotionally taxing. Mum to help with laundry etc is great! But why not see how you feel and the give them the call when you need help

@Catlady2202 i think your husband’s suggestion is absolutely right, and you should honour his feelings on the matter. This is his special time too, and he needs to be prioritised.

Your dad’s feelings and expected reaction is quite telling. I’m sensing some entitlement there, some boundary trampling and a little anxiety on your side at asserting yourself. This won’t get easier once the baby is here, so better to nip it in the bud now, otherwise resentment is only going to build (speaking from experience with my lovely but full on in-laws…)

Just be easy breezy. Tell them they’re welcome to come to see you at the hospital for the big first meeting, then you’ll next see them again when your husband goes back to work. You’ll probably get push back, but it’s not a negotiation!! They’ll soon get used to it!

please do prioritise the three of you. You’re a mama now, your parents will need to adjust to the new dynamic

A former poster said hell no to parents staying overnight as soon as the baby’s born. That’s an understatement- he’ll to freeze over before you allow this! You’ll be sore, tired, delighted, frantic, scared and you want to be this with your dp and no one else.

Totally! That’s what I mean - I don’t have a crystal ball so we have no idea how we’ll feel. But I just think it’s the expectation / pressure from my parents that they want to stay at our house from labour. I think having them nearby gives us the flexibility of asking help if we need it and also they can pop round whenever to spend time with the baby… just not a 24/7 ordeal if we didn’t feel like we want it to be

I had a horrendous first birth with EMCS. DH was also quite traumatised. We wanted all the help we could get as we were so exhausted and really upset.

But i would say no to them staying over. You may also need your spare room for one of you catching up on a bit of sleep away from the baby.

I would also say we mainly had people over who were actually HELPFUL and brought me food, held baby while i showered or napped etc.

If someone just came for a chat, it was tiring.