Newborn visitors - personal experiences and what’s reasonable!

[Catlady2202]

35 weeks first time mum - we’ve recently just moved 5 hours drive away (1hr flight) from both of our in laws due to husbands job.

We’re both only children and of course we’re going to be so proud of our baby that we’ll want our parents to see him asap.

My husband and I have both spoken about how we feel it’s important to go home as a family of 3, even if it’s just for a night or two but my parents have recently specified that they want to know when I’m in labour so they can come to the hospital and see the baby and then stay for a few nights at our house in the days after - they didn’t specify how long. If we lived locally, I’m sure it would be a case of a hospital visit and then just dropping in everyday but because we live so far away, it would be so unreasonable to say ‘sorry you can’t stay’ although I nearly suggested if they could get a hotel nearby but I don’t think that would go down well so I just agreed that they could of course stay (I don’t want to upset my mum and I know how special this will be for her!).

I’m a bit worried that it might just all seem ‘too much’ with my parents around at the house 24/7 when we are figuring out life as parents / breastfeeding etc. OR, I might be absolutely relieved they’re there for the help - I guess there’s no way of knowing. My mum isn’t too overbearing but I’m still not sure (because I’ve never been in this situation) how I’ll be feeling.

Then there’s my in laws - my MIL IS very overbearing and I have visions of her intervening and ‘telling’ me what to do. She does it now with the pregnancy (from a place of care but it does get incredibly repetitive) so in this case I’m glad my parents are taking the spare room rather than her but I’m sure this will cause tension as she will feel jealous that my parents get to stay) but we definitely can’t have them all there, 1 because it’ll be too much and 2 we don’t have the space for them.

I don’t want to seem completely territorial of our baby but I had hoped that maybe no one would stay for days on end and it would be a ‘drop in’ for a couple hrs every day so my husband and I can feel like new parents instead of everyone else telling us what to do. But of course that’s unreasonable to expect when we are so far away.

How did other FTMs deal with this situation? Did you turn out to be completely relieved for help or would you rather have settled in first and then had visitors? Or did you politely put a cap on the stay… maybe I should mention whether they minded staying just for a couple nights? Or maybe I should send some hotel / Airbnb options nearby? So then they can stay and see the baby in hospital and the days after but my husband and I still get to feel a little bit of independence. Our mums still treat us like babies so I just worry I’m not going to feel like a Mum with my own child because they’ll be telling us what to do.

It’s such a conundrum - I want them to see the baby as soon as possible so they see him as a fresh newborn. Equally - I do want to enjoy some time just the 3 of us as a new family. But I’m worried it comes across as entitled and like I say, I might be completely helpless and want help.

I just wonder how I can put this nicely to everyone so no one gets hurt, and they still get to see their grandson ASAP. I do feel like them staying in a Airbnb / hotel is probably the best option but I can tell my dad feels a sense of entitlement because he’s ’the eldest’ grandparent.

I was delighted to have any help thst my mum was able to give when I had my daughter - she was my mother so why wouldn’t so want her to be involved? She visited me in hospital within three hours of her being born and came every day until I was discharged. Once I was home, my
mum visited almost every day for the first couple of weeks. I would have really loved her to have stayed but we moved when I was six months pregnant to a house thst was almost completely derelict. By the time I gave birth we had managed to get the kitchen, bathroom, main bedroom, and nursery ready but there was nowhere thst my mum could possibly have slept. My mother in law, who was an extremely difficult woman, csme round several times in the first few weeks and despite how I felt about her, I would never have considered not letting her come to see her only grandchild whenever she wanted.

When my sister had her first DD, her MIL insisted on coming to stay. She was there when they got home with the baby (having let herself in) and then stayed for a week. She was very good at calming the baby, but basically took her away from her mum every time she cried for a cuddle. The baby basically just needed a feed, and ended up losing too much weight.

In my experience OP you just won’t feel like this AT ALL!! It’s lovely of your family to want to be on hand to help, but they need to stay somewhere else and pop in only when requested by you. The three of you really need that time to yourselves.

I fucking despised (not sure if I've spelt that correctly!) People coming to my house but I was too much of a push over and people pleaser to just tell them.

Honestly it truly ruined my first couple of weeks of being a new mum, constant stream of people in and out of the door.
I was bleeding through pads like noones business, literally didn't have time to go for a poo because there was always someone there, I'm still so annoyed with myself for letting in happen.

That wasn't with anyone staying over, that would send me over the edge. From the bottom of my heart my advice is to tell them absolutely not.

I also remember being out of it in hospital and my husband had let everyone know about the baby coming so my PIL, father and sister were all heading to the hospital. My husband told me everyone was coming and the mid wife, bless her heart, said no they aren't coming, she's on a drip for hours and she is exhausted, they need to leave her alone. I would of just put a smile on my face after 50 hours of labour but thank god she had a tounge in her mouth. I'm better these days but WTF was I thinking.

You can say to your folks 'I've thought about it and I've realised that much as we'd love to have you, having anyone else at the home just after we're home with the baby might be a bit much. We don't know how the birth will go or how we'll feel so it'll be best if you can book a hotel so we can have a bit of space if things aren't ideal' ?

We didn't have this issue because our parents were close by and we had no spare room at the time but in your position I'd have accepted my parents staying because I know my mum would be helpful and supportive (and dad would not get in the way) but wouldn't have ILs staying at least not until a few weeks in, because MIL is generally a stressful house guest and would be carping about the place not being immaculate! (As indeed she did on the first day when she came to see us at home - fortunately as they lived 10, mins away, DH was able to turf them out for that!)

My in laws and my parents both booked themselves into the same b&b when ours was born - they were both great at being respectful and giving us space, but desperate to see the baby and us too. They entertained each other and really enjoyed it! I am very lucky.

Realistically you don't know when this baby is going to arrive so your parents could end up sitting around waiting on a phone call for weeks on end.

Not sure if you are in the UK or if your DH will have 2 weeks or more paternity leave. That's an important factor. If you are somewhere like the USA and he's expected back at work asap, then having support is useful. If he's not, then having just the three of you for a couple of weeks is so helpful while you all find your feet. My parents were an hours flight away too. Had they hopped on the first flight while I was in labour they'd have sat around for the best part of a week with 2 hours visiting hours a day in hospital with DC1; with a 37week and small DC2 we were readmitted after 3 days as feeding was going badly, too much birth weight was dropped and jaundice set in.

So I would be firm on this point with support from your husband. No-one is going to be called when you are in labour. Save that joy for DC2 when you need childcare. You might be in labour for 6 hours or 2 days, having parents or in-laws arriving and/or expecting endless updates is irritating and exhausting especially if it's all progressing slowly. DH will call both sets of parents when everyone is safe and well and he can manage expectations accordingly.

If they want to visit immediately, then they will need to sort flights and a hotel/B&B. My suggestion is that both sets come for the weekend before your DH goes back to work. Your mum stays on for a few days if you need support and your Dad flies home again. In practice though, you will be cluster feeding and still recovering so unless your mum or dad is the type to be really useful I'd encourage them all to buzz off and come back at a later point when you feel up to getting out and about a bit. Baby's first vaccinations are at 6 weeks so the 8 week mark is usually a bit easier.

My poor younger sister lived 2 hours away from my parents and was the first to have a child in my family. Pics with grandparents on the ward within 2 hours of her EMCS when she was moved up from recovery. They were so excited and SO thoughtless. She was shattered.

You really can just say no to all of it, OP. You're the mother, you're the one that's been pregnant and is giving birth, you and baby are the most important things in all of this. If there is one time in your life when you're allowed to be selfish, it's now.

If you don't think what your parents and in laws are proposing is going to help you, just say no thanks, and don't feel that you need to offer endless explanations and justifications.