Is anyone else's mother obsessed with them being 'lazy'?

[TinaTwinkleToes]

My mother always calls me lazy. This is the woman who spent my childhood asleep on the couch.
Not that I have to justify myself but I have a primary aged child, dogs and a 4 day week job. I'm also at the gym 3 to 4 times a week. But apparently I'm bone idle

Is she trying to control what you do with your time? Does she mean ‘not doing what I want you to do right now’.

Or indeed ‘blatantly demonstrating you are not alert to my next command’. Does she prefer you to be on edge, ready to react to her all the time?

A lot of women have deeply ingrained unconscious sexism too. Ideas of petty domestic tasks women ‘ought to be doing’ ti be seen as respectable housewives, based on roles their mothers and grandmothers performed.

My mum stormed out of our house once after I told her I didn’t have the time or energy to do much to our garden (other than mow the lawn). I had two children under 4, a full time job with a 1.5 hour commute each way and I was doing it all alone as my then husband was working away for a year, coming back every Third weekend or so. ‘But it could be lovely out there, I don’t know why you don’t just do something with it’…. Ad finitum until I snapped and asked her where I would find the time? She found that so offensive that she left, which tbh was a relief. It’s just something vague and not grounded in reality for her to criticize you about op. My mum rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and especially not me. It’s waring.

Someone once told me that when people accuse you of things that aren't true, it's because they think it of themselves.

Just smile when she says it and don't say a word. She won't be able to know what you are thinking and you might enjoy it.

What do you do when she tells you that? It sounds like she enjoys saying it because it provokes a reaction. Can you reply with something glib like:

Wonder where I got that from
I obviously inherited it from you
Yes, I absolutely am. Can you pop the kettle on
At least I’m pretty
You're no Alan Sugar (and name will do here) yourself

Perhaps it’s time to cut her off completely if her nasty mouth is still hurting you?

I am NC with my abusive mother and it’s the best thing I ever did. 💐

Are you OP’s mum?

I actually wonder if she's jealous of me. Her sisters are the same with her kids. She always thinks she's had it the hardest but her choices are her own not mine. She didn't have to have a high pressure job and 2 kids. She blames everyone else for her life.

She's abusive.😞

Does she resent this? Is she calling you lazy because she thinks you don’t do any jobs for her/ spend any time with her? The alternative to being lazy is you don’t like her/ she isn’t a priority.

you don’t sound lazy btw. Maybe when she looks back on her life she doesn’t remember how lazy she was. Very ironic either was.

Personally, I don't see being lazy as a character fault, any more than being a 'busy' person is. Can't stand busybodies though.

I have an aunt who is a bit like this. Whenever she came to stay, she would bustle round, open doors to bedrooms to check what us kids were doing, tell us off if we weren't doing something sufficiently 'improving' and hound my father if he wasn't spending all his free time doing chores and DIY.

In the end, my father refused to have her in the house. "Life's too short", he said.

I spent most of my adult life being called lazy by my mum. I had my first weekend job at 13 and from about 17 onwards worked Saturday and Sundays all day and often during college holidays would stay on and work 24 hour shifts in the local factory. I’ve always worked, there are times when I’ve worked 90 hour weeks. I returned to work full time after having my children 3 under 2! I did later go part time whilst they were so young.
Then swapped careers completely, started full time, nominated for a national award in the field, still running a home, primary aged children and juggling childcare.
My sister in comparison, worked part time after children, with my mum doing all her childcare.

When my mum was ill, it was me beside her bed looking after her. Me driving 100s of miles to support. My sister lives close by and barely dropped in. Her children were young adults and old enough to look after themselves, post uni age. Mine were tweens. Yet it was me there, working remotely, home schooling during Covid while 100s of miles from home. Hearing her moan to friends that I wouldn’t know what a days work was, was so hurtful. My sister never done a thing wrong in her eyes, was a grafter.

No matter, I done the right thing for me. It maybe wasn’t appreciated, but my conscience is clear and I couldn’t have done more.

Yep my sibling works full time and has no kids by choice. I imagine they have a lot more time than me but they're not lazy weirdly enough. My ex who barely sees his child isn't lazy but I am ?

See i will struggle to do any elderly care

Wow.

I’m sorry your mother was so horrible.

OP, I had one like that when I was growing up. She mellowed when I was an adult, but by then the damage was done and now she’s dead I don’t miss her.

That’s the legacy they leave. She’s just a woman. You wouldn’t take it from anyone else, so don’t take it from her.

My mother always used to tell me I was lazy and how she would repaint the whole house in a week if she needed to, and her house was always spotlessly clean. She failed to remember that I had 3 kids, worked almost full time whilst she gave up work when pregnant with me and never went back. Also, it was myself and siblings that cleaned the house every week while she sat and read the paper! I was LC with her for years before going NC a number of years ago.

It’s projection. She’s accusing you of having her issues. “Are you having a laugh?” could be a good response. Or just flat out ignoring her BS, that would work too.

I go low contact. She's never liked me so it's not going to change now. If lazy is the worst thing I am (which I'm not) I'd take it over being her with her weird world view.

But then you say you rely on her for childcare? So you distance yourself from this person but subject your child to this person @TinaTwinkleToes ?

She's nice to my child.

Every accusation is a confession with these types. Usually also “why aren’t you doing for me?”

Primary school aged

Are you OP’s mother?