Is anyone else's mother obsessed with them being 'lazy'?

[TinaTwinkleToes]

My mother always calls me lazy. This is the woman who spent my childhood asleep on the couch.
Not that I have to justify myself but I have a primary aged child, dogs and a 4 day week job. I'm also at the gym 3 to 4 times a week. But apparently I'm bone idle

My mother was like this. I wss lazy my sister and brother never were. They were also the intelligent ones where as I wasn't accord9ng to her. I was in my mod 20s before I realised I left school with the best grades of the 3 of us. Mother had me convinced the other 2 had done better by far

Result was as I got older I slowly .disengaged. the turning point for me was one christmas where dd 2 then age 4 came and asked me to play with her. I said "Im making dinner whyndont you go ask mormor?" She replied with that honesty only children manage. "No she would rather be with niece"
Niece lived in the same country as my mum saw her regularly my children lived in a different country and she saw them max yewrly. Yet when they were there she still prioritised the golden child and her child.

That was my tuning point I can remember atanding there thinking. "Not on my shift you don't " we stopped the yearly visits I went low contact and I fostered the healthy loving relationship my children had with mil (who was able to love all her 8 grandchildren equally) I dont regret it even 10 years after her death. My children grew up thinking their grandma = love and never got to feel they were second best.

Mil is spoke of often and with love by my 4. My mother rarely and I am ok with that. I broke the pattern.

And no Im not lazy and I am as intelligent as my siblings

Mine was (dead now). When I got into uni (first in my family) she told me I was only doing it because I couldn’t be arsed to get a job.

Is she lazy by chance? and she is projecting that unsavoury part of her own personality onto you.

Yes she spent my childhood asleep on the couch or moaning or screaming. God know how my father has stuck that for years.

My mother had to fill every moment with "doing something". She couldn't just sit and relax - that was being lazy.

She scoffed at one friend because she was lazy for enjoying reading - another for doing crosswords.

Goodness knows how she had any friends.

Sounds like you are a lot less lazy than your mother. Do not let your mum police your activity levels; she is not in charge of what you do and she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

My mother is like this. Plus also makes barbs about our house.

my sympathies, OP. My mother spent quite a lot of time telling me I was self-centred and selfish when I was a kid. I don't think I even understood what it was, being around 7 years old at the time. as with a PP, she mellowed as she got older, but I knew that it was only because I was the only sibling who would talk to her when we'd all grown up. I felt a kind of pity for her but I certainly didn't love her. I'd limit her contact with your child, OP. Even if you don't see it yet, she'll be up to her tricks with her.

Oh for goodness sake.

She sounds horrible and abusive, why are you still seeing her?!

Your Mum's 'negging' and projecting OP. Take her and her views with a pinch of salt and protect yourself. With mothers like this, who needs enemies?

My mum used to tell me that various things only took 2 minutes. I had to explain to her that I have a lot of things that only take 2 min and that both of us work, whilst raising 2 primary aged kids, 600km away from family.
She hasn't said it much since.

OP - I'd get other childcare. She might be seemingly nice to your child but there's a chance she'll denigrate you while with your child or start to treat the child unfairly too simply because it's your child and not the child of one of your siblings.

Sorry I've just spotted that your siblings doesn't have kids but the advice still holds.

How old is she?

Im 56, and grew up reading children’s books of the Victorian/Edwardian/20s/30s when ‘lazy’ or ‘wasting time’ was the go to insult/parental judgement. It was used for everything; illness, depression, unemployment, creativity without obvious output, political thinking… The books were constantly working to instil industrial obsessiveness in children, usually with a heavy dose of religion on top (Protestant nonsense, you have to read with one eye closed to think that Jesus and the disciples were mainly concerned with putting in 10 hours a day in the office with clean underwear). I laugh when people talk wistfully about some past idyll where children were ‘allowed to be bored’ and were left to get on with things. Maybe in reality they were, but the ideal was nothing like that; see this poem from ‘The Crown of Success’:

‘Lost, one golden hour,
Studded with sixty diamond minutes.
No reward is offered, for it is lost forever.’

I wrote that from memory btw, despite not having read it for thirty years.

So all she’s doing, if she’s around my age, is reflexively judging you with the worst insult her subconscious can come up with. That’s pretty awful and you should push back, but don’t think it’s based on anything factual. Channel the parental end of this interaction; tell her off for being so rude.

It's your mum who is the problem, not you. Any parent who continually calls their children names or criticises them has some issues of their own they need to work out. I appreciate that being on the receiving end still hurts immensely though. If you can bring yourself to, tell her how you feel. I wish I'd had the self-awareness and understanding to do so with my own mother when I was a teenager and she was repeatedly nasty to me, leaving a very negative lasting impression.

Yes, my mother thought I was lazy when the dc were small. Because I prioritised playing with the children rather than wiping the paintwork and polishing the mirrors. A cleaner did that.

It also applied to me reading or meeting friends and dh was not a proper father because he was a workaholic. And we lived in a ghastly house and should have a much better lifestyle than him driving a GWizz (for work commuting) and me an MPV. Her classic was complaining that dd was less privileged than me because she didn't have a pony (tricky in zone 2). Dear reader, we sold that house ten years ago for £3.8m. She never fully got her head around London property prices and thought we should live in a mansion.

It extended to my appearance which was scruffy and unheeled, because, you know, when the DC were tinies I spent a lot of my time on the floor with them. Now I should be getting tweakments. When the children were bigger I went to work again which she also disagreed with and refers to my little office job. I'm a director in a large organisation, albeit semi-retired.

She's better now because at 89 and frail, she needs me so has to be nicer.

I've always said my epitaph will read "she tried to please her mother".

No my mum (and my dad) are constantly worried that I’m going to ‘meet myself coming back’ 😂

Your mum knows this will get to you. When she calls you lazy I’d say ‘yes I know it’s great isn’t it I’m a great big lazy bastard’ and take the wind out of her sails a bit. She wants you to defend yourself.

Are you her Mum?

She sounds toxic. I too have toxic parents. They like to blame their children for everything.

Mine has dementia now and has stopped doing it but she used to comment a lot on my house (clean and tidy, just not to her standard)

She used to say to people "Nancy isn't bothered about housework"

I'm out of the house 7.30am - 6.pm five days a week and often work when I get done with home stuff!

She was horrified when I got a cleaner!

She worked part time and was obsessive about the house being clean when we were kids. I hated it

It is not for your mother to pass this type of comment. I would simply quietly and calmly tell her you don’t wish to be called lazy and can she please stop. If she challenges tell her you aren’t prepared to discuss it further but can she please take this request on board.