Wrong school for sake of friends?

[crazystar]

We’re staying in a ridiculously expensive private school with a pretty awful parent set and a poor early-years teacher this year, who I think doesn’t like my daughter or her type of personality - she’s chatty, can lack focus (is youngest of year group?), but we’ve got solid friends there who I can rely on, and that matters with the hours, they help a lot as we don’t have family nearby. My daughter plays with most and is thriving academically - but a few sometimes exclude her, well just two girls with pretty influential parents and I worry about this influence over the years. I’m worried we’re just staying for one or two close friendships…is this enough and do we stay for the fact that it “might” get better or move whilst she’s young.

another silly thing is I really think my daughter is influenced by the boys - loves playing with them , but the girls I’m talking about don’t seem to love this. I wonder if a girls school may help her focus…

So your child is around 4 if she's early years? And you're worried she's being distracted by boys?! Obviously don't stay for a couple of friendships if the school is poor, save some money and get a decent nanny.

Agree with pp. With the money you’d save on school fees if you switch to state, you could surely afford good before/after school care. The state school may have wraparound care you can use or you can look at childminders who do drop off / pick up, or an after school nanny.

I can’t see why you would pay for private at early years stage (guessing year 1 or 2) if you’re not happy with significant aspects of the school. You can still keep up with the friends from there.

State isn’t an option

What makes you think the teachers are poor if she is thriving academically.

Mean

I wouldn’t keep my child at a free school if I genuinely thought that the teachers were deliberately mean, let alone lone a ridiculously expensive one…

The teachers are mean to your daughter?

That really shouldn’t be happening. Have you raised this with someone? The head teacher?

But no, to answer your question, I wouldn’t pay for a private school I was unhappy with just because I had a few solid friendships. You can create new friendships like that anywhere.

I think its just this one teacher and maybe ok next year , that’s a maybe - I worry more the culture that allows teachers and parents like this in a school

I don’t feel it’s something I can ignore anymore

How are the teachers poor when the child is "thriving academically"?

How do you know the teachers are mean to your daughter? She's 4. What have you witnessed that shows the teachers are mean to her specifically?

This is nuts. Go state (I say this as someone who is a massive believer in the value of private education…. But only if you’re actually getting value).

Teachers and parents like what?! You are not giving us any concrete examples of anything you've witnessed to suggest that the school or the parents are targeting your child specifically.

I feel like the gripe you have is the cost of the school and if cost wasn't a factor, you would keep the child here without questioning it. I think it's getting expensive but you don't want to leave your 1-2 friends at the school.

How many girls are there in your DD's class? "Cliqueyness" is likely to get worse rather than better as your DD moves up the school (and the boys who she plays with now may become less keen to play with a girl). So if your DD is in a situation where the friendship pool of girls is particularly small and is already showing signs of cliquey behaviour, I'd be a bit concerned.

Hello
i Don’t want to be too specific - but leaving her out , I think she’s considered too “rowdy” for their girls. Also the money thing is very in your face - I know that other privates will have this too , but it’s very ostentatious and in my view not the values I want and think how can that not filter down ?

She is being pushed towards the boys - because I know the girls are not friendly overall. It’s two but then the others are influenced by that.

then the teacher - just labelling , no positive reinforcement, talking about my child in front of her negatively . strict sanctions - missing playtimes for no real concrete examples of what she’s done to warrant it. I feel the culture may also be inadvertently rubbing off on my dd in a negative way.

Also no warmth from teachers that you’d expect at primary and you don’t ever see the head.

the positive is her reading and writing has come on massively A she’s 5 but at a higher level that most would expect at her age- though I hope we can nurture her natural brightness , for me private was about the values and opportunities and not sure she’s getting that here -

its mostly a private area

Mostly private area? I didn't know that existed.

Either way this doesn't sound like it's healthy for your child. Is it a cheaper private school than other options?

You are paying for what you regard as a shit school because of your four year olds friends?

Just change school and don't even think about it.

A better question is, can you afford another school + a nanny?

I meant if another school is cheaper, then perhaps the answer to the above was yes

I'm in Wales. A teacher was using missed play time as a sanction at a state school near me. She was sacked. It's illegal here for that to be a punishment at this age. Think about that and then decide whether you can't possibly go to a state school.

Many points ;
Unlikely the teacher is ‘mean’. She’s probably just firm as your daughter is chatty and lacks focus and she will be distracting others (who’s parents are also playing lots of money). It’s her job to help your dc learn how to learn and behave.
It doesn’t sound great for her friendship wise - how many girls in her form? It may just be that she hasn’t found a kindred spirit, if the other girls are more serious/mature/boring/girly etc they may just not have much in common, or find your dc annoying (not saying she is but they might think that ). Not being included is hard to solve because schools can be deal with actual unkindness but we ca t force friendships .
Yes, I think you are silly to pay for a school you don’t like!! At such a young age age if she moves now she’d barely remember this school in a few years.

Well if there are some good things about the school, I wouldn’t be changing schools just based on one early years teacher, as it won’t be long before she has a different teacher.

I find your comments about the girls quite odd. They’re four year olds. If your child is the youngest in the year and “rowdy” then it’s possible that her behaviour, maturity etc is quite different from her classmates, so perhaps it’s to be expected that she would be excluded sometimes. I wonder if that would be any different at another school? Your DD would likely still be the youngest and may still be “rowdy”.

Yes firm , but unsupportive and unapproachable also and it’s not just one teacher

Its also the parents - not just the teacher and the school really is not being as pastoral as they marketed themselves to be.

Are the friends you mention long-standing friends from before your DD started school? Or friends you've made since she has been there - so relatively new?

I wouldn't stay at a school for the sake of new-ish friendships. Do you reciprocate the help they give you? It doesn't sound like it from your post. If that is the case, you may find they become less helpful over time anyway. Are the school's hours shorter than usual? I thought private school's had longer days partly to facilitate parents' working longer hours...

I'd go and visit other schools and get a feel for them. There might be places better suited to your DD's personality. Although if she is happier playing with boys I probably wouldn't aim for a single sex school - seems a bit unfair!

So its the teacher, and the parents, and some of the children, and you must stay in a private school. Okay…..

Nursery friends but a different nursery so started to together and we as parents are all close

yes We help them out to - pick ups here and there , like we prefer it to after school care but that’s always an option , it’s just nice rather than essential if you know what I mean.

It doesn't sound like the school is the right fit for your daughter.
Why isn't state an option?
You should look at other schools including state schools and also see what after-school options are available so you don't need to rely on these friends from school for child care.
You shouldn't stay at school because of them. What if you have a fall out or your daughter is too rowdy and they say they can't look after her any more or they leave the school?