Wrong school for sake of friends?

[crazystar]

We’re staying in a ridiculously expensive private school with a pretty awful parent set and a poor early-years teacher this year, who I think doesn’t like my daughter or her type of personality - she’s chatty, can lack focus (is youngest of year group?), but we’ve got solid friends there who I can rely on, and that matters with the hours, they help a lot as we don’t have family nearby. My daughter plays with most and is thriving academically - but a few sometimes exclude her, well just two girls with pretty influential parents and I worry about this influence over the years. I’m worried we’re just staying for one or two close friendships…is this enough and do we stay for the fact that it “might” get better or move whilst she’s young.

another silly thing is I really think my daughter is influenced by the boys - loves playing with them , but the girls I’m talking about don’t seem to love this. I wonder if a girls school may help her focus…

The state schools nearly are really not very good - I don’t think the large classes of the closest one and lack of facilities/ clubs are an option. There’s a nice med girls private nearby by I’m considering

just the whole cost of uniform , re integrating - all a worry and jumping into the unknown but I’ve seen it before and have now spoken with mums - my daughter generally sees a better fit there

It sounds like things are not going well for your daughter- is she happy there? You describe a lot of things about the teachers and mean girls but presumably you know this through your daughter? How is she telling you all this? Presumably not with a cheery smile and happily? It sounds like your daughter is not happy but you don't want to lose the convenience of close nursery friends? You will easily make a new circle of friends so that shouldn't be a consideration. You need to focus on will you help your daughter navigate the difficulties (there will always be some at every school) or is it just not working over all for her. Do you think she has some social difficulties? Because if she is only just surviving because of a pre existing friendship group that isn't going to last forever and she may need some strong guidance about how to navigate the various issues she is facing.

Shes so happy - but I think she is a pretty water off a ducks back type of girl
she has settled well into new environments before

I would not keep my child at a school because I was friends with other parents.

I know state isn’t on your radar but if others are thinking she’s rowdy maybe state would be best for her- larger classes so more opportunity to find her crowd. I’d worry less about clubs/ facilities as you’d have more money to do extra curriculars.

Clearly you don’t think this school is a good fit for her so I’d try and find one that you think would work. I’d look round all local schools, regardless of the sector so you can get a feeling of them all.

Why can’t you be different? Find a lovely state primary. If you don’t think wealthy parents use state schools, you are totally wrong.

The lovely state primary is not in our catchment sadly

Well, just send her to the geographically nearest school then. Schools are much of a muchness.

We moved our DD from her primary for similar reasons - the girls had largely excluded her from yr3 onwards, not in a mean way but more due to how classes were mixed but then the gap became even wider when we didn’t allow her to have unrestricted access to the internet and social media so she didn’t know what the girls were talking about with skincare, make up, tiktok shit basically. She got pushed to hanging out with boys which made her a target of teasing by the girls and she didn’t really like because she doesn’t like football and we don’t allow gaming. The change of schools has allowed her to find friends who have similar interests and, frankly, parents who have a similar outlook to us.
Keep a watchful eye but don’t be afraid to move her if it’s not the right fit for your family

This school obviously isn’t a good fit for your family. You haven’t given much information but clearly she’s struggling to make friends with the other girls and their teaching methods aren’t working for her- if she’s ‘rowdy’ then she sounds like she needs more opportunity to run off excess energy and missing break for minor behavioural stuff is going to make things worse. Not to mention that you don’t like the teacher, the head or a lot of the other parents. You having some friends there isn’t enough of a reason to stay IMO. I’d look at all the other options in your area- state and private. You don’t want to make another mistake so I wouldn’t just jump straight into the all girls- if she’s high energy and plays a lot with the boys it may not be a good fit either.

Agree to disagree

There have been a couple of threads recently which I can only think have been posted by anti private school people trying to discredit the sector……

This sounds so similar to our daughter - she loves “girly” play not really footy - but likes to run around , hide n seek and just being 5, whereas the other girls are already more mature - they are a fair bit older

Sorry, I am struggling to understand why you are considering moving her then if she is so happy?

lol Jog on

not this one - I’ve literally said if you bothered to read I’m only considering private

not everything needs to be a conspiracy

Just because of longe term view and influence

I wouldn’t keep my child in a school I wasn’t happy with just for a few friends. She’ll make friends anywhere and friend groups change hugely over the years.

That said, I think you are picking up on things that will be the same or worse in other schools. I think it’s probably your expectations that need to change. There is no way you’ve spent enough time around the teacher to know they don’t like your child. There will always be queen bees. There will also be gossip. There will always be those prosecco mums who seem to talk about everyone. This happens in one degree or another in every school.

The key is building resilience and a thicker skin. I don’t give two hoots about the influential mums who host all the parties and don’t invite me. I have my own life and my own friends. I help my dc navigate friendship groups and fallouts and encourage new friendships and interests. This is part of life. You can’t just run away and start over every time it’s tough going.

I get that - but at a young age if there’s any opportunity at such and impressionable age to improve things . Wouldn’t you take it ? I don’t want one so young to learn the art of resilience yet - not when I know there’s schools with values more important to us as a family

I don’t think I did all my due diligence and followed other parents when selecting where we are - and also when you’re paying , wouldn’t choosing what’s best for your money always be an option ?

As others have said, why isn’t state school an option? You complain about the ostentatious wealth of the other parents, but if you’re rich enough to be sending your children to private school then ALL of the parents are ostentatiously wealthy and, quite frankly, your refusal to even consider state school makes YOU sound like a snob - which I’m sure you’re not.

If your daughter prefers to play with the boys, why is this an issue?

Also, why are you relying on other parents for after school care?

1. no decent state schools - we can’t afford to move to a better state school area
2. i love she plays with boys but it’s an issue and used to keep her out of certain girl groups
3. friends help each other out