Parenting classes

[inthecornersofmymind]

Could anyone share their experiences with parenting classes? Were they useful for you, and how did they help?

Thank you.

Have you tried any not gentle parenting?

Stuff like supernanny with consequences of a time out/removal for poor behaviour?

How "bad" is his behaviour?

If you attend a class, check it's aimed at the right age range. Many are too generic.

I did a Surestart parent course. I doubt they exist now. I actually quite enjoyed it. I have 1 very challenging child (since diagnosed ADHD/ASD).

I found the course interesting and it was actually nice to meet other parents.

I've also done some parent courses specifically for ADHD. I think it was through Barnardos or similar. It's what CAMHs made parents do whilst on the long wait list for diagnosis.

To be honest the course didn't tell me anything new but it wasn't patronising and the main benefit was being with a group of mums all able to talk to each other about their challenging child without judgement because we were all experiencing the same issues. We didn't really need the people running the course. We just needed time with the other mums and coffee and cake.

You sound like an intelligent and caring mum. If your 4 year old is very challenging don't rule out neurodiversity. It seems like you are blaming your gentle parenting. That seems very harsh to yourself. Sometimes children are challenging for even the most experienced parent.

He has never faced any consequences for his bad behavior; I always attempt to overlook it.

If I had to rate his behavior, I would put it at a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am thankful that he hardly ever misbehaves in public, because I genuinely don’t know how I would deal with it.

He doesn’t listen, he will tell me “I am not listening, I am not doing that”

He asks for certain foods at mealtime, but then he refuses to eat them.

He refuses to get in or out of the car, and then he will also refuse to sit in his car seat.

In moments of frustration, he has a habit of slapping me, and it honestly makes me upset because I’m always so gentle with him.

why you don't consider ND assesment??

Start with non negotiables like getting into car seat. Are they places he wants to go, if he won’t get in you don’t go and he misses out. Food remove and offer no alternative. Hitting is a firm no and time out.

For what reason?

This! Just start parenting.

It doesn’t sound that bad to me to be honest.

MN tends to disapprove of gentle parenting (I’m not massively keen on it myself so no dog in this race) and you’ll hear a lot about boundaries and consequences that isn’t always helpful depending on your child.

He will in all probability be absolutely fine at school. Does he attend nursery / preschool?

Maybe you should start with making sure natural consequences are clear. Like you’re going somewhere nice, if he won’t get into his car seat, you don’t go. You can still be gentle and speak gently, no shouting or force needed, but you leave the house saying, if we don’t strap in to the car seat, we don’t go. And implement it.

You have to decide on the consequence for hitting but depending on the situation, you withdraw yourself from what you are doing and explain you won’t let him hit you so you can’t play anymore. Or you let him see that you are upset; not floods of tears but say that you are sad and it hurt, that we do not hit.

Maybe you are doing these things already? But I think gentle parenting can be misunderstood- I don’t think it was ever meant to be a no consequences framework. Just consequences delivered without aggression and dominance.

It doesn't sound like gentle parenting if there are no boundaries or natural consequences- it is raising kids with empathy and clear boundaries. Acknowledging their feelings without shame or yelling but enforcing boundaries and as part of that comes natural consequences.

Natural consequences aren’t always practical. The natural consequence to my child messing about in the morning and not getting in the car seat is that I am late for work and eventually lose my job and then not have any money for nice things for ds. But er … that isn’t going to happen! Same with things like refusing to brush teeth or go to bed at a sensible time. I’ve no objection to natural consequences but they aren’t always workable.

He goes to Montessori five days a week and behaves very well.

I might be overthinking things a bit, but as I mentioned earlier, he will begin school in September, and the schools we've applied to do not accept any nonsense or misbehaviour. I know he will face difficulties in adapting and following rules.

Without wanting to state the obvious.... No wonder he's badly behaved.

You've admitted you overlook bad behaviour.

You're beyond gentle parenting and into the "not bothering" parenting.

Just an idea but you could find out what his new school does with regards to unkind/defiant behaviour.

Eg At my kids school, when they were younger, they get sat on a corner of the carpet away from the others, with a timer.

Then you could try using these same methods at home before he starts school, so that he knows what to expect in that regard (just in case he does struggle at school)

There is a lot of info out there about kids who are well behaved at nursery/school but aren't at home, I know it feels like it, but you aren't alone in this.

At Montessori he presumably gets to choose his own activity and timetable. It is not uncommon for nd children to behave at school, with fixed rules , boundaries and expectations but then be different at home. However you need to establish now what is down to your relaxed parenting style and what else, if anything, may lie behind his behaviour. Does his father do the same approach with him, with same results? Is the chosen school private?

I would never allow our son to sit in a corner away from us, nor would I send him to a school that employs that method as a form of discipline.

I find that form of discipline to be both disgusting and cruel.

I wasn't saying that you had to do this with your child or send them to a school like this.

I was just trying to help.

He is not in a corner! He will be in the same room, sat quietly on the mat where they do circle time. The best idea is to remove him(or you) from the situation to calm down and rethink. He sounds bright, telling you he is not listening. So find a safe space for him to go when he feels like that. Ask the Montessori how they would deal with similar behaviour(not necessarily his) so he sees it in practice there and you can use similar techniques.

In a corner away from you isn't that bad. You're still in the room and he's being given a consequence for poor behaviour. He gets less attention for a couple of minutes, because his behaviour was poor.

If your son hits you now, do you really do nothing?

In the adult world, we get consequences for poor behaviour too. Children struggle to link actions with longer term consequences, hence using short consequences just after the behaviour has happened. You're really doing your son a disservice long term by refusing to give any consequences for poor behaviour.

Typically, my husband doesn't get involved in when our 4-year-old is misbehaving, but recently he's been supportive.

Yes, he will be going to a private day school.

Why does your husband not get involved?

The more you post the more off this dynamic sounds.

He believes that it is my responsibility as a mother to discipline the children, for that reason, he usually chooses not to get involved.

He says his mum managed everything, so his dad never needed to intervene. I have discussed her grandson's behaviour with his mum, yet she always finds reasons to excuse him.

“Oh he must be tired, leave him”
“Maybe because where he has been outside for most of the day”
“X was the same as a child”

Did his mum manage it all through gentle parenting?

The whole situation sounds odd and non typical. Normally both parents are involved with bringing up a child. Just because his dad wasn't, doesn't mean he can't.

The view of mil that his df was similar is concerning as is his distance from bad behaviour and discipline. You are in danger if falling into being the bad cop if you tell him off. It is both your responsibilities to parent your child, ideally together and consistently. You presumably realise private schools can manage out children whose behaviour does not fit or whose needs they cannot support.

His mother was quite strict with him during his upbringing, yet she allows 'Nannies Baby' to do as he wishes without facing any consequences.