Don’t want to terminate but feel trapped.

[BrandNewTeapot]

Recently found out I’m seven weeks pregnant, I truly didn’t realise as I have irregular cycles due to PCOS and I was on the coil. Coil has since been removed, no bleeds. Private scan was fine. I only tested as I’d felt so dizzy.

But life isn’t. I’m 32, I’ve just started a new job which is a fixed term contract after being made redundant. Had to find something pretty quick.

Due to end next January. Baby will be born in September. My boyfriend of seven years (didn’t live together) has decided to end our relationship and doesn’t want any involvement with the baby. This is out of character for him as our relationship has always been pretty good (shared hobbies etc) and he openly wanted to children “one day”. He’s made it clear he wants me but not the baby. I can’t accept this. We don’t live together.

I own my own home, so baby and I will have somewhere to live but my bills come to £1900 a month. I earn £2600 currently. I have £3000 in savings. I’m terrified about SMP, being on maternity leave and not being able to afford my mortgage or bills and the bailiffs coming knocking when I have a newborn. Ex is a police officer so I will be able to claim maintenance as he has a solid job. He has blocked me and no word from him, fucking coward. But I’ve messaged his parents and they can’t believe he’s being like this, but want to know their grandchild.

I want this baby, I want to make it work. I’m strong and have good family support and a lovely home, but I’m so scared of paying everything on £700 a month SMP plus say £300 maintenance. I don’t know how I’ll pay council tax or how we’ll eat. If I get a job as soon as baby’s born again, how will I afford nursery? I have my savings but I’ll need to buy things for the baby. My family are emotionally supportive, and will help best they can, but they can’t financially nor with time as my parents both work full time.

id appreciate any advice at all.

Save save save - you’ll also get child benefit which will help.

did you calculate the £300?

there may be other entitlements such as free childcare and possibly universal credit

can you cut back anywhere to bring down your costs? Temporary lodger to increase savings?

You don’t need as much for a baby as you are made to think you do! Second hand is great for many things!

I’d definitely consider a lodger. I have a 3 bedroom house but, I wouldn’t feel comfortable nor would I think it was fair on them living with a newborn.

@BrandNewTeapot Any way you could move in with parents for a while when baby is born and rent out your house? Could you rent out a room in your house? Like to a student Mon-Friday scenario? You want this baby. Hope this works out for you. They are worth it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m sorry to hear about the circumstances 💐

Can you contact your local Citizens Advice for an appointment? Their advice is free and their advisor will be able to give you an idea of what you’d be entitled to if you’re not working.

You can also get some idea here https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/benefits-introduction/what-benefits-can-i-get/

You should also get maintainance from your ex.

Make sure you’re claiming your single person council tax discount now if you’re living on your own.

If you are in a union or trade association for your work, check if they have a hardship fund if you need it in future, or any other resources.

And although it’s likely impractical with a newborn, do you have a spare room you could rent out?

Sorry cross post.

Could you downsize and free up some money?

Have you thought about a mortgage holiday, seeing whether you can go interest-only for a period, generally any flexibility there is to reduce mortgage payments? There is a cost to all these but may help in the short to medium term.

If you want the baby you will make it work. You will be able to get help with UC as a single parent, although hopefully the dad may reconsider helping as he gets used to the news. There are loads of use baby things to get from various places and free cycle. There is a lot of help out there once you start researching.

It depends who the lodger is. You could try and find another single parent with a child?

Damn your arsehole ex 🤬

Use the entitled to calculator to work out what you be able to claim in terms of financial support.

I wouldn’t be able to move back in with my mum and dad as they live in a two bed flat annoyingly and use the other bedroom as their only wardrobe space, desk etc for their jobs. Wardrobes are fitted too and it’s tiny.

Hopefully he comes around but even if he does I’ve got the massive fucking ick. He wouldn’t even have a conversation about keeping it.

I only bought my house 15 months ago so not sure if there’s going to be any equity in it yet etc but definitely a thought. Not sure I’d make much from it :(

If you truly want to be a parent and have this baby, you will find a way. Dh was in an £18k a year job and I was a postgraduate student when we had our first. We had a bit of family help the first few years, but no benefits (as I am an immigrant and we can’t claim any benefits because of that). We made it work. And this was before all the help with childcare, funded hours, tax free childcare, we paid for nursery at full price.

Oh wow I am so sorry you are in this situation 😞 do your parent’s have space for you and the baby? Could you rent your house?

Spend as little as you can on things for the baby, get everything second hand and save as much as you can now.

Any chance they might keep you on at work?

Can you continue to look around for another job that's permanent? That way at least you should have a job to go back to.

Check entitled to to work out what you'll get on maternity leave and after it makes it easier to plan. Just becsuse he's in the police don't take the maintance as a given. It can take a while to sort out. Although will eventually one way or another.

If you want this baby you'll make it work. People have in worse situations.

Find a lodger who is the right fit and find out your entitlements - you might have a slightly rough first year but it will get better and you will have the baby for life. Things like buggies and cots are the big costs in the first year but if you get things second hand, breast feed etc you can keep costs relatively low. I am completely pro choice but I would be asking myself how I would feel if I terminate and don’t get pregnant again (my mum has friends this has happened to and some feel sad about it decades later, others are happy enough with their choices - another friend terminated and then had kids in her late 30’s through ivf after years of infertility - she feels she did the right thing as she was only 20 at the time).

You are only 32 so you still have time to have other babies but we also don’t know what the future will bring. I waited years for the right moment to have a kid - career, health and finance wise - and only had one at 39 as a result. I wish I had had her 10 years earlier so she could have a sibling and so we had more energy to enjoy our time together as kids have crazy energy! I had actually ended up unemployed during covid, as my job had a huge events element and I was on a fixed term contract. It was financially not a great time and has had an effect on my career, but I am so glad I had her!

would you consider getting universal credit top up? that should help until you are back on your feet and they will also help to pay for childcare a bit?

Have you done cms calculation.

keep the baby, you will make it work.

He just doesn't want to be a father.
I never wanted neither did I have any children.
The OP had a coil fitted and a history of PCOS, so he presumed pregnancy wasn't probable.
He will have to pay child maintenance, though.

You have time to start saving. You could advertise now for a 6 month lodger and save it all. If you are near a university, large infrastructure build, or business centre, there are often people looking for short stays. Or airbnb the rooms for anyone looking to have a short break wherever you are.

Ditch the social life and spend as little as humanly possible between now and then. Look for things like a pram second hand and buy basic supermarket clothes for the child. You probably won't be able to have a year off work, but neither did I or lots of others. Would either your or his parents be able to help with childcare when you go back to work?

Men can be just sh*theads! Now he decides to leave, when he finds out you're pregnant!! I've no words. On your side of things though, It sounds to me like you have a good chance of making it work. Yes, life will be busy. But it sounds like you have the setup to make it work. There is help out there for childcare costs also. I think a lot of people aren't properly prepared for when a baby comes along but it usually tends to work out in the end. Consider your own health/fitness also. You'll need to be able for school runs, doing a lot of tasks yourself if you're income is uncertain

Could your mum and dad move in with you instead? Share the bills with them whilst they rent out their flat?

You can just tell a lodger it’s got a time limit. Sometimes people lodge because they often only want temporary accommodation.
Id say you could save like mad, plus apply for support from ex the moment baby is born.

you can probably look up how much a police officer of his level/years in service gets approx gets and then get a better idea of maintenance.

remember you can still apply for jobs when pregnant

Take a lodger in and give them a 6 month contract