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Original poster

Why isn't a central list of funerals.

91 replies

Worryabouteverything · 22/01/2026 09:43

Someone we know very well. The deceased husband is the only contact we have.
They had no children.
Nothing is on social media. Nor in the local paper.
We only have 2 funeral directors in town and we have phoned them.
Unfortunately neither have any details.
We are now wondering if it's a direct funeral.
Any suggestions on how we can find out.

OP posts:
Miranda65 · 22/01/2026 15:45

icantkeepdoingthisnow · 22/01/2026 15:20

That’s not the case for a wedding! You only turn up if you’re in possession of an invite.

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A wedding in church is definitely public - anyone can attend (that's the whole point).

IPoopRainblows · 22/01/2026 15:59

ChevernyRose · 22/01/2026 13:18

In England it's very much about personal choice. You are given choices when you go to the funeral director. Do you want to view the body? Church or crem? Advertise or not. Burial or cremation. Memorial stone or scatter ashes? Lots of different cultural backgrounds and personal preferences here and that is respected rather than one size fits all being expected.

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Same in Ireland, no one is forced to have an open funeral, wake, and burials and cremation are of course available options.
You don’t have to publish a death notice but the vast vast majority of people do via the funeral home.

Original poster
Worryabouteverything · 22/01/2026 16:09

Book club organiser has texted the number.
The reply was that nothing has been arranged yet and they will let her know when the funeral is.
I believe she died on 12th January or maybe the weekend before.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 22/01/2026 17:07

OhDear111 · 22/01/2026 13:40

@HundredsandHundreds In the uk, people tend to be invited by family. If people hours away (a whole village) are invited, great. Here we like to know numbers for catering and have some control. Many funerals are family only and later there’s a memorial service. Just different - but overall people who turn up who only very loosely “know”
or know of the deceased are often viewed as being there for booze and food, not respect or affection. We like to control numbers as crematoriums have different spaces available too and parking is limited.

Maybe that's how it works in your part of the UK, but not in Scotland.

icantkeepdoingthisnow · 22/01/2026 17:08

Worryabouteverything · 22/01/2026 16:09

Book club organiser has texted the number.
The reply was that nothing has been arranged yet and they will let her know when the funeral is.
I believe she died on 12th January or maybe the weekend before.

Yeah that’s totally normal.

MyThreeWords · 22/01/2026 18:00

The service was absolutely packed when my son died. I was pleased, relieved and vaguely surprised because I just hadn't been in a place to actively inform all of the various sets of people who might have wanted to attend.
I felt warmly, very warmly, towards everyone who came.
The whole thing was a blur for me. I was glad of social conventions that made people feel confident of coming without an invite. It meant that I didn't have such a burden on me to arrange attendance.
There were people there that I didn't know at all, but who had relationships with my son. They were traumatised by his death, and even if their attendance had been neutral (or even mildly negative) for me, I do feel that I had a responsibility to welcome them. As it turned out, I also benefited hugely from them being there.

TheToothFairy999 · 23/01/2026 02:48

Seeingadistance · 22/01/2026 17:07

Maybe that's how it works in your part of the UK, but not in Scotland.

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My experience is that anyone who wants to pay their last respects can attend and at the end of the service people are told they’re welcome to follow on to such and such a place/the house for refreshments. In all my years I’ve never been to a memorial service in Scotland or anywhere else.

TheToothFairy999 · 23/01/2026 02:57

@MyThreeWords I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling son. After reading your post, it’s no surprise that so many people attended his funeral. He must have been a truly beautiful soul—just like you.

ohdearmemummy · 23/01/2026 07:00

bcski · 22/01/2026 10:58

Sad as it is or you when you want to pay your respects, it's up to the family to decide what type of funeral it is and whether they put out an official notice or not. Some people just want close family there (often the case with tragic, sudden deaths), some people might want to make sure certain people don't attend (if there's been issues with particular people in the family or wider friendship group), sometimes there isn't space at whatever venue it is, and sometimes people have direct funerals.

And also it can depend on how they died. If there's had to be an autopsy/referral to the coroner the family might not be able to even start to organize the funeral until 3 or 4 weeks after the death.

If he's just died in the last couple of weeks I would keep checking the notices. Don't ring funeral homes - that's massively overstepping the mark. If nothing appears in the death notices online then you have to accept that they've decided to have a private funeral, which is their right.

This

Hotel785634 · 23/01/2026 07:04

Church of England weddings legally HAVE to be public events. They can only take place during daylight hours (I think it’s 8-6 but I’d have to check) and the doors have to be open to allow anyone in who might want to object, Jane Eyre style, to the union. The whole point of reading the banns in the weeks before and of asking whether anyone knows any reason in law why the couple may not be married… is that the public gets to know and if necessary to object.

Atstritchsitchfitch · 23/01/2026 07:08

Our local crematorium publishes a diary with names or initials.

SardinesOnButteredToast · 23/01/2026 07:30

AnSolas · 22/01/2026 15:22

You dont turn up for "booze and free" food in Ireland because you will understand the culture or can ask someone who will. Or if you do you can be quickly educated that mooching of your NDN is just rude.

The community is told if the family want something different or something to not happen.

You bring food to the house if you go to the house console the family and friends and offer help and to be consloed by your family and friends.
You know you can go or need to ask if its ok by who passed on the death notice.

You attend the public bits of service(s) and offer condolence and are offered consolation if it is appropiate.

If the family want everybody to attend a meal it will be by open public invitation or if not its by direct personal invite.

If you are not invited you go home.
If you are invited and not family or a very close family friend you politely say "thank you lets meet up when you are ready" and you go home.

The family dont have to work out a guest list of who can come or send out personal invitations.

The UK and Ireland just have different social rules.

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I've really appreciated the details of your posts here and have enjoyed learning more about Ireland. Even as a Scot, so much difference in culture! Thanks for the sharing.

AnSolas · 24/01/2026 09:28

@SardinesOnButteredToast thanks* *for liking the hijack.🙃

Its not perfect as the people you may not want to be there will turn up. If so everyone has to be coldly polite as going viral by making a scene will be forever remembered as s/he is the one who...

Original poster
Worryabouteverything · 15/03/2026 20:19

A very late update.
The deceased died 12 th January in hospital.
For some reason the funeral is not taking place until 1st April.
All we know is that she was admitted with a heart attack.
She had poor health issues for a while.

OP posts:
TheToothFairy999 · 16/03/2026 14:06

@Worryabouteverything if the lady is being buried is it possible they’ve had to wait for the weather to improve so her grave can be dug.

Original poster
Worryabouteverything · 16/03/2026 15:34

@TheToothFairy999service is at the crematorium. Think it's a long time between death and service.

OP posts:
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