Potential Unwanted visitor

[Flippingheckwtf]

This is a bit weird and not sure how to deal. One of my parents died a few years ago. They were friends with this couple for years and we used to go over to their house when I was growing up and play with their kids etc. Other parent has stayed in touch with them since our bereavement and they drop by every now and then. I chat a bit if I see them but I'm introverted while he's very loud and has no filter.

For some reason the man has decided that he wants to visit me at home. My parent mentioned this to me after they'd visited once. I have dogs, he doesn't like dogs but apparently wants to see mine?! It's very bizarre and I kinda laughed it off at first when he mentioned it but he keeps saying to my parent that he'll need to drop in and see me! I wfh a couple days a week and don't want this guy coming over. My parent had at some point mentioned which street I live in just in conversation but once he started saying he'll go over they gave him the wrong house number.

I'm just at parents house now and they saw the couple yesterday and apparently the guy was over looking for me last week! He went to the incorrect house number he'd been given and of course someone else answered.

I think he's harmless just nosey but don't understand this sudden desire to visit my house,
maybe there's some cognitive issues or neurodiversity at play. Parent said this guy is always doing bizarre things. Just not sure what to do if he randomly appears at my door! Apart from say I'm busy. So weird.

You don't have to get a camera doorbell, but you could get a camera to point at your front door, so you can check via your phone who's there. It's less than £20, one off payment. Do you have a windowsill that you could set it on that points towards the door or front path?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/TP-LINK-Security-Required-Storage-TC60/dp/B08K3LTVPD/ref=sr_1_5?crid=2NGYBDV78AHAC&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.W72ww-4myH3oVG7bLtO6c_GHgjVi3A6wdFSQvm0bCafZyFBFTV8xBLbxCKwuB3N00TG5I0Q3onqVogoYF-4p5FVWFriKuxplArxaSKqJYPJgV_AGP-cu5RYxHUSp-6pCp4RdQfyvBGW65tBs-vzkG41IeQslPmha4TGk5v0w78tCLDlM6OaEy2wZqbdhqCLHLdd2TqpAEWJoO5igxdOhZZ4FyaYe_7bHe3TlLGPeOwQ.fdQYg11Lb2giCVrXVnef7VHx5ZQ3O1u3PdHMvMegCeg&dib_tag=se&keywords=tapco+camera&qid=1768763190&sprefix=tapc%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-5

If he mentions it again when you’re visiting your parent, could you try to make a joke of it - i.e.”Oh Harry, you’re not one of these people who thinks WFH is a day off, are you? I wish! I’m on calls all day!”?

OP you do not have to be polite. Ask your parent to tell him that you would not under any circumstances appreciate a visit, and that he is not to visit you. You can also tell him very directly, “MR X thankyou for the thought however I would appreciate if you didn’t call round as I do not like people coming to my house.”

Would you just say which parent is which?

Trust your instinct. His behaviour is odd and he probably doesn’t intend anything you’d welcome.

Eufy doorbell cheap and no subscription fees

This reminds me of a thread here, recently: a police lady saw someone's that age , apparent great bereavement issue shared on fb and how he is ohhhh so lonely. She invited him and had him for whole 8 h.....then he started trying to turn up every day with two lattes in hand, a silly smile and a weird sleezy expression.

what is not to compare here right???

I am sorry OP but I've seen lots of posts on MN like this about men his age wanting to get in contact/be random friends with younger women they like and know and every single time the man has turned out to be a colossal pervert and has tried something inappropriate/sexual. Its also happened to me with an elderly male neighbour I tried to be kind to.

You dont need an expensive ring doorbell, just discretely look out the window and if its him do NOT answer the door. If you can't look out the window then simply dont answer the door, if its post they'll leave a pick up card.The world won't end just because you dont answer the door to someone and you are not obliged to let this man who is possibly a pervert in.

My instinct is that something isn't right with the man. If he is there next time you visit your parent you could just say Sorry the dogs do not like callers and could get upset .To me the neighbour is insistent and it could end badly. Best to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. I would hate to hear he had attacked you or worse so do not let him in. It just seems very odd to me. I really hope that you are safe OP. I wish you all the best of luck.

Obviously you dont have to, and shouldnt have anyone in your own home that you don't want there. However, I'm kind of torn on how weird this is, everyone seems to think it is (him wanting to visit, not him ignoring the vibe it's unwelcome) but i am not so sure. You haven't said which parent sadly passed away, if it was your father, is he seeing himself as filling a gap? You say you have known him a lot of your life, went to his house as a child, played with his kids and still see him now as an adult - he must feel he has watched you grow up. I have family friends like this and when in our area (we moved away from where I grew up), they message and pop in for tea - they're like aunties/uncles and whilst not "my" friends I'd always be welcome at theirs and vice versa, theyre old family friends and theyve known me since childhood. My dh lost a parent as a child and his parents friends are even more like this, I suspect because they recognise and feel some responsibility to keep an eye on him for his mum (as she's no longer here). His mums friends send my children gifts every birthday and christmas but dont really know them other than ocassionally seeing them if theyre passing by. They check up on how he is, and send christmas cards. Theyd always be welcome here because of that connection through his mum, and because they've kept an eye out for him his whole life and of course they like seeing him settled in his own home with his kids and seeing where he is at and having a cuppa. This man clearly isn't picking up on anyone's signals that this is unwelcome though, which is a bit odd!

Whether it's weird or not, you're totally entitled to tell him no And to not have him at your house!

I'd say next time you see him "sorry it's not possible, I'm busy working and my dogs don't like strangers. If you want to see me then see me here". Keep repeating, ask your parents to repeat, avoid seeing him and get a ring doorbell.

That’s seriously weird. Your parents need to tell him in no uncertain terms that no, you won’t be wanting him to pop in because you’re very busy (and he’s a weirdo)

Put a chain lock on your door too, and use it whenever you open the door, just in case he does turn up and tries to barge in.

Please ignore all the advice to give him excuses that you're working etc. Excuses just give them an opportunity to negotiate - "oh in that case I'll pop back when you're finished" and so on. And the next excuse is just another challenge for him to overcome. Besides, we don't owe men excuses or gentle letdowns when they approach us and we don't want them to. It's not acceptable behaviour by them.

He needs to hear a decisive No. There's nothing rude about saying no in this situation. He needs to be sent away with a flea on his ear. "Mr Buggins, you are not to come to my house." Repeat firmly until he gets it. Don't explain. If he makes the Sad Face, ignore it. If you don't put a stop to it, you'll face endless pestering, or possibly worse.

So he’s bothering your widowed parent, and now he’s bothering you?

They only charge a subscription if you want to save recordings, see who rang bell earlier etc.

I think if you just want it live it’s free.

They work well and are quite easy to set up.

Don’t answer the door otherwise he will know you live there. Maybe even mention to your neighbours not to confirm where you are if a bothersome man turns up.

Also if you live alone - can you put something like a decoy by the front door to throw him off the scent - like a huge pair of men’s boots / Hi-viz jacket etc / so he thinks you have a man living with you?

I wouldn't let him in. I understand that others have had nicer experiences, but my dad had a lot of friends, all married. A few of them came to see me when I set up up home and as a single mum, and another long after that. Every one of them that came over tied it on with me, despite knowing me from a young age.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're still relatively young it's a possibility.

If he wants to check on you, or discuss his wife's illness, he can that at your parent's house, or through your parent.

I'm also going to add another door camera into the mix - Blink. You do get a free 30 day subscription, but if you put a memory card in it, it records as well as doing live coverage.

Where on earth did you imagine that from? I think you need to keep your issues to yourself. You have absolutely no evidence for your bizarre assumption!

Er, she read OP's posts:

His wife has ill health and was in hospital when he went looking for my house last week.

Second this, but I've got a Blink one (also Amazon) which is much cheaper and doesn't use a subscription.

Well.he sounds a bit neurodivergent and probably doesnt realise it's inappropriate. Just never let him in.

Your parent needs to be clear with them it’s probably not appropriate to go round, you live in your own and don’t really like guests. You need to instruct your parent to message that, not make up house numbers to have him driving around.

If he insists, say he can pop round when you visit your parent and then schedule a Sunday or something.

It is very very weird behaviour. However if he isn’t reading the situation, nobody is doing anything to deter him. He’s likely either start of dementia or ND.

There are other cheaper camera doorbells where you do not need a subsciption.

This guy sounds so strange!

Your house, your space. You don’t need to let him in even if he shows up. Ring doorbells are expensive. We have a Tapo video doorbell. A fraction of the price (on offer!), no subscription and easy to use.

Stick a sticker on your front door about no unwanted callers. You don’t need to justify why you don’t want to see him. And he should respect boundaries regardless of his potential issues.

Would you just say which parent is which?

Would it affect your advice?

This is silly, OP. You and your surviving parent both seem to struggle with assertiveness, if you’re all of a dither about him calling, and your parent gave him the wrong address rather than just saying you worked from home and wouldn’t welcome visitors. Tell your parent to say you don’t like visitors and are busy if it’s raised again, and if he actually shows up, just look taken aback and say ‘I’m in the middle of my working day, Alan’ and don’t let him in. It’s not that hard.