What to do about socially isolated husband

[MyKindHiker]

I know this is famously a problem for men in their 40s so others may have some ideas and experiences to share.

Our kids are getting a bit bigger now, and I've had a bit of a renaissance in my life. Having a bit more mental space I feel I've rediscovered myself a bit, I've joined some clubs, made lots of new friends, rekindled some friendships which were left to wane through the early years of parenthood. It's been great.

Husband has not had the same experience. Many of his old friends have moved away, or friendships have been left to wither on the vine. He doesn't have any hobbies - his hobbies used to be drinking and socializing basically, but then that got replaced by parenting, and now the parenting is less intensive than it used to be there's just nothing.

He's a pretty controlling / independent guy so my attempts to get him out and about or persuade him to take up sports or join clubs have come to nothing as he can see from a mile off what I'm trying to do.

Our kids have special needs and their education set-up is quite complex so there's no school gates culture which is hard in general. I've actively gone out and made parent friends in support groups for kids who have the same disability my kids have but he doesn't want to do that. I've introduced him to some of the dads from that community but he hates feeling he's being set up on playdates (fair) so again it's come to nothing. It's definitely an issue that with dads of other disabled kids he feels that everyone just talks about their kid's disability, but with parents of non-disabled kids (like his work colleagues) he gets very sad when they talk about their kids of similar ages and scholarships and instruments and achievements and things as it reminds him of the things our kids can't do.

So all this would be fine except he does get quite resentful with me going out and about. I invite him along but my hobbies are a bit niche and he isn't interested, but I don't want to just stay home all the time like I did for the last decade or just go for dinner just us because he doesn't have an alternative. Often when I have plans I book a babysitter anyway so he has the freedom that he could go out and do a thing for himself whilst I'm out so he's not always the one doing bedtime with the kids, but generally he ends up cancelling or he'll just go and sit in the pub by himself.

Do I just leave it and accept that's life and deal with his moodiness a few times a week when I want go and do stuff?

I agree. I'm out 3x a week doing things without my dh, we wouldn't dream of trying to stop me.

I picked up two things from your post. One: he is controlling/independent (your words) and two: he is moody when you go out.

Those things are a bit red flag-y aren’t they?
You are out having fun and he resents it perhaps? But you say you do things together (I wonder if you have a nice time when you do that?) Is it that you feel bad (guilty? sad?) he isn’t out having a lovely time, in which case this is about how you feel, or is about you feeling sorry for him and wanting him to be happier (or less resentful when you go what you want)?

I echo what others have said, he isn’t someone you can arrange play dates for and it isn’t your responsibility to get him a social life. Help facilitate IF that’s what he wants, sure, but you can’t do it for him.

If the undercurrent is that he is moody and resentful he will be hard to love. Maybe that’s what you are telling us?

He’s not your problem to solve. He also sounds like a bit of a dick 🤷‍♀️

His old friends don't sound like they were ever his friends at all.

When I've faced difficulties in life my friends have been a lifesaver - supportive, understanding, distracting - whatever I needed at the time. His let him down or were shallow/competitive people who were social buddies, not real friends.

I imagine this has made him lose faith in people a bit. I get that.

Starting somewhere where the aim is to do things he enjoys rather than make friends might be a way forward. A PP suggested fund raising and that might be just brilliant for him, or volunteering in a field that interests him or studying. Through that he might find friends with shared interests, kinder people, deeper connections than he thought possible. All the opportunity for friends but none of the immediate pressure to make bonds or socialise because the focus will be the charity/task/study.

That is how I have made friends later on in life.

I let DH sort himself out with his social life (or not as the case may be). I have a million responsibilities and his social life is not one of them. He's a grown up. If he'd ask me for advice how to make new friends I would offer suggestions for him to try and that would be the extent of support I would be prepared to offer.