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Original poster

What to do about socially isolated husband

30 replies

MyKindHiker · 15/01/2026 12:24

I know this is famously a problem for men in their 40s so others may have some ideas and experiences to share.

Our kids are getting a bit bigger now, and I've had a bit of a renaissance in my life. Having a bit more mental space I feel I've rediscovered myself a bit, I've joined some clubs, made lots of new friends, rekindled some friendships which were left to wane through the early years of parenthood. It's been great.

Husband has not had the same experience. Many of his old friends have moved away, or friendships have been left to wither on the vine. He doesn't have any hobbies - his hobbies used to be drinking and socializing basically, but then that got replaced by parenting, and now the parenting is less intensive than it used to be there's just nothing.

He's a pretty controlling / independent guy so my attempts to get him out and about or persuade him to take up sports or join clubs have come to nothing as he can see from a mile off what I'm trying to do.

Our kids have special needs and their education set-up is quite complex so there's no school gates culture which is hard in general. I've actively gone out and made parent friends in support groups for kids who have the same disability my kids have but he doesn't want to do that. I've introduced him to some of the dads from that community but he hates feeling he's being set up on playdates (fair) so again it's come to nothing. It's definitely an issue that with dads of other disabled kids he feels that everyone just talks about their kid's disability, but with parents of non-disabled kids (like his work colleagues) he gets very sad when they talk about their kids of similar ages and scholarships and instruments and achievements and things as it reminds him of the things our kids can't do.

So all this would be fine except he does get quite resentful with me going out and about. I invite him along but my hobbies are a bit niche and he isn't interested, but I don't want to just stay home all the time like I did for the last decade or just go for dinner just us because he doesn't have an alternative. Often when I have plans I book a babysitter anyway so he has the freedom that he could go out and do a thing for himself whilst I'm out so he's not always the one doing bedtime with the kids, but generally he ends up cancelling or he'll just go and sit in the pub by himself.

Do I just leave it and accept that's life and deal with his moodiness a few times a week when I want go and do stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKindHiker · 15/01/2026 12:26

Update: We do still do things just us. I just don't want to drop the things I do with other people because he doesn't like being left behind.

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 15/01/2026 12:34

You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty going out with your friends because he doesn’t have any and more importantly, won’t help himself. You’ve tried to help him and suggest ideas but it he is going to be stubborn and not make an effort then leave him to it.

VillageFete · 15/01/2026 12:53

Similar boat here…

When eldest was baby, I did the lion’s share whilst he was out having a ball. I didn’t do much or have many hobbies. We were early 20’s then.

We had 2 other children in our 30’s and I feel as though i’m getting my life back now - although to be fair I made it a priority to socialise and have fun a long time ago, even when the youngest 2 were babies.

He has no interest in hobbies, socialising etc… He’s constantly just “there” in my way 🙈 I actively encourage him to meet up with friends but he doesn’t want to. He has a close knit group of childhood friends but all of their relationships have broken down and my DP feels he has nothing in common with them anymore.

I have hobbies, I love to socialise, I like to exercise- he does nothing anymore. I feel he resents me for it too. He’d much rather I didn’t have a life outside of the home, and i’d much rather he did.

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Families
Meadowfinch · 15/01/2026 12:54

Buy him a clay pigeon shooting day for his birthday.

Hopefully he'll get chatting in the clubhouse afterwards. The shooting community is very friendly.

FuzzyWolf · 15/01/2026 12:56

Does he actually want to make changes? It doesn’t sound as if he does.

Assuming he does, what about any local clubs for children that he can volunteer at and your children can go along to eg training SEN football etc?

Helpwithdivorce · 15/01/2026 12:59

id just carry on as you are and if he makes comments tell him he’s free to go out whenever he likes as are you. If he chooses not to that’s up to him

SirChenjins · 15/01/2026 13:03

I'm in the same boat. DH has literally no friends of his own and has no hobbies o interests. He used to be very hands on when the kids were younger and did all the ferrying about to sports clubs - which was great as I didn't have to stand on a muddy field in the rain watching boys play rugby or football - and he would chat to the other parents. Now, he goes to work, chats to his work colleagues, and comes home. No interest in socialising or joining clubs whatsoever. We've both joined a gym, so I'm hoping he'll at least start going to that on his own.

I think some people are just like that - and many of my friends' husbands are the same. Does worry me though - if I was to die before him, he'd be a bit of a recluse.

blackheartsgirl · 15/01/2026 13:09

Leave him to it.youve tried to help him and it looks like he won’t help himself and then wants to drag you down as well

Ive got no time for people like this, Either they help themselves and get out there or don’t. Then they’ve got the cheek to whine that you’ve got a life and want to move forward a bit.

Absolutely fine if people don’t want to socialise, have hobbies etc but don’t stop others doing it.

my ex partner was like this, drove me nuts. He’s still like it now apparantly

Sunnydayze43 · 15/01/2026 13:12

Do you have a community centre nearby?

What DH and I did, when we too finally had a bit of freedom from being home, was go online to our CC and find some programmes ( out of so many) that we thought would be nice to at least try.
I did have to persuade him though, asking him to come for me, just for a while, telling him that I felt awkward going on my own.
We each had a nice time, meeting other people with similar interests, many of whom were in the same 'loose end' situation as we were.
In time, we branched out, each to their own interests, and made friends.
It's really rounded out our free time, we still go out together, but we now have outside interests with others, and more things to talk about, and to look forward to as well.

Parky04 · 15/01/2026 13:31

My DH joined a cricket club at the age of 47. He has made lots of new friends. Joins them at the pub on a Friday, and goes abroad on cricket tours.

To make new friends you have to make the effort. It sounds as though your DH doesn't want to.

CatsWhiskersandClaws · 15/01/2026 13:43

This is a tricky time in relationships. I saw a lot of my parents’ friends’ marriages fail when kids left home. This is further impacted by your kids additional needs too.
You'll trap yourself and stay on an endless loop of trying to help him if you try to do anything other than crack on and live your own independent life here. You’ve invited him to come with you and he’s said no in many different little ways. I don’t mean split up (necessarily) but what you’ve written reads as though you’re perpetually acting like a rescuer (read the drama triangle). The only other position then available to him is victim unless he wants to try the perpetrator position and make you the victim. That’s a dance that is probably already happening. The way out of the drama triangle is adult to adult interaction every time. AI is great for helping you rework emotive stuff as adult and more neutral. You clearly understand and listen and want to work on this together. He’s not showing any willingness yet to do that. I doubt very much that is a lack of understanding. The current (or now previous) set up served him well and didn’t serve you without too much cost. Don’t be fooled by any “I don’t understand” “you need to explain” from him or sulking about you going out. Both these things are designed to try and get your to stkrink back into your usual role. (By designed I don’t mean it’s necessarily a conscious decision).

Maryberrysbouffant · 15/01/2026 13:50

It’s his issue, not yours.

If he won’t even listen to your suggestions he’s going to just have to lump it tbh. Generally, men aren’t as good at making/maintaining friendships as women. I have lots of friends and my DH has a couple who he goes for a pint with sometimes but they often go weeks without speaking to each other. When they do go out they talk about surface level stuff like football, and I’ll ask him when he gets home “How is X? Wife and kids ok?” And I’ll get “dunno, didn’t really ask”.

Whatever you do, hang on to your hobbies/friends and don’t let him guilt you into giving them up!

ChurchWindows · 15/01/2026 14:17

You can only lead your own life OP, you can't lead his.

What you don't have to put up with though is him sulking or making life difficult for you when you lead your own life. That's the bit you really have influence over - don't put up with it or you'll end up unable to lead the life you want or walking on eggshells.

He does him. He lets you do you.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 15/01/2026 14:32

You can't make him want to go out and do stuff, thats something he has to sort out for himself.

You can however tell him that his moodiness with you isn't acceptable, that it's not something you're willing to put up with, and that it makes you want to spend less time with him not more. And that if he doesn't knock it on the head, then at some point its going to mean the end of the relationship.

Original poster
MyKindHiker · 15/01/2026 15:21

Thanks everyone for some really thoughtful responses.

I guess the reason I want to help is because he's a super social person, he hates being on his own (hence getting annoyed with me being out more these days) and so I know he's not happy with the status quo. But he just doesn't have 'his people' any more. I'm not even sure he knows who his people are to be honest... his former mates were all oxbridge / finance bro types who were really competitive and all acted like he'd somehow 'lost' at life because our kids are born different. It hit him hard.

BUT what one of the posts said about not falling into victim / savior patterns is just so sensible. I can't do this for him. But I don't intend to compromise my own life either.

OP posts:
ClarityofVision · 15/01/2026 15:32

Reading your update, I wonder if the activity that would work for your DH would be something with a competitive angle and a goal of fundraising for facilities / resources for children who have your children's disability. So, having his head held high doing something in support of (informed by his understanding of) his wonderful kids. The competitive angle could just be about the amount raised or running a marathon or anything that suits him. It might provide the motivation he is lacking, and if he is more of a leader than a team player then he can be the one who sets it up.

Carbooboo · 15/01/2026 16:04

This is not your problem to solve. I find it so sad how many women (myself included) go through life trying to solve other people's problems, especially their male partners. I am only realising this now at the age of 35. It gets a good slagging but I found "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins immensely helpful. It has helped me to let go of the idea that my job is to solve my partners problems and make him happy.

He chooses to spend his evenings listening to podcasts, doesnt have any friends of his own, and is terrible at keeping in touch with people. These are not problems I need to solve, and neither do you for your husband.

Thunderdcc · 15/01/2026 16:08

This is a bit niche, but I always joke about DH joining the Rotary / Lions when he retires and he looks horrified. The other day we went to a bird of prey place and they have volunteers so now it is genuinely on his radar that he could volunteer there, he loves birds of prey.

So is there anything similar your DH might enjoy? You could go for a day out and let him reach the conclusion on his own 😉

PermanentTemporary · 15/01/2026 16:24

I’ve faced this problem. So much so that when I met dp, early in our relationship we were fixing a date and he said ‘I’ll just cancel my friends that evening’ and I let him know in no uncertain terms that he should NEVER cancel friends just to be with me.

Im afraid though dh’s death was of course awful and tragic, the ability to go out without feeling guilty or watching the clock was really amazing.

It’s difficult if he’s actually a sociable person but his friends made him feel alone. That’s shit. I think acknowledging that loss is important. I do also think you could drag him out to at least some of these events? Dh’s mental health was too bad for him to come out with me but at least show him you do value his company? Then the other times, go out without guilt.

helplessbanana · 15/01/2026 16:36

A friend of ours has a dc who was born with a life-limiting disability. He really struggles with it all, and I do sometimes wonder whether he blames himself for not being able to be a man, find the answer to the problem and 'fix' it, if you see what I mean. I think he feels emasculated by his dc's condition.

Mummykelly78 · 15/01/2026 21:42

Similar here , youngest is 13, we have 4 SEN kids, hubby works in at home. I’ve just signed up for a part time college course, and hubby attends Andy's man club; he gets loads out of it and gives us time away from stresses at home to !

WonderingWanda · 15/01/2026 22:04

There are a few things which stand out for me about your post. You mention your dh not wanting to hang out with other Dad's of disabled children but that he gets sad when other parents discuss their children's achievements. He also doesn't like being left alone and you also mention a bit controlling.

It sounds to me like he is a bit depressed or hasn't really come to terms with how his parenting experience is different from what he expected. Depressed people often avoid socialising because it throws a mirror on why they feel sad about their own life. Your new found social networks are also highlighting that to him but rather than acknowledge that or do something about it he is seeking to make it feel better by not wanting you to go out as well.

WiltedLettuce · 15/01/2026 22:18

I would level with him.

He has choices. He can put some effort into making more social connections and getting himself out and about, or he can stay home and please himself.

But he's not the boss of you and he doesn't get to control what you do. And you'll be making plans with other people as well as with him so either he accepts this or your relationship is likely to suffer.

MySweetGeorgina · 16/01/2026 07:48

It is quite tricky, my DH now works from
home and has a hobby twice a week but that is it

he almost never leaves the house, dies not go anywhere and does not meet anyone

he likes watching tv in the evening with me, which I like but maybe for an hour or so. So I often go out 7-9 to do my own thing (gym or class or friends) which makes him sad, but I find his life a bit sad tbh

we are only 50, his 90yr old dad has a more active social life than him 😬

Whataretalkingabout · 16/01/2026 08:45

Lots of great advice here, OP. The main thing to remember is this is his problem to solve not yours. Certainly do not feel guilty about going out and living and enjoying yourself.

He may need some mental health support to grieve the kind of children he doesn't have, better accept his life as it is now and appreciate all the good he does have. Isolating oneself could be a mask for depression.