Would I be crazy to contact my ex husband?

[Namechange5041]

Name changed for this, as the name suggests, and would be grateful for opinions.

I divorced my first husband after two years of marriage in my mid 20s on the grounds of his abusive behaviour. At the time, I experienced a lot of fear due to what I felt was gaslighting and his refusal to work on the marriage, and I felt very isolated and unhappy.

After quite a few years of therapy, and general growing up, I have realised that a lot of our issues were due to my poor communication and childhood events I hadn't come to terms with, and I really regret the pain I caused him. I have really struggled to forgive myself for breaking our marriage vows.

I am wondering if it's worth me reaching out to him to offer to meet up on neutral ground, with the hope of a more 'adult' and kinder good bye. Partially selfishly motivated as we had some happy times together and I feel so sad about the mess I made of it, but also because I wonder for him if it would be helpful to receive an apology for how I behaved during that time.

I am concerned though that this urge to contact him might just also be a way of me trying to come to terms with what feels like the loss and grief of what could have been had I been more able to communicate my needs while we were married.

He moved on very quickly and has children with a new partner, and I have been unable to be in a relationship since.

We live fairly near each other, and it's been 5 years now since the divorce.

Thank you in advance for any perspectives.

Nope, stay away.

If he was abusive stay away.
If by abusive you mean your own actions - even more stay away.

Thank you.

To clarify, I initiated the divorce because of his behaviour, but I recognise now that I would have hurt him by filing for divorce.

Move forward not backwards.

No. don't contact him. Start planning your happy and fulfilling future. Always look forwards and not back.

His abusive behaviour led to you filing for divorce, and your concern is that you doing that hurt his feelings?

Don’t really see what good could ever come of this to be honest. He’s now married with children, I don’t imagine his wife would be happy about you poking your nose in.

Time to move on, OP.

Thanks all.

I don't have any desire to reconnect with him as a partner, more as a 'clear the air'/ closure type thing, but I think you are all correct.

It's not a concern, just a recognition that things could have been different if I knew then what I know now.

But you'd still have divorced him for his abusive behaviour, presumably?

Or are you saying you now realise he wasn't abusive, and are consumed with guilt for 'breaking our marriage vows'?

No let him move on with his life.

Yes I think I did what I had to do at the time to survive.

I think what I'm saying is that I experienced his behaviour at the time as abusive, but now I think we were both trapped in a very unhealthy dynamic and I don't think he behaved with intentional malice (even if it felt that way at the time).

I don't know if that makes sense, I guess it's part of life and understanding things differently with the benefit of hindsight.

It sounds like you have your rose tinted glasses on. Do not contact him.

You would be contacting him for purely selfish reasons. Leave him alone

No absolutely not, the last time I saw him I had a panic attack.

I think part of this is me wanting to take ownership of the narrative and get some healing, which isn't going to happen with him.

Really appreciate everyone's replies.

So basically hes moved on has a new wife and kids and because your lonely and single you want to contact him? It sounds a bit like you were the one causing issues. Leave him alone.

Well done for working on yourself but I agree that you shouldn’t contact him. Are you looking for closure? That rarely happens in life.

Abusive people are unlikely to look at their behaviour, never mind change or admit their shortcomings to others.

The most likely outcome is that he is puzzled why you contacted him or thinks that you’re looking for a shag and becomes angry when you say no to that. Men contact exes to see if she’ll shag him and he’ll assume that you want that. He could very well turn the blame all to you and list 101 reasons why you split up and make you feel shit.

I would use your new found knowledge to continue improving you and surrounding yourself with people who Improve your life. Don’t look back.

Thank you, this is very good advice.

Why would he care?

He's happy with a new partner and kids!

Leave him alone and move on.

I had a short, mentally and physically abusive marriage in my early 20s. I left with nothing and immediately divorced him. A few years later he was selling the house and needed me to sign some documents. He phoned me and just went on and on about how sorry he was for treating me so appallingly, that he felt so guilty and also told me he'd remarried and had a young daughter and how wonderful his life was. I didn't tell him a thing about my life, he just assumed I was single and still the emotional wreck he'd turned me into, he didn't know I was stronger than ever and my new dh was stood next to me listening to all his apologies and that I was pregnant with our first child. He was my past and I wanted to forget him and that terrible time in my life. I know your situation is different but ask yourself why you are doing this? Why do you need to clear the air? If anyone, shouldn't it be him apologising to you? Are you hoping to start some kind of relationship with him?You need to move on with your life like he obviously has.

I understand how you feel this would help.

Why dont you write a letter to him, but not send. Unburden your feelings without contact with someone who was abusive.

I’d suggest writing it in a letter and then burning it afterwards as a way of getting it out and letting it go without causing yourself further emotional harm.

I hope you have peace and happiness in your future ❤️‍🩹

This was so helpful to read, thank you.

I was an absolute shell when I left him and I think part of me wanting to initiate contact is to prove something to him, which is obviously a zero sum game.

Thanks again.