Would I be crazy to contact my ex husband?

[Namechange5041]

Name changed for this, as the name suggests, and would be grateful for opinions.

I divorced my first husband after two years of marriage in my mid 20s on the grounds of his abusive behaviour. At the time, I experienced a lot of fear due to what I felt was gaslighting and his refusal to work on the marriage, and I felt very isolated and unhappy.

After quite a few years of therapy, and general growing up, I have realised that a lot of our issues were due to my poor communication and childhood events I hadn't come to terms with, and I really regret the pain I caused him. I have really struggled to forgive myself for breaking our marriage vows.

I am wondering if it's worth me reaching out to him to offer to meet up on neutral ground, with the hope of a more 'adult' and kinder good bye. Partially selfishly motivated as we had some happy times together and I feel so sad about the mess I made of it, but also because I wonder for him if it would be helpful to receive an apology for how I behaved during that time.

I am concerned though that this urge to contact him might just also be a way of me trying to come to terms with what feels like the loss and grief of what could have been had I been more able to communicate my needs while we were married.

He moved on very quickly and has children with a new partner, and I have been unable to be in a relationship since.

We live fairly near each other, and it's been 5 years now since the divorce.

Thank you in advance for any perspectives.

He won’t welcome hearing from you. You won’t get the response you’re after. Look forward.

I sympathise with you and do understand how you might feel. It must be so difficult if he lives nearby. Just concentrate on you and building the best, happiest life for yourself. You've nothing to prove to anyone.

No he has moved on and you should too . Could open up a can of worms

I’d leave this well alone and continue to focus on your own path forward. Contacting your ex might not give you the resolution you’re hoping for. The outcome could potentially leave you feeling worse.

He has obviously moved on and probably doesn’t want to revisit that time of his life. If it wasn’t pleasant for you, it won’t have been for him either.

I know my DP would hate to hear from his ex as there was a lot of misery there. It is what it is and can’t be changed now so best accepted and left alone.

Op is it possible that he was abusive and you didn't behave the best?

I was in a horrible toxic relationship before and it absolutely brought out the worst in me but it was abusive and my behaviour was a reaction to that. It sounds like you're holding yourself accountable for your reaction to his abuse. But really if you were experiencing abuse, then you didn't really have the option of being rational and fair and communicative because abusive partners don't want that, they won't let that happen so they can continue to undermine gaslight and manipulate.

How much training has your counsellor had in domestic abuse? Did you get support from womens aid?

It's one thing to recognise when your behaviour was unhealthy and aim to do better in future , but you don't need to apologise to the person who abused you and created the behaviour in the first place. If you torture a cat and it scratches you, would you expect the cat to apologise and feel guilty about hurting you years later?

No good would come of it.

Thank you so much for this.

Yes I had support from women's aid and a lot of help from excellent trauma-informed counsellors.

I think the question of responsibility is an interesting one, because the intellectual part of me knows that I am responsible for the scratching, and the self-preserving primitive part of me reacted to survive, if that makes sense.

Thanks again everyone. I think I've been having a particularly tough day and you've all really helped.

I left my ex wife because she was abusive.

She did apologise to me a few years after - probably because she was feeling low after her subsequent partner had left her with a baby after she attacked him in the street.

Needless to say she remained a very unpleasant person until our son was able to sort out his own contact.

Because of her behaviour and it has been suggested to me that she is and/or a Narcissist or Autistic my take is that there was no 'breaking the vows' as she was never capable of making them on the first place so I suggest that you view your ex that way

Im sure he has moved on op i doubt you even cross his mind very much now.

You need to let this go and get on with your life.
You can't change the past but you can move on.

So sorry you are having a tough day. If he's living locally your emotions are bound to be all over the place but contacting him to apologise or for closure etc could backfire terribly on you and leave you feeling even worse. He might be nasty to you or tell his new partner you want to get back with him etc which could open a whole new can of worms especially if you might bump into them locally. He doesn't seem to feel the need to get some closure with you does he? You've been really strong getting away from a terrible situation, don't undo your fantastic progress by putting yourself back in it. Wishing you a very happy future.

That's an interesting take, thank you for sharing

Do you feel the apology helped, or did you wish she hadn't bothered?

Thanks

Well what would have been nice would be if her apology was followed by some better behaviour towards me

It wasn't

I hear ya. The best apology is changed behaviour and all that

I hope you and your son have found a bit more peace now that she doesn't need to be in the picture