Can anyone offer any thoughts on my counselling

[Springstarling]

I've had lots of CBT in the past,that hasn't helped me ( diagnosed autistic)
Finally I am having counselling but it's causing me anxiety
To be fair everything does cause me anxiety at the moment
But generally what do people get out of counselling?
,we can't change the past
Whatever I tell the counsellor could be wrong

as two people often see situations differently,And i know for a fact my parents would of said they were good parents
.despite me being told numerous times things they did were abusive.
Last week I cancelled it and made an excuse,this week I'm wanting to do the same.
For anyone who had a difficult childhood,did counselling help you ?
Is it literally that the counsellor listens ?
Because she says nothing when I tell her awful things ,so it leaves me feeling uncomfortable
I thought counsellors would offer their thoughts, encourage me to come to terms with the situation and enable me to move on.
In all honesty I've found chat gtp more helpful,as it gives me suggestions and ways to move forward
I'm not sure if I'm being deliberately difficult,or the counsellor who is a trainee is not in her stride,or counselling literally is just listening.
But I'm getting very overwhelmed having to discuss my past ,I don't feel it's helping me ,I feel keep bring up abuse is keeping the situation alive in my head ,where forgetting it and not thinking about it is more likely to help me move on with my life

When I had my autism diagnosis they wrote on the paperwork I received and my doctor received,that I met the criteria for a diagnosis of ADHD .
But I had to go back through the NHS to receive diagnosis.
That's the waiting list .
My doctor already talks as if I have it .
Been on waiting list 3 years
Medication I have tried every single antidepressants my doctors have been able to prescribe over the last 30 years ..I have been unable to tolerate the side effects on any .so I'm not optimistic that I will be able to tolerate ADHD meds either .
I just seem to be extremely sensitive to meds

But also if I'm having counselling due to what was done to me ...how does medicating me ,help with that

I completely agree! Medication is not always the answer.

Fellow AuDHD person here. She's not the right one for you, and it's not uncommon to not gel with a therapist. You really do need someone with a specialism in neurodivergence, and potentially trauma. CBT isn't helpful for neurodivergent people, as it requires you to use a "toolbox" of coping mechanisms which can be almost impossible for us to maintain.

Medication wise, you could ask your GP if they'd consider prescribing beta blockers, as they deal with in the moment high anxiety. You take them as and when you need them, and they've been a lifesaver for me.

So you have been on medication
ok I was under the impression you’d never given it a chance

So with autism there's this thing called distinct anxiety and it's because a lot of the What If questions we ask ourselves are things that could genuinely happen, and aren't catastrophising.

For example, it could be what if I leave the house and I get really overstimulated by the noise and the lights or what if I talk to someone and they try and interpret what I'm saying as something else and it causes miscommunication. There's no mental refraining or cognitive behavioral therapy that can stop you from being autistic. It's persistent worries about our needs not being met and accommodated or constantly having to explain ourselves and gradually developing trauma because of this.

Being autistic and self aware also makes our emotions a lot harder to handle because we still lack the capacity to process what happens in real time due to delayed processing. There's an inner narrative of I know better so why can't I do better and it leads to shame and more trauma, because in the moment when we are trying to put the methods of CBT in place we can't because we aren't able to process in real time.

When you're in therapy and you're being vulnerable but you don't have the capacity to process what is happening in real time to prevent it happening again it's like having a flesh wound, knowing it needs tending to but not having the equipment and it leads to danger.

CBT isn't very trauma informed therapy, and that's what our brains need the most, but the trouble with therapy is expecting there to be a light at the end of the tunnel and that isn't possible when you live with a lifelong developmental disability that affects communication and how we perceive the world. If it wasn't a lifelong disability then it wouldn't be autism.

My own psychiatrist gave me a dual award of ASD and cPTSD and she said that not many autistic adults make it to adulthood with a late diagnosis without having significant signs of cPTSD too.

This is part of the reason why anxiety and depression are so prevalent in autistic people.

I personally feel like EMDR helped me come to terms with a lot of trauma and anxiety, and some specific therapy related to being more assertive and advocating for my own needs also helped. I didn't get this on the NHS though and my employer at the time footed the entire bill as a reasonable adjustment. If you can get your hands on some, I really recommend it.

Hi OP,.it sounds like it is through an organisation so could you contact them (by email if that's easier) and explain that online isn't working and you are not gelling with this therapist. That's ok, they will be fine with hearing that. I don't necessarily think you need someone who specialises in autism/ADHD but I would recommend that whoever you work with understands trauma and models of working with trauma. Please don't give up on counselling tho, it can be so painful to not hear verbal responses when we need them and a different counsellor could work with you potentially really differently.

I’ve had counselling for various things from four different people. Three of them were great. If I’d only had the one that wasn’t, I’d assume that therapy was useless.

My son has seen many therapists via CAMHS for ADHD. Most were ineffective, one was downright dangerous, one was incredible.

It sounds like this therapist isn’t working for you. Can you go back to whoever initially referred you and ask to be referred elsewhere?

I completely agree with you OP. My experience with counselling has been very similar. To be honest I think it’s massively overrated. People seem to see it as this golden ticket to happiness. That’s just not the case. I’ve had lots of different types of therapy over the last 15 years - CBT, humanistic (which is basically just listening), psychodynamic. I often got very frustrated with the silences and the fake sympathetic smile and head nod and felt like she was stealing from me when I handed over 50 quid to sit there and “listen” for 45 minutes! However I do think there are good therapists out there who manage to strike the right balance between listening, gently advising you, and helping to reach your own conclusions about your past. It takes a long time to find one you click with though so you may have to kiss a few frogs! It also takes a really long time to see any positive results. I had one humanistic therapist for about a year and it took about 6 months to see any positive results. The results are subtle too, for me it helped me understand why I behaved in certain ways, why felt how I felt about certain things, and that things I blamed myself for were not my fault. It definitely helped me feel more at peace with myself and a bit more stable. For me it wasn’t a cure for my depression through, it’s more an ongoing process, helping you get a bit more understanding about yourself. If you find a therapist you really click with I’d try and give it a year before deciding whether it’s working or not

Kind of ,but the longest I ever managed was 10 days .
So I don't know if that's classed as being on it or not

Yes I've had the same ,with ,this is my space to just be quiet if that is what I need ..
I just assumed I perhaps haven't understood the point of counselling

Not really ,swim paying for it ..so it's stick with this person or cancel.
I think I'm more questioning me ,rather than the counsellor
As in ,I'm not allowing it to work ,I don't want to do it ,I can't see what it will achieve
I don't think the counsellor is the problem,I think it's me being difficult

As I'm ....not swim

As mad as it sounds ..I've been finding chat gtp so much more what I need ,As in it guides me to ways to make a difference and help myself
Which is what I'm looking for
I want to make changes,I want suggestions to make my life better
And I don't need silence to think that I'm paying for

It doesn't sound mad, I appreciate that a computer programme is capable of reflecting back what you want to hear, but a part of counselling is being open to a different perspective and letting another human hear what has hurt you in the past and witness who you are right now. Chat gtp can never do that. I'm sorry that this relationship doesn't feel right for you right now, but that's totally ok and if the counsellor is any good they will be robust enough for you to take all that you have written here into the session with them. They are human and they won't always get everything right, please allow that too if you can.

Ok thank you
I will think how I can word this , without causing offence

Don't worry, offend away if you want to. This is just my perspective, we are all going to view this differently.

You seem to be blaming yourself a lot, whereas actually, you’re showing really good self-awareness.

I'm not allowing it to work,I don't want to do it ,I can't see what it will achieve
From what you’ve already said, it seems this is because you don’t fully trust in it, for reasons you’ve articulated well (online, unsure the counsellor understands you, can’t remember aims, etc)

I don't think the counsellor is the problem,I think it's me being difficult
No one has to be the problem. The counsellor might not be doing anything wrong. Recognising that she’s not working for you is not ‘being difficult’; it’s self awareness. Well done!

Do analogies work for you?
Imagine you’ve gone to to a cafe with a friend. You order toast. When it comes, it’s not really what you expected. It’s not ‘bad’, but it’s not ‘right’ either. Next time you go there, do you order the toast, or do you try a crumpet, or a tea cake instead?

Your current counsellor is toast. Try the tea cake or the crumpet.

It sounds like you and the therapist are just not a good fit. I’ve had therapy a number of times in the past and it’s never felt right or like it’s helping. I started again with a new therapist a couple of years ago and it’s been a totally different experience. Very very hard but it feels right and helpful and like something I need to do.
I did have to wait to get the conditions I wanted: male therapist, in person, a session in the morning but it was worth it.
It sounds trivial but therapy is like dating, you won’t click with every therapist.
There are therapists who specialise in working with people who are neurodivergent, my friend is one; she would never insist on ‘camera on’ for example.
Don’t be afraid to say that this particular therapist isn’t right for you and look around for something else.

Interesting indeed
Analogy wise ,the toast would put me of ordering again .
I would just stick to a drink .
I think I'm ready to make changes in my life and I came to the conclusion ( possibly wrongly I don't know ) that my childhood is effecting my current day to day living somehow .
So I'm wanting to make changes ,but struggling to make them ,and finding it horrible, overwhelming, stressful, tearful, discussing my childhood with a stranger .
So everything feels stuck
And I think I'm looking for permission/ excuses to cancel tomorrow's session
I'm not enjoying talking about my childhood,I'm having to force myself to do it .

Ok .
That's interesting
I am just assuming it's a me problem
I'm glad you found what works for you

Its not you thats the problem OP it is just not a good fit.
There is no '1 fits all' in therapy and sometimes you have to change therapists, this is quite normal.
Ask the provider if you can change and see how you feel.
When working with a ND client it is important to have the right understanding and experience, also really important for a therapist to pick up what is going on for the client and guide the session, it may be that the therapist is not qualified in the therapy that would help support you, and it may be that you need a more challenging therapist.
The key to therapy is that you build a trusting relationship that feels safe and you can be completely open, this leads your understanding and acceptance of self, it doesn't change the past.

Ok . thankyou
Plenty to think about x

You don’t have to talk about your childhood. Maybe you could tell the therapist you don’t want to. Work on processing what happened to you can be done without you telling the therapist anything that happened.
I would guess that this process has gone too quickly for you, and your feelings of not wanting to go are a reaction to that. To be able to process trauma, you need to feel safe, and it sounds as though you don’t. You could walk away and try someone else, or you could see what happens if you share what is happening for you in this process.
Good luck OP.