Just spent the last 9 hours cleaning my parents filthy hoarded house….

[HairyBananas]

And made so little progress that I could actually weep.

Quasi hoarding conditions combined with shopping addiction, chain smoking and an no cleaning done in the last 5 years. Thankfully no resistance to throwing things out 🙌 I was fully armed with cleaning stuff and large packing boxes for paperwork, which there is A LOT of.

I spent the first 4 hours tackling bedroom and small spare room, before moving on to the kitchen diner. Made so little progress there in 5 hours thanks to sorting paperwork and wires/other shite for packing. There’s very little maneouvre room which didn’t help when moving things about.

Need to get back there early tomorrow to make another stab at the remainder of the kitchen diner and the bathroom, which is totally vile.

Theres an adult social worker calling Monday and there’ll be trouble if it isn’t at least habitable by then.

I thought I had a good plan in chucking all the dirty clothes into bags and paper into boxes as these are the 2 biggest issues but it turns out that my mum has literally been repeatedly buying toiletries and other items as these ones she originally had became inaccessible due to the hoard.

I love my parents, they are good people so I don’t want to bash them, but I am just so sad at how they live.

Any advice is welcome for tomorrow!

Good luck, OP! There are clearance firms you can call who will clear only what you specify e.g. you can ask them to leave the contents of all cupboards alone, but remove rubbish from the garden, or remove bags of rubbish, paper, toiletries etc. I wish I'd found the firm I ended up using earlier. PM if you'd like the name of the company I used, they were really helpful, polite, and so quick I couldn't believe it.

Best would be your dad stays full 6 weeks in respite
Do not rush to get him back
Work with sw

Social worker and you have meetings with your dm and make it clear he only returns with house clear and twice weekly cleaner in place and whatever personal care he might need

House needs to be stripped to bare minimum since hoarding will recur and need to be managed on ongoing basis

Is it their own house OP or do they rent?

My friend does work for the council with hoarders. They are referred and she goes in to clear the house and make it habitable. She also has private clients. She is getting her PhD in psychology and hoarding is a specific interest so she is well aware you don’t just go in and chuck everything. She’s been spat at, sworn at and had things thrown at her. But she really tries to work with the client and respect their illness, while also making the house safe and sanitary.
So is it possible you can hire someone like her to work with you? There’s no judgment and having another pair of hands would help enormously. And also help put strategies in place so stuff doesn’t accumulate again. She is paid by the council - I don’t know how that side works exactly.

I did the same for an overwhelmed relative who went into a nursing home and it took a good couple of months of weekend work. I started by making the kitchen and ground floor bathroom hygienic and safe, and then worked through room by room (around his disabled wife) and created a downstairs bedroom for her to be safe and all on one level. I also got help with cleaning the main rooms, filled several skips and I got on first name terms with the guys at the local dump! If she'd have fallen in that hoard any paramedics would have struggled to get her out. It also made things so much easier for carers to come in and help her with showering/dressing etc.

Good luck, Op. I hope that you have found this thread useful.

Sometimes you just have to feel like you are doing something, even if it’s not going to be sustainable and isn’t tackling the actual problem 🤷‍♀️

what is it going to be like 6 months after your intervention?

Honestly I don't know if you are doing the right thing.

As others have said, it may be better for the social worker to see the real ongoing situation and make plans for their support based on that.

I can absolutely understand the urge to "make things better" in an immediate and practical way. It gives you a sense that things are more under control. But your parents need long-term sustainable help, and in the end it may be that all your hard work now is just delaying them getting that.

Good luck today OP. Don't be afraid to play on your mum's emotions. Ask her if she's more attached to her junk than her husband because that's what's at stake.

If you're aiming for maximum impact, don't sort paperwork today. It is time-consuming and stops you clearing the room. Stack it and if you have suitcases handy, you could put them in there for the next clear out in round 3.

Safety is so important especially with restricted mobility, obstructed access and chain smoking. Focus on removing any bulky items that are going, straight out to the skip. Then move on to smaller things and fill bin bags. When you have filled 5 take them to the skip and have a cup of tea before tackling the next 5.

You're doing well @HairyBananas so far. Small steps are needed. Just concentrate on getting the kitchen diner to some sort of livable semblance. I understand how stressful this is physically and mentally.

Is there anyway you can take the paperwork back with you? I would also be considering a POA. With hoarders, a softly-softly approach is needed. Best wishes to you x

Is there family or a friend that could help you?

I helped my BF to de clutter and clean her mum's house(she was a hoarder as well and the place hadn't been cleaned in years)so her mum could move into assisted living.

My best friend,her Auntie,her older sister and myself managed to do nearly all of it in one day and it was bad when we started and I dread to imagine how long it would've taken my BF on her own.

100% agree with this.

Thanks all, am making better progress so far this morning I think.

Just to reiterate, the social worker is aware of the ongoing situation and we’re not hiding/trying to hide anything from them.

I’m not sorting the paperwork per se, but am sorting it away from other stuff - rubbish, wires, random shit etc. When I say sort I just mean that things are getting stuffed into boxes like for like - papers, wires, etc

@HairyBananas its some progress though x

I think you need to get the full story off the sw and Be there tomorrow when they come

you say your mum is vague and sounds like she is hiding /not telling you the truth

you won’t be able to clean /declutter in a weekend - paperwork in one box. I would chuck wires in another or even throw away and buy new ones if something needs a plug

and rubbish /paper/broken stuff just chuck

For me it wasn’t a condition of hospital discharge but due to my DMs imminent discharge and SS involvement it needed doing.

Those saying leave it for the social worker to
see, it will make things easier, I ask in what way? The fact that the SS are involved means things have got to an escalated level already. And if OP doesn’t clean it or get cleaners in, who should clean it?

SS have seen this over and over, sadly many elderly are living like this. Which is understandable, they just can’t do the housework. But we should speak to our elders and see what they can afford towards having a cleaner come in. Isn’t it better that they spend £50 of their pension on this than being left to live in squalor and then poor OP has to take responsibility for it.

My DMs home wasn’t as bad as OPs but it did need a deep clean. I was going to do it myself but in the end I hired someone. Luckily I knew someone that has a small cleaning company and they were great full for the work. It took 1 person 8 hours and cost £260. I know not everyone can afford that, but it had to be done.

I sympathise OP, my mother wasn't a hoarder but you could tell the point at which she had stopped being able to manage everyday things: the multiple toiletries but away or left in little piles because she hadn't the energy or mobility to get them from where she'd left them. I hate throwing usable stuff away but honestly, we probably could have filled a skip. The local charity shops did well too.

On a tangent: there was a thread from someone who was gradually helping a hoarder friend clear their house, I've lost it but always wondered if she managed to complete it?

There's an expression which says 'How do you eat an elephant?' Answer: one bite at a time!
You have a huge job in front of you and it will not be remedied over a few days - let Social Services see how your parents live and let them provide the appropriate services to help them live at home. Be honest and say you didn't realise how bad the situation had got and you'd appreciate some help for them.
That doesn't mean you can't declutter a corner or wipe down the kitchen when you are there. Get a shredding machine and when you pick up odd envelopes or paperwork - read it, sort it into a file box or shred it. The trouble with decluttering is recognising that a lot of stuff has to literally go out of the door and not get sorted into alternative storage thereby creating more clutter.
The excess toiletries and stuff - sort that and make it accessible and start to use it - bottle by bottle. DH and I went for nearly a year not having to buy things simply by using up what was there.
Do what you can when you can and don't beat yourself up about it. It took years to get to this point and will take a while to reverse it - but it's doable! Good Luck OP.

Why are you doing this???

Social services are taking you for a fool. This is their job to sort out if your parents have care and support needs and need to be safeguarded.

LET the adult social worker call in and LET them sort the issue.

To add:

whilst what you’re doing is lovely, you are actually making a rod for your own back.

IF you manage to sort things down ASC no longer have concerns, what do you think will happen next?

Yup, that’s right - you’ll be doing it all over again in six months.

You are enabling and scaffolding here - both your parents and the social services.

You will end up finding yourself stuck in years of the same ebdisss cycle.

If you want any hope of them getting help and support and you not being burned to a frazzle neglecting your own life you need to drop the rope - now.

Best of luck to you - you do not deserve to go under rescuing adults and Servuces from themselves.

We went through this with my elderly dad but he was in council sheltered housing and it needed to be kept in a habitable state. Fortunately we had a supportive warden for the accomodation. My brother took dad to stay at mums for a bit and they gutted it they even had to have a new floor and wet room installed.

It did work he went back in and kept a few of the most important things to him such as photos and the like.

He had dementia and carers going in and he needed a zimmer frame with wheels to get around so the previous clutter wouldn't have worked with that.

He ended up in a care home. Anyway I think Google to see what help is against locally there are charities eg in Bristol I have seen which help with this sort of thing.

God bless you.

Hoarding tends to be a mental health issue. It can be related to traumatic event. You mentioned a shopping addiction - that is a behaviour that functions to serve a purpose. They need psychological help.

It is complex issue that can involve: medical, environmental health, housing issues. I hope you have a local service that can help as it is often a gap that is not addressed.

I wish you and your parents well. It is admirable you are stepping in.

If the adult social worker wants it sorted let her do it.

It’s not your problem and you shouldn’t be bullied into doing this almost impossible task.