Just spent the last 9 hours cleaning my parents filthy hoarded house….

[HairyBananas]

And made so little progress that I could actually weep.

Quasi hoarding conditions combined with shopping addiction, chain smoking and an no cleaning done in the last 5 years. Thankfully no resistance to throwing things out 🙌 I was fully armed with cleaning stuff and large packing boxes for paperwork, which there is A LOT of.

I spent the first 4 hours tackling bedroom and small spare room, before moving on to the kitchen diner. Made so little progress there in 5 hours thanks to sorting paperwork and wires/other shite for packing. There’s very little maneouvre room which didn’t help when moving things about.

Need to get back there early tomorrow to make another stab at the remainder of the kitchen diner and the bathroom, which is totally vile.

Theres an adult social worker calling Monday and there’ll be trouble if it isn’t at least habitable by then.

I thought I had a good plan in chucking all the dirty clothes into bags and paper into boxes as these are the 2 biggest issues but it turns out that my mum has literally been repeatedly buying toiletries and other items as these ones she originally had became inaccessible due to the hoard.

I love my parents, they are good people so I don’t want to bash them, but I am just so sad at how they live.

Any advice is welcome for tomorrow!

In such a case, after someone has died, I’d just remove anything valuable and then get a house clearance firm in - assuming there are the funds to do so.

Dh and I are certainly not hoarders, but I’ve still told dds that when the time comes, just get a house clearance firm in - after removing everything they might want/anything valuable - I have made a list of those.

Must remember to add that instruction to our wills! Clearing a house is exhausting (and emotionally stressful) even when there has been no hoarding. We have had to do it twice.

It's interesting you've said 'those of you who've asked why I haven't helped before' but literally no one has asked that. It is your misplaced guilt about it talking but everyone on this thread has experienced a hoarding parent and knows your regular help is neither practical nor a burden you can safely bear.

We had similar, but in our case mum had gone into care and then dad ended up in hospital, in the 6 months in between, my dad had allowed my sister to at least make a start, but there were still 3 bedrooms and a massive garage. It took us 8 weeks and 3 skips, being absolutely ruthless and only keeping items of personal significance. We gave a lot of things away by using the local 'freecycle'
Your difficulty will be how to get the house liveable as we were literally clearing to empty it out. I think you need to let the social worker see the reality, otherwise they will step away saying that your parents have you to do it.

@Poppingby seime did ask that further up the thread.

An awful lot more people have asked why the OP is attempting to prevent the social worker seeing the reality of their lives, and this is what I wonder too.

Did you get a skip? I’d stand in each room throwing things out the window to clean space to menouver. Paper work, wires etc… I’d leave to the end! Get rid of the big stuff first and rubbish first.

Those of you who have asked about the social worker, they are aware of the issue so I’m not misleading anyone. The problem is, my dad’s health has been declining in recent months and he is now unable to walk or move very well and is struggling to get around the house. He fell several times recently and on one occasion an ambulance had to be called and I think it is them that made the social referral (my mum has been quite vague on this so I’m not 100% sure). My dad now has a walking frame but that’s made it even more difficult to get around the house.

The social worker referred him for 2 weeks of respite after Xmas so he has been away for the last few weeks but (from what I can gather, again mum has been vague), the SW has now said that he can’t come home until improvements are made.

I’m sure the SW has offered some helps/supports but my mum has likely turned them down out of embarrassment.

It’s difficult because I know I’m not getting the full story. I live quite far from my parents so I’m not always there or available and there’s nobody else in the family who can help unfortunately.

Some of you have said that it’s not my responsibility and I know that, but at the same time I want my parents to be a bit more comfortable, and I’m not complaining about that, I just want to get as much done as possible.

It’s such a complex mental health issue isn’t it!

Good luck OP. My friend's mum is very similar and she had a SW coming for hoarding as the neighbours had complained about the amount of vermin the hoarding attracted. This was another case of my friend didn't know how bad it was because her mum used to visit her and her brothers and her nan. She lived in a mid terrace that went straight out into the road so there wasn't anything out the front.

My friend spent the best part of a week trying to clear it and felt she barely got anywhere. The social worker said as long as there was "progress" ie some cleaning or clearing going on then she would monitor. My friend also found as soon as she had cleared one room, things would fill it the next day, so she would clear the bathroom and leave 1 of everything out but the next day there would be 3 large packs of toilet rolls, 6 shower gels, 6 shampoos ect all back in the bathroom.

In the end my friend ended up paying a clearance and cleaning company to come and sort it. They cleared the entryway first to get things in and out and then did 1 room at a time. They basically boxed all paperwork and would either sort themselves and shred or hand over to friend to sort. There was a team of 6 of them and my friend said things disappeared so quickly that her mum didn't have time to argue to keep things which sped up the process.

Try and see if anyone else can help. My friend certainly found speed was helpful and her mum could only badger one person at a time about keeping things.

@HairyBananas I'm glad the social worker is not sending your dad home. It sounds like a nightmare. Maybe your mum is embarrassed by the mess?? Could you contact the social worker directly? Sending hugs its difficult x

If you can afford to throw a bit of money at it then stop at a B&Q before going to the house today and pick up a hippo bag, it’s like a skip they come in various sizes and you just set them up yourself on the driveway, then fill it and arrange for hippo to come and pick it up. They’re more expensive than a normal skip but you can get one now without having to wait and just take it to the house yourself.

Yes I agree. Let them face some pressure and consequences. What exactly is the trouble they will get into?. Is it a council house?

There is a skip, which is great. Have filled almost 2/3s yesterday, but I think I got the most bulky things out.

I've just arrived for round 2 now, wish me luck!!

Ah I understand now. I think you're going to need to ring the social worker to understand exactly what's happening. If dad is currently on respite after a hospital admission, the social worker has up to 6 weeks where the respite space is 'free' then decisions have to start being made about permanency of the placement etc. The social worker will be able to update you as to what the situation is. They likely want to at least try to avoid a readmission, which if he's already falling would be the likely outcome. What's your mum like health and cognitive abilities wise? It's a daunting task for 1 person, you literally need to box up paperwork and look through it separately. You also need to consider whether returning home is in your dads best interests, though you haven't said if he has any cognitive issues or if it's purely physical. Obstinate parents are a nightmare as you can clearly see what needs doing and they block you at every turn! I'd really advise asking if there is a cleaning/clearance company who can assist, particularly if you're on a limited timeline.

I can see you're coming at this with all the best intentions and I'm sure I'd do the same as you, but I don't think it's the right thing to do. For one thing, if your parents stay in their home it'll go back to how it was in no time and you'll feel incredibly resentful. It's not just that, though. The SWs need to have a full idea of how they normally live and you're preventing that. I'm really sorry - it's a terrible situation for you to be in.

I think you may need to get a company in to finish off the job of clearing it, then either commit to going round on a weekly basis to clean/clear or hire a cleaner (but you will still need to go round to have regular clear outs as the cleaner can't chuck stuff)

We just bought one and it's taken a month and we are not there yet. Be realistic it's not gonna be done by tomorrow. You need an army of cleaners and a few weeks.

I think this is a great idea, your mental health and physical health will suffer otherwise.

It's definitely something that will need to be kept on top of or it just ends up as bad again. My friend goes round monthly now and clears things. She also insisted her mum got a cleaner in. So every month she goes for a few hours and bags up all the magazines and newspapers, takes the excess packs of cleaning and bathing stuff and sorts through the cupboards and throws out expired stuff. She also throws out all the empty boxes/ jars that are all kept "just in case". She donates a lot of it as she says it's so wasteful - a couple of the local care homes take the magazines off her. She takes a couple of packs of the loo roll/ shower gels, bubble bath, toothpaste ect home to use and then donates the rest to the food bank.

Her mum has a thing about hoarding consumable, non perishables (cleaning stuff, washing powder, bathing and shower stuff, toilet rolls, tissues, newspapers and magazines) and long date perishables (rice, pasta, canned food). My friend said at the original clear out she could have not bought toilet roll, bathing stuff, washing powder for years to use it all up.

Your parents’ lives have become unmanageable. They are on the brink of ‘not coping’.

If you ‘make things nice’ for the SS visit on Monday you will enable them to keep doing what they are doing.

My advice to you would be to let SS come and see that they are struggling and let them suggest the way ahead.

Paperwork is the most time-consuming thing to sort, so as a pp says you don't have time for that, you can at most only box it up for the time being if you want to make the most impact on the space in a short amount of time.

Why are you living under threat of SS. What exactly will they do? It sounds as if SS intervention is needed.

I've found in my time that if you clean for someone else, they learn nothing and it's well on the way back to the way it was in a few weeks.

A tip for next time is to learn how to stack a skip (you may already know) but a builder showed me and I’ve saved so much money doing it. I watch a YouTube video before doing it each time to refresh. Good luck and consider wearing PPE as you may come across some unpleasant surprises.

Hire a clearance company it's too much for one weekend you'll throw your back out
Otherwise run some pics into AI and it'll help you with a plan of attack

If the spare room is clearish now then buy massive boxes and shove all paperwork in, without sorting or looking at and stack them all in there or the garage. If they're from pre 10 years ago you can look briefly and chuck, but I wouldn't faff about organising or sorting or dealing with wires etc, I'd probably just chuck everything

The psychological boost of clearing one walkway or surface is amazing lol, especially when it's a windowsill or something so you can finally open a window for air

It's so hard isn't it. I've done several of my families but usually with help. It's so sad they live like that

Why?
This is why I moved to another country. (Parents were emotionally abusive).
One left now, even if they were a horder I would not get involved. I have my own life.

I would start with the hall inside the front door, then work through making sure all halls/stairs are clear first so that travelling from room to room is safer, although that does depend on how bad it is.

It makes moving around easier and getting things in and out easier too.

Then I'd work on the bathroom, then the kitchen, then other rooms in order of how used they are from most to least.

Good luck.

Best of luck @HairyBananas