If you went to uni or your dc did, how was their relationship experiences ? Dd is sad today

[StarfromtheNorth]

She’s not been that lucky first boyfriend, cheated on her and got back with his ex

shes only in first year of uni
but started to date someone casually at first from home area

he’s also at uni too
different place

but I think perhaps feelings are starting to get involved now
she’s started it off as a casual thing
but it’s turning into feelings

problem is he seems ok
but he’s from a horrible family with a really horrible mum

also I think she’s far better looking than him
i think she’s gone for him as a safe bet

now they are both going off to there unis at the weekend
and she seems sad and confused

I fear she’s going to comprise her uni experience as she’s started to get feeling for him now
and I feel her precious relationship really harmed her self esteem

what you say in this situation

feels like she’s been unlucky in the past and it’s really effected her

Jesus, how old is she? 18 or 19? How can she have had time to be 'unlucky', she's barely an adult! It's all about learning at that stage of life, and yes that includes some 'heartbreak' and things not working out, but that's exactly how you learn. Are you hoping for her to have met 'the one' and engaged by her 3rd year or something?

I think it's more likely they'll both end up drifting apart and find new partners/friends at their respective unis.

You can't force her to stop seeing him. And slagging off his family could backfire. So just be supportive and encourage her to spread her wings and fully embrace uni life and new friends and social experiences.

My first year of uni had a string of bad boyfriends who, looking back, only wanted sex and ran when it started getting more serious. Summer between year 1 and 2 worked away in a third place and had what we thought was serious, but distance meant we couldn't see each other (this was pre facetime/whatsapp etc) so drifted apart. Following that I started dating a friend who I'd met at the start but hadn't previously seen that way, he's now my DH.

Yes there are ‘long distance’ parts of a uni relationship but the vast majority of it is carried out whilst you’re at uni and then it’s very easy to see a lot of each other.

DH and I met in first year of uni. When he started there he had a girlfriend back at home, they hadn’t been together for many months but it had finished by November. As did most of my friends’ relationships who had boyfriends or girlfriends from back home. The two that lasted had been going out for a couple of years before uni. Also a couple of girls quit uni in the first month because they couldn’t stand being apart from their boyfriends. Quite a few of the relationships that started at uni lasted the course. DH and I started going out 37 years ago this month! We saw a lot of each other at uni and visited each other’s homes/went on holiday/did stuff as part of a big group in the holidays. Not all the time but we did see a fair amount of each other even outside of term time. It’s a time of huge freedom to be enjoyed.

I would encourage your daughter to get stuck in at uni, enjoy her friends and have fun. If’s quite likely her relationship won’t last just because she’s still quite young and has a lot of life to live yet. TBH I would stay out of the details and just be there if she wants to talk and/or if it goes pear-shaped. Breaking up with someone is part of life and relationships, particularly at her age and there’s no point in trying to shield her from the heartache. Our DS met his now wife at uni but before that was in a uni relationship with someone else who broke up with him (no particular issue it had just run its course for her) and we got a phone call from him v early on a Saturday morning where he poured out his heart. A couple of hours later we got a message to say he was on the train home. He just needed a weekend of being looked after before he went back to uni to get on with it. That’s all you can do really, be there to pick up the pieces and offer some TLC but they have to go through it themselves.

I wouldn’t get involved with the ins and outs of who she’s dating as long as he’s not ill-treating her. He can’t help who his mother is and it makes not the slightest difference which one of them is the most attractive! You might think she’s ’settling’ but she might be over the moon with how kind and thoughtful he is. At the end of the day, whether she’s made a good choice or a bad one, it’s completely her decision to make and to learn from.

I would ask her to focus on her education and excel at developing her academic skills, because that's what she is at uni for. As she passes through the years, her course will get increasingly difficult, so her concentration has to be on it. She can make friends in her uni circle, through hobby groups, class etc. So much emotional turmoil and stress at a young age is totally unnecessary. If she likes the local guy, they can always meet up when they are back home. And if over the years they remain solid, then they can consider something serious.

Oh and just to add that my DSis had no discernment whatsoever regarding uni boyfriends and was often on the phone to me after a traumatic breakup. My mum was in despair with all the drama but just let her go through it in her own way. DSis is now very happily married to someone she met on the first day of uni but who was just a friend for about 8 years before they got together way after uni days. Everyone does it differently!

I just think being cheated on, can have an impact and affect self esteem

Sounds like she's quite keen on the person she's seeing and is a bit sad that they will spend a lot of time apart. It's absolutely fine to feel that way. But it's not forever.
The university years go by quickly and if they stay together, they can plan what to do afterwards- jobs in the same city perhaps?
Hopefully she will enjoy her time at uni, get a good degree and can spend time with the person she is seeing on weekends and during the holidays ( most courses get a lot of holiday time). I wouldnt encourage any over thinking at her age though, a just go with the flow approach is better,

Thanks that’s good advice
it’s what I’m saying really

sometimes I think she tells me too much !

Also she’s been extremely quiet and I like herself today so, I think she might be processing things

People experience university in many different ways. Just looking at the responses so far, there are lots of different experiences. I enjoyed the experience of close friends and being in a mixed sex group of pals. There were relationships, but none of my friends got together with anyone in a lasting way. But in some ways the friendships were probably a bit intense. Other people had home boyfriends they went to see, so had a very different experience. I’m don’t think one way is better than another but I do think it’s important to get things out the experience which you wouldn’t otherwise, especially when you’re paying a lot of money. That can be the learning, the experience of being away from home, the new friendships, new experiences

If this was my child I would advise them to focus on their studies and friends. Maybe on of those friendships could organically turn into something more but shouldn’t be a priority at university.

Hope she feels better.

I think you sound pretty judgemental, people shouldn't be judged on looks or who their families are. It's also not really your business, your dd is now an adult and needs to make her own path. The only thing you can do is listen when she wants to talk and be there to support her or offer guidance if she asks for it which it doesn't sound like she actually has.

The fact that she is off to Uni isn't at all relevant. Your concern is she's feeling sad and had her heart broken, this is all pretty standard for first relationships. Very few people have their first relationship with their forever partner.

Your DD needs to focus on her work and her non-romantic friends at university, so does her BF. They are still young, they shouldn't be tying themselves down to one partner at this stage in their lives.

Relationships in my uni days and through most of my 20s were an absolute shambles of complete knobheads and me putting up with them.

At that age, our brains still aren’t fully developed and everything is really overwhelming and dramatic. You just have to live through it and feel the feelings. It won’t always be like that, but no one could have told me that at the time.

Just be a soft place to land and encourage her to stay focused on her goals, friends, travelling, work, fun. I met Dh at 28 and everything fell into place and was no longer an utter disaster. I’m glad I had a lot of fun in those years though.

You just have to let her find her own way. I had a bf and we went to different unis but never really thought or talked deeply about it to my parents.

Parents can overthink for their (even adult) DC but we're not them. Part of developing is to experience normal life situations.