If you went to uni or your dc did, how was their relationship experiences ? Dd is sad today

[StarfromtheNorth]

She’s not been that lucky first boyfriend, cheated on her and got back with his ex

shes only in first year of uni
but started to date someone casually at first from home area

he’s also at uni too
different place

but I think perhaps feelings are starting to get involved now
she’s started it off as a casual thing
but it’s turning into feelings

problem is he seems ok
but he’s from a horrible family with a really horrible mum

also I think she’s far better looking than him
i think she’s gone for him as a safe bet

now they are both going off to there unis at the weekend
and she seems sad and confused

I fear she’s going to comprise her uni experience as she’s started to get feeling for him now
and I feel her precious relationship really harmed her self esteem

what you say in this situation

Why’s that ?

Im just a mum concerned about her dd

Perhaps you could point out what you mean ?

The amount of people i knew who dropped out of uni in their first year because they missed the boyfriend they had back home was embarrassing.

Maybe her boyfriend’s mum thinks you’re a really horrible mum, he’s the better looking one and is concerned about her son?

Honestly…. Tell her to pull herself together, work hard, have a lot of fun with friends and crack on.

Young heartbreak is normal, she needs to not get herself into a rut and overthink this.

Yes we do have a friend that’s had to drop out of the first year due to basically taking a break up really hard and then being unable to settle
at uni

so he’s going to start up at a different uni in Sept for a fresh start

Maybe I should just let her feel her feelings
and if she wants to be sad today let her just go with it

feels like she’s been unlucky in the past and it’s really effected her

I'm thinking perhaps as she’s only in the first year
its still such early days
she’s only just started to get into it
I suppose

Suppose I just don’t get they point of getting into something casual
with someone your not that keen on to start with…..then if feeling develop

your developing feelings for someone your not into

maybe I’m just so old fashioned

That's what a lot of my friends did, dropped out first year to come back to boyfriend. Started back up at uni near the boyfriend, ended up breaking up with the boyfriend.

The relationship i had ended about 6 months after we went off to separate unis, cannot describe how much happier the uni experience was once after that (met a lovely guy at uni in second year).

Most of my circle met our now spouses at university. Long-distance relationships rarely worked.

Really, she just needs to throw herself into her work and her friendships - they're what matters.

Means nothing that she’s better looking!! What if he’s highly intelligent, driven and kind?

Well, but you're not required to see the point, though.

What is is that you're actually worried about? That she is not going to be committed to her university life because of a 'home' boyfriend? That's she's settled for someone 'beneath' her? That you don't like his family?

Guess I’m worried she won’t make the most of her uni life, as she’s got someone from home, that’s she’s settling for ….

i worry that might hold her back from meeting someone that could be great for her

Agree with “Really, she just needs to throw herself into her work and her friendships - they're what matters.”

Think she thinks even if you get into a relationship at uni, as you are only really at uni for more than half the year , what is it ? Less than 40 weeks

even if you meet someone at uni, that’s still a long distance relationship once you get home for the holidays etc

Honestly, you’re interfering. She has to learn from her own experiences. Just be a soft place to land. Most young people go through upsets at that age. Encourage her to focus on herself and what she enjoys and not to pin her total happiness on relationships with boyfriends. Also try to be less judgmental. Unless she’s actually with someone abusive let her learn for herself.

I had my heart broken in the first year with an on/off boyfriend. In the second year I met my husband. I didn’t really like him to begin with. Then we talked and something clicked and we got on so well. I’ve never connected to anyone so easily and quickly, despite initially not liking each other. Fairly early we needed to decide if we were going to give it a proper go and if it could be something.

Your thinking is completely backwards. You can be casual with someone and then realise it goes deeper as you get to know them. You’re not falling for someone you’re not into. You’re falling for someone beyond the superficial.

It could also just be finding her way, maybe having a little rebellion because you think he’s not good enough. I know I definitely dated someone who I knew my parents would hate. Maybe she’s wanting to feel beautiful and loved after having her heart broken. Maybe it’s the real deal. I’d encourage her to keep at university and remind her that she can keep in contact with him very easy through phones and social media. It’s for them to realise that long distance rarely works, usually after they’ve tried it for a bit.

How am I interfering though ?
she’s asking me for advice and she seems sad

all I’ve said to her it’s upto her and it’s her life
ive not tried to sway her either way

what I’ve said on here about I feel this could hold her back from fully enjoying her uni explained I’ve not said that to her

and that’s basically all I’ve encouraged her to do
focus on her work and her friendships and enjoy it all

Aren’t all uni relationships long distance in some form tho ?

say you meet somewhere there, then you go home for longish holidays etc

also why did you “Fairly early we needed to decide if we were going to give it a proper go and if it could be something.” If you were only in second year

See your point on

“Your thinking is completely backwards. You can be casual with someone and then realise it goes deeper as you get to know them. You’re not falling for someone you’re not into. You’re falling for someone beyond the superficial.”

Yes they are. But you’re at uni for most of the year, so it’s only the holidays and in second/third year you might have accommodation that runs all year. Some people also get jobs in their uni city so it’s less long distance because you can stay there for most of the year. Even if you don’t have accommodation year round, a friend will so there’ll be an option to meet up. There is also a time when uni ends and most people go home, at least temporarily, and it might be long distance. It’s slightly different mindset of boyfriend at home and away at uni vs going home for shorter periods with a uni boyfriend.

We met towards the end of second year, so we faced the question of whether we were going to temporarily do a long distance relationship before going into our final year when we needed to focus on studying and applying for jobs. If it was casual, we wouldn’t had done long distance over the summer.

By falling for someone from back home, albeit at a different university, there’s a greater chance she’ll return home after uni. If she meets her future spouse at uni, there’s a greater chance she won’t return home, she might go to where they are from or follow them to where they get a job.

I think you have a couple things mixed up.
Uni is to hone your passion for better employment opportunities. It’s not a dating club.
As for BF, she’s at a stage where she needs to meet a lot of frogs before she meets her prince.
If she’s asking you I’d say dump as a BF, don’t complicate your schooling and remain friends.,